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Dear Prudence,
I’m a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally. My wife is younger and from a different country, so she’s never seen it. However, I told her before we got married that I strongly agreed with the central thesis of the movie that men and women cannot be platonic friends. And I’m not a hypocrite. I don’t have—or desire to have—any female friends.
My wife, on the other hand, does have male friends. This is a constant source of drama in our marriage. I don’t understand why she needs male friends. She has more in common with other women, and if she needs male companionship, she has me. It seems like I’m constantly on her case about this, and I don’t understand why this isn’t something she can sacrifice to keep the peace in our relationship. If it’s that important for her to have emotional bonds with other men, that is a huge red flag.
I know how this sounds—but I often let things go that bother me if I figure they aren’t a big deal. You simply can’t fight about every difference of opinion in marriage. I choose my battles. But this is a big deal to me—a dealbreaker—a battle I feel compelled to choose. It’s a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. Since this is more important to me than it is to her, shouldn’t she give in on this one?
—Harry Burns
Dear Harry,
It’s been 35 years since your compatriot Mr. Burns made his assertion that “sex always gets in the way” of friendships between men and women. But if we could hear from him today, I’d hope he’d have expanded his worldview a bit since 1989. It is totally possible for women and men to be friends without sharing a romantic interest in one another. Don’t get me wrong, Harry and Sally is a great movie, but it’s just that: a movie, with a particular point of view and its own biases. In life outside of Hollywood, men and women have deep and enduring friendships every day, all the time, and nobody steps out of line. (And that is just to comment on friendships between heterosexual men and women—what about all of the friendships that exist outside of that binary?) This is not a film set, and you are not Billy Crystal.
Yes, your wife has you, but no woman is an island. And neither is any man. We all need friendships beyond those we have with our spouses. It’s healthy, it’s good for you, and it builds trust. Your wife is her own person, and no matter how close you two are, her experience will always be separate from yours. So just because you don’t have platonic friendships with other women doesn’t mean she has to follow suit. Also, I assume your wife had male friends before you were married, so this can’t be new information to you, yet you call it a “dealbreaker.” That was your first mistake: You shouldn’t have gotten married expecting to change her.
You write that you don’t understand why she needs male friends. Well, have you tried asking her, without a rebuttal ready to launch? I have a feeling she probably has pretty good reasons for keeping them around. In this case, I believe you’re the one who needs to reflect and make a shift. You need to work on trusting your wife. It sounds like you’re a visual learner so might I suggest some studying material? Cancel your annual rewatch of When Harry Met Sally and turn on something else. Your wife and her friends might be more like Andy and Nigel from The Devil Wears Prada or Mabel, Oliver, and Charles-Haden from Only Murders in the Building. It’s just on you to see it from a different perspective.
Link
I’m a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally. My wife is younger and from a different country, so she’s never seen it. However, I told her before we got married that I strongly agreed with the central thesis of the movie that men and women cannot be platonic friends. And I’m not a hypocrite. I don’t have—or desire to have—any female friends.
My wife, on the other hand, does have male friends. This is a constant source of drama in our marriage. I don’t understand why she needs male friends. She has more in common with other women, and if she needs male companionship, she has me. It seems like I’m constantly on her case about this, and I don’t understand why this isn’t something she can sacrifice to keep the peace in our relationship. If it’s that important for her to have emotional bonds with other men, that is a huge red flag.
I know how this sounds—but I often let things go that bother me if I figure they aren’t a big deal. You simply can’t fight about every difference of opinion in marriage. I choose my battles. But this is a big deal to me—a dealbreaker—a battle I feel compelled to choose. It’s a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. Since this is more important to me than it is to her, shouldn’t she give in on this one?
—Harry Burns
Dear Harry,
It’s been 35 years since your compatriot Mr. Burns made his assertion that “sex always gets in the way” of friendships between men and women. But if we could hear from him today, I’d hope he’d have expanded his worldview a bit since 1989. It is totally possible for women and men to be friends without sharing a romantic interest in one another. Don’t get me wrong, Harry and Sally is a great movie, but it’s just that: a movie, with a particular point of view and its own biases. In life outside of Hollywood, men and women have deep and enduring friendships every day, all the time, and nobody steps out of line. (And that is just to comment on friendships between heterosexual men and women—what about all of the friendships that exist outside of that binary?) This is not a film set, and you are not Billy Crystal.
Yes, your wife has you, but no woman is an island. And neither is any man. We all need friendships beyond those we have with our spouses. It’s healthy, it’s good for you, and it builds trust. Your wife is her own person, and no matter how close you two are, her experience will always be separate from yours. So just because you don’t have platonic friendships with other women doesn’t mean she has to follow suit. Also, I assume your wife had male friends before you were married, so this can’t be new information to you, yet you call it a “dealbreaker.” That was your first mistake: You shouldn’t have gotten married expecting to change her.
You write that you don’t understand why she needs male friends. Well, have you tried asking her, without a rebuttal ready to launch? I have a feeling she probably has pretty good reasons for keeping them around. In this case, I believe you’re the one who needs to reflect and make a shift. You need to work on trusting your wife. It sounds like you’re a visual learner so might I suggest some studying material? Cancel your annual rewatch of When Harry Met Sally and turn on something else. Your wife and her friends might be more like Andy and Nigel from The Devil Wears Prada or Mabel, Oliver, and Charles-Haden from Only Murders in the Building. It’s just on you to see it from a different perspective.
Link
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She's panfriendual!
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"More important to me than it is to her" - like, this whole thing is ridiculous anyway but this part boggles my mind. What makes you think that's true, mate, since she's not given in? Why do you think she cares less about her actual friends that she has a bond with than you do about your stupid belief?
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I'm not sure he realizes he's married an actual person who has her own thoughts and feelings.
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"Why won't my wife give up some number (half? a quarter??) of her friends because I have a retrograde misogynist idea of heterosexual relationships and I think half of the population isn't worth getting to know unless I can fuck them?"
🚩🚩🚩
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Anybody think that Wife thinks this? anybody? [crickets]
Wife thinks that she has things in common with people. I wish she'd had a clearer view of whether she has this controlling and retrograde attitude toward friendship and gender in common with you before you got married, but here you both are.
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By LW's logic, bisexual people wouldn't be entitled to any friends at all :(
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Le Sigh.
Among other ughiness, he has a very odd idea of his own sex: 'if she needs male companionship, she has me.' Given that he seems to think male companionship of a person of opposite sex must involve bonking or at least the bat-squeak of possibility, I suppose that computes in his mind, but me, I have had many enjoyable evenings with male companionship geeking out about Other Matters of Mutual Interest. (Bonking only involved because in several cases, that is our historical field.)
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I'll put a nickel on each of you.
And a dime on the combo.
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My seminal -- heh. seminal. -- movie for realizing that's a toxic trope was Say Anything. It took me years, probably decades, to realize that one thing I loved about the movie was that Lloyd and Corey were (1) both utterly romantically uninterested in each other, (2) romantically active but only interested in opposite sex relationships, and (3) family, besties, sisters from other misters, the wind beneath each others' wings.
LW should watch it. It holds up, TBH.
(Also, if he's real, I want to send this letter and the phone number of a good lawyer to the wife. "If she needs male companionship, she has me" you stalker-assed creepshow that is some serial killer shit.
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