Dear Prudence: I'd Rather Have The Dog At My PArty

[minoanmiss]

What’s the etiquette for hosting when a guest doesn’t like dogs? I recently hosted a small party (15 people) with my boyfriend at my apartment. My boyfriend’s dog, whom I love, was also in attendance. The dog is a medium-sized dog, well-trained, and sweet. The majority of guests loved having the dog there, except my friend who hates dogs. She is not allergic and to my knowledge has no traumatizing experience with them. She just isn’t a dog person. I get it; I used to be the same way until I started dating my boyfriend.

Upon inviting her to the party, I mentioned the dog would be there and that we would not be putting the dog in another room or in a crate. The dog was well-behaved for the whole party, but my friend would freak out when his tail wag would hit her leg, got upset when the dog barked when the doorbell rang, and would call me over to do something about it (what is there to even do?). She even went as far at one point in the evening to appoint one of my other guests (whom she had never met) as being on dog duty so the dog would not come near her and would call him out when he wasn’t adhering to his duties.

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I was displeased with my friend’s behavior and was upset that she gave another guest a “job” at my party. Prior to my liking dogs, I would always just give the dog a small pet upon arrival and do my best to avoid him for the rest of the night. My gut says my friend’s behavior was wrong, but Prudence, I am wondering if my behavior was also wrong in not finding alternative arrangements for the dog. I thought giving my friend the heads up about the dog’s presence was fair enough, and it would be up to my friend to decide whether to attend or not. Now I am second guessing myself. I am having another party soon, and I am not sure what to do. In the past, there have been power struggles in this friendship of she being very demanding and I being a doormat. I am working on sticking up for myself, but maybe this was the wrong area to start with? Please help.

— Am I in the Doghouse?

Dear Doghouse,

You absolutely did nothing wrong. Normally I would say, invite her to the next party with another warning that the dog will be present. But you mentioned that there’s an ongoing power struggle in this relationship, so maybe this is an opportunity to stand up for yourself. “Hi friend, I’m having another party but the dog will be there again and I learned last time that it’s hard for me to host while responding to your anxiety about him—and it didn’t seem like you were able to relax and enjoy yourself. So I think it will be best if you don’t come, but can we get together in a pet-free place another time?”

Comments

[topaz_eyes]

I don't know if it's just me, but I'm sensing a little bit of unreliable narration here. Assuming the dog was as well-behaved as LW describes, the friend's reaction could certainly have been part of that power struggle LW says is happening between them. But I do wonder if LW's relationship with their boyfriend (and the dog) is subconsciously affecting their friendship with the friend, and they should discuss that.

(If I were the friend, I would have left the party, explaining that I thought I could handle the dog being present but I was wrong, that it was no one's fault, and that we'd catch up later.)

(That said, I don't like dogs very much. That's because I find, way more often than not, that the dog is nowhere near as well-behaved as the owner thinks. It's not the dog's fault it's not well-behaved, it's the owner's, but the result is still the same.)