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agonyaunt2024-11-18 10:04 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-11-18 10:04 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: Trumpista Friends
content advisory: virulent transphobia.
Next year is my 50th birthday and to celebrate it, we are planning a big friends’ trip to go wine tasting in France. However, one of the couples involved are avid Trumpers, while the rest of us are gay, liberal, and despise Trump to the core of our beings. We generally avoid politics around this couple, but the last time we saw them (following a few bottles of wine), one of them started going on about children identifying as cats and using litter boxes in schools and how trans people rape women in bathrooms, all unprompted. This turned into a very heated moment where I argued back pretty aggressively (one of our good friends is trans). We eventually declared a truce, but it was very tense and I was very unsettled by how otherwise smart people can believe right-wing conspiracy nonsense.
Now that we are planning this trip, several others have voiced maybe uninviting them. With the result of the election, there’s no way the country won’t be in full-tilt crazy. I’m afraid they’ll bring it up after a few glasses and that the rest of us will have to self-censor to avoid an argument that would spoil the duration of the trip. Additionally, one of the other people joining us is our trans friend’s partner, which makes me even more on edge that one of them will say something hateful or crazy. So my question is 1) Is it a bad move to uninvite them? Should we just try to avoid politics for a week and a half? And 2) If we do uninvite them, what to say?
—Traveling with Trumpers
Dear Traveling,
It’s not unreasonable at all to uninvite jerks from your birthday trip. It sounds like the stuff they will say after a couple glasses of wine goes beyond politics or even conspiracy theories, and is outright hateful to trans people. Add to that the fact that you have your trans friend’s partner joining you, and that several others have voiced concerns about inviting them on the trip—this is not the dynamic you want for you or your friends in general, and especially not on your birthday trip. The best case scenario if they come is that everyone else spends the trip bracing themselves for a fight whenever the alcohol starts flowing.
As for what to say, I’d keep it short, and honest. Try: “I’m so sorry, but I’m going to take you off the guest list for France. The conversation we had when we were all drunk last April has stuck with me—I found some of the views you expressed quite hateful. I don’t want that kind thing happening on my trip.” End of discussion. Don’t respond to them arguing about it. If they do end up being gracious, thoughtful, and apologetic, maybe that’s evidence that there’s room for you to connect in the future (perhaps a birthday night out separate from the trip). If they don’t—well, that’s useful information for you, too.
Next year is my 50th birthday and to celebrate it, we are planning a big friends’ trip to go wine tasting in France. However, one of the couples involved are avid Trumpers, while the rest of us are gay, liberal, and despise Trump to the core of our beings. We generally avoid politics around this couple, but the last time we saw them (following a few bottles of wine), one of them started going on about children identifying as cats and using litter boxes in schools and how trans people rape women in bathrooms, all unprompted. This turned into a very heated moment where I argued back pretty aggressively (one of our good friends is trans). We eventually declared a truce, but it was very tense and I was very unsettled by how otherwise smart people can believe right-wing conspiracy nonsense.
Now that we are planning this trip, several others have voiced maybe uninviting them. With the result of the election, there’s no way the country won’t be in full-tilt crazy. I’m afraid they’ll bring it up after a few glasses and that the rest of us will have to self-censor to avoid an argument that would spoil the duration of the trip. Additionally, one of the other people joining us is our trans friend’s partner, which makes me even more on edge that one of them will say something hateful or crazy. So my question is 1) Is it a bad move to uninvite them? Should we just try to avoid politics for a week and a half? And 2) If we do uninvite them, what to say?
—Traveling with Trumpers
Dear Traveling,
It’s not unreasonable at all to uninvite jerks from your birthday trip. It sounds like the stuff they will say after a couple glasses of wine goes beyond politics or even conspiracy theories, and is outright hateful to trans people. Add to that the fact that you have your trans friend’s partner joining you, and that several others have voiced concerns about inviting them on the trip—this is not the dynamic you want for you or your friends in general, and especially not on your birthday trip. The best case scenario if they come is that everyone else spends the trip bracing themselves for a fight whenever the alcohol starts flowing.
As for what to say, I’d keep it short, and honest. Try: “I’m so sorry, but I’m going to take you off the guest list for France. The conversation we had when we were all drunk last April has stuck with me—I found some of the views you expressed quite hateful. I don’t want that kind thing happening on my trip.” End of discussion. Don’t respond to them arguing about it. If they do end up being gracious, thoughtful, and apologetic, maybe that’s evidence that there’s room for you to connect in the future (perhaps a birthday night out separate from the trip). If they don’t—well, that’s useful information for you, too.
no subject
There's a huge difference imo between someone having different politics, and someone being downright hateful and/or phobic - whether that is against trans, gay, race, women, CATS or any one else.