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Dear Prudence,
I’m a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally. My wife is younger and from a different country, so she’s never seen it. However, I told her before we got married that I strongly agreed with the central thesis of the movie that men and women cannot be platonic friends. And I’m not a hypocrite. I don’t have—or desire to have—any female friends.
My wife, on the other hand, does have male friends. This is a constant source of drama in our marriage. I don’t understand why she needs male friends. She has more in common with other women, and if she needs male companionship, she has me. It seems like I’m constantly on her case about this, and I don’t understand why this isn’t something she can sacrifice to keep the peace in our relationship. If it’s that important for her to have emotional bonds with other men, that is a huge red flag.
I know how this sounds—but I often let things go that bother me if I figure they aren’t a big deal. You simply can’t fight about every difference of opinion in marriage. I choose my battles. But this is a big deal to me—a dealbreaker—a battle I feel compelled to choose. It’s a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. Since this is more important to me than it is to her, shouldn’t she give in on this one?
—Harry Burns
Dear Harry,
It’s been 35 years since your compatriot Mr. Burns made his assertion that “sex always gets in the way” of friendships between men and women. But if we could hear from him today, I’d hope he’d have expanded his worldview a bit since 1989. It is totally possible for women and men to be friends without sharing a romantic interest in one another. Don’t get me wrong, Harry and Sally is a great movie, but it’s just that: a movie, with a particular point of view and its own biases. In life outside of Hollywood, men and women have deep and enduring friendships every day, all the time, and nobody steps out of line. (And that is just to comment on friendships between heterosexual men and women—what about all of the friendships that exist outside of that binary?) This is not a film set, and you are not Billy Crystal.
Yes, your wife has you, but no woman is an island. And neither is any man. We all need friendships beyond those we have with our spouses. It’s healthy, it’s good for you, and it builds trust. Your wife is her own person, and no matter how close you two are, her experience will always be separate from yours. So just because you don’t have platonic friendships with other women doesn’t mean she has to follow suit. Also, I assume your wife had male friends before you were married, so this can’t be new information to you, yet you call it a “dealbreaker.” That was your first mistake: You shouldn’t have gotten married expecting to change her.
You write that you don’t understand why she needs male friends. Well, have you tried asking her, without a rebuttal ready to launch? I have a feeling she probably has pretty good reasons for keeping them around. In this case, I believe you’re the one who needs to reflect and make a shift. You need to work on trusting your wife. It sounds like you’re a visual learner so might I suggest some studying material? Cancel your annual rewatch of When Harry Met Sally and turn on something else. Your wife and her friends might be more like Andy and Nigel from The Devil Wears Prada or Mabel, Oliver, and Charles-Haden from Only Murders in the Building. It’s just on you to see it from a different perspective.
Link
I’m a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally. My wife is younger and from a different country, so she’s never seen it. However, I told her before we got married that I strongly agreed with the central thesis of the movie that men and women cannot be platonic friends. And I’m not a hypocrite. I don’t have—or desire to have—any female friends.
My wife, on the other hand, does have male friends. This is a constant source of drama in our marriage. I don’t understand why she needs male friends. She has more in common with other women, and if she needs male companionship, she has me. It seems like I’m constantly on her case about this, and I don’t understand why this isn’t something she can sacrifice to keep the peace in our relationship. If it’s that important for her to have emotional bonds with other men, that is a huge red flag.
I know how this sounds—but I often let things go that bother me if I figure they aren’t a big deal. You simply can’t fight about every difference of opinion in marriage. I choose my battles. But this is a big deal to me—a dealbreaker—a battle I feel compelled to choose. It’s a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. Since this is more important to me than it is to her, shouldn’t she give in on this one?
—Harry Burns
Dear Harry,
It’s been 35 years since your compatriot Mr. Burns made his assertion that “sex always gets in the way” of friendships between men and women. But if we could hear from him today, I’d hope he’d have expanded his worldview a bit since 1989. It is totally possible for women and men to be friends without sharing a romantic interest in one another. Don’t get me wrong, Harry and Sally is a great movie, but it’s just that: a movie, with a particular point of view and its own biases. In life outside of Hollywood, men and women have deep and enduring friendships every day, all the time, and nobody steps out of line. (And that is just to comment on friendships between heterosexual men and women—what about all of the friendships that exist outside of that binary?) This is not a film set, and you are not Billy Crystal.
Yes, your wife has you, but no woman is an island. And neither is any man. We all need friendships beyond those we have with our spouses. It’s healthy, it’s good for you, and it builds trust. Your wife is her own person, and no matter how close you two are, her experience will always be separate from yours. So just because you don’t have platonic friendships with other women doesn’t mean she has to follow suit. Also, I assume your wife had male friends before you were married, so this can’t be new information to you, yet you call it a “dealbreaker.” That was your first mistake: You shouldn’t have gotten married expecting to change her.
You write that you don’t understand why she needs male friends. Well, have you tried asking her, without a rebuttal ready to launch? I have a feeling she probably has pretty good reasons for keeping them around. In this case, I believe you’re the one who needs to reflect and make a shift. You need to work on trusting your wife. It sounds like you’re a visual learner so might I suggest some studying material? Cancel your annual rewatch of When Harry Met Sally and turn on something else. Your wife and her friends might be more like Andy and Nigel from The Devil Wears Prada or Mabel, Oliver, and Charles-Haden from Only Murders in the Building. It’s just on you to see it from a different perspective.
Link
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