How To Do It: Is This What Men Are Like Now?

[minoanmiss]

I, a 29-year-old woman, recently dated a nice guy my age for about two months before sleeping with him—or trying to. He engaged in exactly zero foreplay and my vagina rejected him as a result. He seemed confused by me asking for foreplay to prepare for penetration! The complete lack of consideration (or maybe knowledge?) turned me off so I left, and texted him the next day to let him know this wasn’t going to work. This encounter, however, leaves me with a couple of dilemmas.

I’m someone who’s not comfortable sleeping with someone I don’t know well for multiple reasons but I also don’t want to waste two months on someone before finding out they don’t know what a clitoris is or what to do with one. For context, I was in a long-term relationship for basically the entirety of my 20s and this was my first sexual encounter outside of that. Is this what I should expect? Is this normal? Are my expectations too high? Do I just need to get comfortable enough to bang on the first date? Do I have to teach men how vaginas work?

—Left High and Dry

Dear Left High and Dry,

You had one particularly awful experience. It is unlikely, though of course possible, that the next person you date will be that utterly inept.

Given that you were in a long relationship for most of the past decade, you probably worked out how to communicate with that exact partner but didn’t learn how to easily communicate with people you don’t know well. That’s something that you learn over time with practice. But you can set yourself up for success by thinking back on what you enjoy, considering how you might be comfortable phrasing that information, and practicing saying it out loud in the mirror at home.

You also might, during those several weeks of getting to know a person, broach a discussion or two about sex. Ask what they enjoy. Ask what sex looks like to them. Ask about the importance of foreplay. What they have to say can tell you a lot. But no, your standards are not too high and you do not need to get comfortable with having sex on the first date.