Dear Prudence: Whole Office Pushing Guy to Ask Me Out; I'm Not Interested

[cereta]

Q. Not my type: My older co-worker has a “puppy crush” on me. This is encouraged by our office matriarchs. The sexual desire on my part is nil. I don’t want to hurt him, but I spent most of high school and college dating one guy. I usually use the “I have a boyfriend” line to ward off unwanted advances, but we broke up over the pandemic. I don’t want to hurt my co-worker. He is generally a good guy, but the older ladies in the office are all invested in us like we’re in a Hallmark movie. It is creepy. I have turned him down twice, and they tell him “third time is the charm” and try to cheer him on and wear me down.

In an attempt to dampen this, I told one lady that he wasn’t my type. She then interrogated me. I admitted stupidly I didn’t find him attractive, and she called me “selfish and shallow.” Now they have all piled on me about how “looks aren’t everything.” He is 29 to my 21. I need this job. I have loans. I don’t know how to deal with this short of screaming in the middle of the office “I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM.” I know this is stupid, but I feel like I am being hunted. Can you help me not blow this up in my face? He is generally a good guy, but every time I let him down gently, these ladies take it like a challenge.
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A: Oh my God, this might be the most dysfunctional workplace I’ve come across yet—and that’s saying something for this column. I am so, so sorry you have been put in this absolutely untenable and horrifying position. Please don’t blame yourself for “stupidly” admitting you weren’t attracted to your co-worker, because you are being sexually harassed by every other member of your office. This older man who’s trying to force you to accept his advances by sending in female colleagues to wear you down is not a “good guy”; he is a creep of the first order and should be fired yesterday. This is shocking, horrifying, and likely actionable.

Please consult an employment lawyer before doing anything like going to HR or reporting this to management, because an office atmosphere this toxic—there, I said it! Finally an opportunity to call something toxic and really mean it, from the back of my teeth—won’t start and end with a few bad apples. This culture of harassment and violation may very well go all to the top. You will likely have to go to HR at some point, because the company will have to know about this issue in order to be legally responsible (which you really, really need the company to be!). Document everything to the best of your ability—the date, the approximate time, and what happened, like, “Thursday, Oct. 22, Camille told me I was selfish and shallow for refusing to sleep with Bruce, spent the rest of the afternoon trying to convince me to give into his sexual harassment”; this will be useful to bring to your lawyer as you figure out next steps. You are being harassed on a truly terrifying, monumental scale, and you deserve so much more than just “not blow[ing] this up.” In the meantime, tell all of your colleagues who are on the same reporting level as you to never mention this to you again, that the subject is closed, and you do not welcome any further comments or questions on that front.

Comments

[cereta]

I am not nearly as definite as Prudie on who the instigator is, here. The LW, at least, seems to believe that it's the women in the office who are pushing the dude to ask her out, and who are pushing her to accept for their own reasons. I'm not absolutely ruling out Prudie's interpretation, nor am I saying dude is a complete innocent being manipulated by the evil wimmin. At the very least, he's not taking no for an answer. It just seems like a rather large leap to go right to the idea that the dude is somehow the mastermind.

[cimorene]

I noticed that too. Certainly would be evil and Machiavellian of him! But that's not the impression I got from the letter.

[lethe1]

Me neither.

[melannen]

Honestly, based on my previous experience with dynamics like this (high school, and certain dysfunctional hobby groups) I think it's entirely possible that he *is* being just as harassed as she is - being told that if he doesn't manfully ask her out repeatedly he's *insert gendered insult here*. I mean, Prudie could be right, but it's entirely possible they're both being bullied about this.

[topaz_eyes]

I definitely agree with seeing an employment lawyer first, because HR may be more willing to stop it if they realize the legal threat is real. The "office matriarchs" are absolutely sexually harassing LW and that needs to be stopped.

I would go further than taking notes though; if LW is lucky enough to live in a one-party consent state, I'd be recording everything they say. These "office matriarchs" don't think they're sexually harassing LW at all, but having their own words on record might convince a few that they're way out of line.

[full_metal_ox]

…the older ladies in the office are all invested in us like we’re in a Hallmark movie. It is creepy.

Demonstrating that they’re playing out their own assumed roles in their own little script for How Things Are Supposed To Go. We’ve all seen how fanatically entitled fictional character and celebrity shippers can get, right? Now translate that into meatspace.

[oursin]

At a former workplace of mine there were certain co-workers who really, really wanted people who were partnered but not married to tie the knot, and I don't think this was just about having the trad office jolly (this was in the days when we did have splendid dos for people's life events). And then go on to have babbiez....

But I don't recall them actually match-making among the single, at least not to this extent. Creeeeeepy.

[full_metal_ox]

If any of the offending female co-workers are single, divorced, or widowed, a possible retort might be: “If you think he’s such a catch, why don’t you ask him out?”

[magid]

Even if they're married, frankly. Because they seem a lot more interested in him than LW does.

[neotoma]

This is yet another letter where I wish the LW had written Ask A Manager instead of a regular advice columnist, because this is definitely a workplace issue.

That said, the advice isn't bad; the assigning the blame, though, isn't necessarily supported by the information we've been given. I think the male co-worker is gross for not taking a no-for an answer, but I'm not sure he's gotten to the level of 'creep'. The older female co-workers, though, are certainly over-involved and disturbingly so; LW and Male Co-Worker are not characters on a soap opera for their entertainment.

An employment attorney's advice before going to HR seems sensible, and I hope it helps LW shut this shit down, because this could certainly be sexual harassment by law, depending on how their state's legal code defines it. It's definitely out-of-bounds and detrimental to LW's mental health and continuing employment.