agonyaunt | Care & Feeding: "I'll have a baby for that famous person but not you"

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a middle-aged divorced mother of elementary school kids. I’m an engineer, and I’m good with systems, but I’m naive when it comes to people—I didn’t realize how bad my marriage was until my couples counselor pulled me aside to talk about how I could safely leave it.

I’ve been dating a long-time friend for a year or two now. I feel like he gets all of me. I keep him away from my kids—they’ve been through enough with the divorce—but lately, he’s occasionally brought up the prospect of us having a baby together. I’ve been very clear: the answer is no. But we were having this extremely hypothetical conversation and I told him that if it were possible, I would have John von Neumann’s baby. He teased me about how I’d have von Neumann’s baby but not his. He also said they weren’t that different, and I said we’d have to agree to disagree about that. I thought that conversation was done, but he keeps teasing me, and I’m not able to tell if he’s actually upset.

I meant what I said, but this is sort of like saying you’d sleep with a celebrity—it’s unlikely to happen, and even more so in this case because he’s been dead for decades! Did I say the wrong thing here? I don’t mind the teasing if it’s in good fun, but I’ve never been great at figuring that kind of thing out.

—Algorithms Make Sense, People Don’t

Dear Algorithms Make Sense,

After googling John von Neumann, you might be alone on that one my dear. But in all seriousness, just ask your partner. Say, “Hey, you’ve joked a lot about this John von Neumann thing. Are you really offended?” See what he says. Maybe he’s mostly kidding but slightly hurt by the fact that any man could compel you to have a child when he can’t. As long as he’s not making a huge issue of it, it’s not a big deal. What’s more important than this joke is determining if children will be a deal breaker for you guys. You should talk about that, and determine if he’s willing to stay in the relationship without you changing your mind. Also, is he willing to forgo children forever, or is it something he’ll put up with until he feels things with you have run their course? Do a check-in about his long-term plans. Maybe you’re not super invested yourself and would be okay with parting ways, but I don’t want you to be surprised if he one day finds that his desire to have a child supersedes his desire to be with you. If he doesn’t already have children of his own—girl, have that talk ASAP.

—Jamilah

Care & Feeding: "I'll have a baby for that famous person but not you"

no subject