Dear Abby: Serial father keeps chummy relationships with his exes

[minoanmiss]

http://www.sfgate.com/entertainment/article/Dear-Abby-Serial-father-keeps-chummy-11237805.php

Dear Abby: I recently met a 28-year-old father of three I~Rm interested in. He seems wonderful. He's a hard worker, takes care of his responsibilities and is an amazing father to his children. They~Rre all still very little, but they're great kids. The only thing that~Rs been on my mind lately is he has a lot of baggage. Those kids are from three different women. He gets along with all of them very well, to the point that they sometimes do stuff together with the children. They go out to places, or sometimes he invites them over to his place to swim in the pool. I understand that he has to maintain a healthy relationship with his exes for the sake of the children, but I never thought it would be this 'healthy.' I have never experienced something like this. I appreciate him being up front about everything, but I can't stop thinking about it. Am I overreacting?
Three's Company

Dear Three's Company: I don't think so. While I admire the man's devotion to his children -- not to mention his skilled diplomatic ability -- it does appear that he has a problem making a lasting commitment to a woman. Unless you would seriously consider joining this 'harem,' I urge you to religiously practice contraception. If you would like children in the future, it would be better to approach it with someone who isn't as marriage-phobic as this young man appears to be.

Comments

[xenacryst]

Yeah, this. With the added caveat of the "undiagnosed" possibility above - if he's poly, he kinda oughta say so up front, if he knows. If he doesn't know, then that's a stumbling block, not so much in the whoa red flag sense, but in the umm you have an issue you should figure out sense. If he knows and isn't saying, that's a bit of an honesty and openness problem.

'Course, it could be not-poly at all - he could just be really friendly and easygoing and ... not so good at making long term commitments. Which is not a bad thing, but if LW is looking for a life partner, then it's not compatible.

[rosefox]

It sounds to me like he's actually pretty good at long-term commitments, so much so that when his relationships evolve in non-romantic directions he sticks with them and takes them as they are rather than breaking them off. Given the amount of societal pressure in the direction of breaking up and never speaking to people again, he'd have to be very committed to his exes to keep them in his life the way he has.

I don't know that he'd necessarily call himself polyamorous. I just think it would be useful for the LW to learn about different ways people put families together, as a stepping stone to seeing "my kids' other parents hang out with me and swim in my pool" as a perfectly useful way to do that as long as everyone involved is cool with it.

[xenacryst]

Yeah, I should have clarified that - he's great at long term relationships that aren't monogamous marriage. If what she wants is a long term monogamous marriage, then she should keep looking. If it's just that this is all new to her and she's willing to explore, then have at it.