Not enough romance, times two

[conuly]

1. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter just turned 22 and she has yet to have so much as a casual boyfriend. She and her single friends go out either in a big group, or they get together at one another’s homes.

By my daughter’s age I had already had a couple of serious boyfriends and had started dating my future husband. I worry that she is missing out on what I found was both a fun and educational part of life. Should I be worried? --- MOTHER OF A LATE BLOOMER

DEAR MOTHER OF A LATE BLOOMER: No, I don’t believe you need to be worried about your daughter’s not yet having been in a romantic relationship. She and her friends are choosing to make their own way, at their own pace.

Many young people these days are focusing on a variety of aspects of their lives rather than looking for love, and that’s okay. It can be a good thing, as a matter of fact, for people to have a better sense of themselves and where they want to go in life before they consider sharing that life with someone else.

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2. Dear Annie: After nine years of waiting for him to propose, I finally decided to take matters into my own hands and popped the question myself. His response? He said he'd need to "see what his finances look like" -- and then a week later, he broke up with me via text.

Looking back, it's painfully clear: If he doesn't ask, he doesn't want to. What are your thoughts on situations like this? Should women ever propose, or does this only set them up for heartbreak if the feelings aren't mutual? -- Women Proposing

Dear Proposing: First and foremost, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. Thank goodness he didn't say yes. With that being said, I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman proposing to a man. We are living in 2025.

It shouldn't matter who pops the question, as long as both people are ready and willing to commit. However, your experience highlights an important truth: If one partner isn't fully invested or ready, no proposal -- no matter who makes it -- can change that.

This situation taught you a valuable lesson, which is that actions speak louder than words. If someone isn't showing consistent effort or commitment, it's often a sign that they may not be ready for the relationship you deserve.

You deserve someone who's as excited about building a future with you as you are with them.

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Comments

[conuly]

1. LW, you and your daughter are different people, and that's okay! If you have trouble understanding this concept, consider getting some therapy, or perhaps a hobby. Maybe a few friends?

2. Look, I don't want to sound totally unsympathetic to LW2, but does she think that only men should get their hearts broken, or does she think that they have no hearts to break in the first place? And, more pertinently, would she really have preferred to stay indefinitely in a relationship with somebody who apparently was just marking time and didn't really want to commit to a relationship with her?

[pauraque]

I also had a hard time wrapping my mind around what LW2 is saying and what she's contrasting "women proposing" against. (Stay together forever without marrying and waste your time since marriage is what you want?) The only way it makes sense to me is if she means "If a relationship has gone on for a long time with no movement towards marriage, should I even bother bringing up marriage or should I just end it?" Her insistence on making it gendered just muddles the real issue, which is that it is helpful if people communicate about where they see a long-term relationship going, and if their eventual goal is marriage, to say that in words. Nine years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait around wishing the other person would say something, and nobody of any gender should ever do that.

(Another possible answer to LW2's question: Yes, women should propose, otherwise lesbians could never get married.)

[full_metal_ox]

I seem to recall a 6th-7th century merchant, Khadijah bint Khuwaylid, who rather famously (and successfully) proposed to a young man in her employ.

[feldman]

et voila/yallah!

[zana16]

I proposed to spouse nine years ago. He had told me he was planning to propose when I finished grad school, and I didn’t want to wait the extra year. The difference is that my partner wanted to get married and we talked about it, and LW 2’s partner did not want to get married and they didn’t talk about it. It has very little to do with gender.

[dissectionist]

LW1 is bigtime assuming that because her daughter hasn’t talked to her about it, that means her daughter hasn’t had romantic relationships. It’s quite possible that her daughter has been romantically involved and kept it quiet. That chance goes up significantly if the daughter is queer, considering it’s clear from LW’s letter that she’s expecting “boyfriends” to be the romantic option.

[minoanmiss]

Word.

[neotoma]

It's also possible that her daughter is ace and/or aro, and doesn't want to talk about it with LW, because of the expectations that LW clearly has.

[dissectionist]

Yep. There’s some real “if you’re not desiring and being desired by a man, there’s something wrong with you” vibes from LW1.

[full_metal_ox]

Life Begins At Man.

[melannen]

There's also the fact that if daughter is currently twenty-two, she spent her last few teen years in lockdown and was probably not out at the club.

(But I vote that she's aro.)