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agonyaunt2024-08-26 09:34 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-08-26 09:34 am
Help! My 4-Year-Old Niece Keeps Accusing Me of Abuse and Kidnapping in Public.
In We’re Prudence, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped.
Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Friend of the Devil, Marzipan Shepherdess, JHD, We’re Here, Nanana, Clergy Person, Becky, and Camel for their ideas!
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are gay. We live in a deeply red state and can’t afford to leave. I am the stay-at-home parent for our 6-month-old son. My sister-in-law is in the process of getting a divorce and had to start a new job after being a stay-at-home mom. She has a 4-year-old daughter, “Lia.” I started watching Lia, and shortly after, she started saying I would do awful things to her, like I pinched or hit her if I changed her clothes or stepped on her toes if I picked her up. She throws tantrums saying that I’m not her dad and am kidnapping her. This has happened in public more than once.
Every time it happens, I have an anxiety attack and worry that someone will take it too seriously or too far. This is a gun-friendly place. It has gotten to a point where I can’t run errands while watching Lia. I don’t want to be out in public with her. My sister-in-law refuses to take this seriously and my husband accused me of being paranoid because I wanted to put cameras in our house. Lia continues to do this no matter how much I correct her. I am this close to telling my sister-in-law to find other child care, but I think it might blow up my marriage. I feel trapped. Can you help?
—Panicking
Dear Panicking,
Poor Lia. Poor you. Poor Lia’s mom. This situation is really tough for everyone, despite the fact that nobody—except your husband, who has totally dismissed your legitimate concerns—has done anything wrong. We’ll put him and your marriage aside for a minute and start with the question of whether you can continue caring for this little girl.
One reader had some solid suggestions about where her behavior might be coming from and how you could respond to it:
Friend of the Devil: The child is frightened by the changes in their home life, and by their success in frightening you. Mostly they are grieving rejection/abandonment by their father, and they can express it with/to you in a way they cannot with the mother. Try to hear “You’re not my daddy!” less as a challenge to your authority and more as a lament: “I wish you were my daddy, because you’re here taking care of me, & my daddy is not, & I wish my daddy was here, & I don’t know how to cry about it with you.” The kid actually does need permission to cry to let their feelings out, but that might take time. You just need to start by letting the kid feel mad & sad and heard: “What I hear you saying is I am not your daddy. Is that right?” Then come back with confident and calm simple truth of the situation: “OK, well, you are right, I am not your daddy. I am your cousin’s [name] daddy. I know that your daddy is [name—and nothing more], and your mommy is [name]. You know that I am your uncle [name]. I am your uncle because I am married to your mommy’s brother, your other uncle [name]. Uncle [name] and Uncle [name] are the daddys of your cousin, [name]. Your mommy is our son’s aunt [name]. Let’s draw a picture together of our family tree.” Then draw a picture together of a little family tree (just whoever the kid wants to talk about). Rinse, repeat.
The kid is seeking reassurance that it is OK for them to bond with and depend on you—unlike daddy. Always address the matter in neutral language and tone of voice so the kid feels like you are not stressed by the situation. With the accusations that you hurt them: slow down, repeat what they said with evident care and concern—not defensiveness! “You stepped on me!” “Oh, no, hold on, where, can you show me? I did not feel my foot stepping on you. I certainly did not mean to step on you. I do not ever want you to feel hurt. Can you help me by showing me where you are hurt so I can be sure not to ever hurt you by accident? It is very important to me that you are not hurt. If I did hurt you by accident, I need your help to do better. Have you ever hurt somebody by accident? It feels bad, doesn’t it? My mission while you are with me is to be sure that you are safe and not hurt. I need your help to do my best.” Co-opt their anxiety, and distract. Praise them for all their bravery and helpfulness every time you pass them off to the mom, and thank them for doing a good job. If ever the kid starts to freak you out, just think: What would Fred Rogers do?
I think that’s all very smart and believe it might really be effective. And if we were talking about your own child or a child you’d recently adopted, or even a child you really really wanted to babysit, I’d encourage you to take the advice. But that’s not the situation we’re in. You’re not the only available caregiver for Lia. And I’m actually not sure how well you would be able to play Fred Rogers while being as worried, scared, and unsettled as you are about the harm that might come to you as a gay man being accused of kidnapping in a conservative area, some residents of which have probably bought into the right’s horrible “groomer” rhetoric.
I think that’s why the majority of readers who responded to your letter agreed that, regrettably, this arrangement needs to come to an end:
Marzipan Shepherdess: Stop babysitting Lia immediately! LW, I know that you want to help your family, but her accusations could put you at serious risk for arrest and could ruin your life. Listen to your own fears—they’re not paranoia and they’re not unfounded. Tell your sister that you can no longer babysit Lia and tell her why. Frankly, I wouldn’t recommend that ANYONE babysit Lia because anyone could be endangered by her “stories.” At her age, she might not be able to grasp the message of “The Boy Who Cried “Wolf!”, but as soon as she CAN understand it, she should be told it and should be told its message: When you lie routinely, then you won’t be believed even in an emergency when it’s crucial that people take you seriously. And yes, this is a real danger for Lia—if she goes on like this, then she won’t be believed if she ever IS abused or injured by an adult; they’ll assume that she’s lying once more and will dismiss whatever she says out of hand.
JHD: My heart goes out to Lia, who seems to be suffering a lot during this period of huge upheaval and stress without being taken seriously by her parents—but you can’t fix this, and it’s probably only going to get worse if it continues to be ignored. The politics of where you live are pretty irrelevant here; a 4-year-old who consistently yells about being kidnapped and makes false accusations of abuse, especially if repeated to a mandatory reporter like a pediatrician, WILL eventually cause you and your child and family serious issues no matter where you are. You’re going to have to tell your husband immediately that you are neither willing nor able to continue to be her primary caregiver.
We’re Here, We’re Queer, We’re Nervous: Maybe it’s not very helpful to be told “I don’t think you’re overreacting,” but writing from and to a part of the U.S. South where queerness is publicly, loudly, and repeatedly equated with pedophilia … I don’t think you’re overreacting. Put in the cameras. Show your SIL the relevant news articles. Neither you nor Lia is safe from how other adults may react if Lia continues to process the upheaval in her life by … whatever the hell this is.
You say in your letter that you’re thinking about telling your sister-in-law to find other childcare, and I don’t think you should do that. I definitely agree with people who urged you to have a talk with your husband instead. He should be the one to deliver the news. But before that, he has to understand where you’re coming from, or at least respect it. I really hope he can get there:
Nanana: You need to sit down and have a talk with your husband. You need to be a team in this. You are not safe watching this child and he needs to understand that. Whether he agrees or not, you need to stop watching this child. She is not your responsibility or your husband’s responsibility. It’s up to her parents to provide care for her. If your marriage won’t survive this, then it is not a good match.
Clergy Person: The first step is to talk to your husband about your concerns, at a moment when you’re both calm, sober, well-fed and not in a hurry to get somewhere. Keep at the conversation and don’t drop the issue until he understands that you’re not able to continue with the status quo. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re being paranoid; that’s not relevant. The real issue is that you’re not comfortable watching your SIL’s daughter because her form of acting out plays upon your concerns as a gay man in a not-so-gay-friendly place. He needs to talk to his sister and let her know that you can’t do this anymore. You have a right to not feel terrorized in your day to day interactions in public.
Becky: You’re in a bad spot. You are, understandably, trying to figure out how to get out of this situation while keeping everyone happy. As you are discovering, you aren’t going to be able to keep everyone happy. Lia’s problems no doubt stem from the same attitude you’re seeing from her mom now. The answer there is clear: Stop watching Lia, now. You are risking legal and physical harm. The part with your husband is trickier. Why isn’t he taking you seriously? Does he have a history of blowing off your concerns and expecting you to plow through bad situations? Does he generally side with his family of origin over you, his life partner? You don’t have any *fun* choices, but you do have choices. If your options are 1) risk physical/legal danger or 2) risk “blowing up” your marriage to a shockingly dismissive and unsupportive partner, I think you have to risk number two.
I hope it doesn’t reach “blowing up your marriage” levels. But you really should pay close attention to whether he’s able to see this situation from your perspective or show any concern for your feelings about your own well-being.
One thing that might help this feel less dramatic would be to create a gradual transition away from providing childcare for Lia, rather than stopping abruptly. For example, you could agree to keep the current arrangement going for another month, but refuse to take Lia in public, like this reader suggested:
Camel: Your need for personal safety outweighs your sister-in-law’s need for free child care. Do not take Lia out into public until she knocks it off, which probably means waiting for her to grow up more. If the need to run errands means you can’t take care of Lia, them’s the breaks. Or is there a woman or teenage girl near you who can watch Lia for an hour while you’re out and about? Unanswered questions: Does Lia treat your husband or other people the same way? Is she afraid of men in general? I assume your sister-in-law and her soon-to-be-ex know that her claims of abuse are baseless? And, most concerningly, where is a 4-year-old getting these ideas of physical assaults and kidnapping from?
Combining this approach with a camera installed in your home might help you to feel more secure, at least until your SIL can find a real daycare with an open spot. Ultimately, that will be better for you and for Lia, who would really benefit from being cared for by someone who has experience with kids with all kinds of issues and has studied child development—someone who has the tools to help her through this difficult time without being afraid for their own well-being. She deserves that, and you deserve some relief.
Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to Friend of the Devil, Marzipan Shepherdess, JHD, We’re Here, Nanana, Clergy Person, Becky, and Camel for their ideas!
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are gay. We live in a deeply red state and can’t afford to leave. I am the stay-at-home parent for our 6-month-old son. My sister-in-law is in the process of getting a divorce and had to start a new job after being a stay-at-home mom. She has a 4-year-old daughter, “Lia.” I started watching Lia, and shortly after, she started saying I would do awful things to her, like I pinched or hit her if I changed her clothes or stepped on her toes if I picked her up. She throws tantrums saying that I’m not her dad and am kidnapping her. This has happened in public more than once.
Every time it happens, I have an anxiety attack and worry that someone will take it too seriously or too far. This is a gun-friendly place. It has gotten to a point where I can’t run errands while watching Lia. I don’t want to be out in public with her. My sister-in-law refuses to take this seriously and my husband accused me of being paranoid because I wanted to put cameras in our house. Lia continues to do this no matter how much I correct her. I am this close to telling my sister-in-law to find other child care, but I think it might blow up my marriage. I feel trapped. Can you help?
—Panicking
Dear Panicking,
Poor Lia. Poor you. Poor Lia’s mom. This situation is really tough for everyone, despite the fact that nobody—except your husband, who has totally dismissed your legitimate concerns—has done anything wrong. We’ll put him and your marriage aside for a minute and start with the question of whether you can continue caring for this little girl.
One reader had some solid suggestions about where her behavior might be coming from and how you could respond to it:
Friend of the Devil: The child is frightened by the changes in their home life, and by their success in frightening you. Mostly they are grieving rejection/abandonment by their father, and they can express it with/to you in a way they cannot with the mother. Try to hear “You’re not my daddy!” less as a challenge to your authority and more as a lament: “I wish you were my daddy, because you’re here taking care of me, & my daddy is not, & I wish my daddy was here, & I don’t know how to cry about it with you.” The kid actually does need permission to cry to let their feelings out, but that might take time. You just need to start by letting the kid feel mad & sad and heard: “What I hear you saying is I am not your daddy. Is that right?” Then come back with confident and calm simple truth of the situation: “OK, well, you are right, I am not your daddy. I am your cousin’s [name] daddy. I know that your daddy is [name—and nothing more], and your mommy is [name]. You know that I am your uncle [name]. I am your uncle because I am married to your mommy’s brother, your other uncle [name]. Uncle [name] and Uncle [name] are the daddys of your cousin, [name]. Your mommy is our son’s aunt [name]. Let’s draw a picture together of our family tree.” Then draw a picture together of a little family tree (just whoever the kid wants to talk about). Rinse, repeat.
The kid is seeking reassurance that it is OK for them to bond with and depend on you—unlike daddy. Always address the matter in neutral language and tone of voice so the kid feels like you are not stressed by the situation. With the accusations that you hurt them: slow down, repeat what they said with evident care and concern—not defensiveness! “You stepped on me!” “Oh, no, hold on, where, can you show me? I did not feel my foot stepping on you. I certainly did not mean to step on you. I do not ever want you to feel hurt. Can you help me by showing me where you are hurt so I can be sure not to ever hurt you by accident? It is very important to me that you are not hurt. If I did hurt you by accident, I need your help to do better. Have you ever hurt somebody by accident? It feels bad, doesn’t it? My mission while you are with me is to be sure that you are safe and not hurt. I need your help to do my best.” Co-opt their anxiety, and distract. Praise them for all their bravery and helpfulness every time you pass them off to the mom, and thank them for doing a good job. If ever the kid starts to freak you out, just think: What would Fred Rogers do?
I think that’s all very smart and believe it might really be effective. And if we were talking about your own child or a child you’d recently adopted, or even a child you really really wanted to babysit, I’d encourage you to take the advice. But that’s not the situation we’re in. You’re not the only available caregiver for Lia. And I’m actually not sure how well you would be able to play Fred Rogers while being as worried, scared, and unsettled as you are about the harm that might come to you as a gay man being accused of kidnapping in a conservative area, some residents of which have probably bought into the right’s horrible “groomer” rhetoric.
I think that’s why the majority of readers who responded to your letter agreed that, regrettably, this arrangement needs to come to an end:
Marzipan Shepherdess: Stop babysitting Lia immediately! LW, I know that you want to help your family, but her accusations could put you at serious risk for arrest and could ruin your life. Listen to your own fears—they’re not paranoia and they’re not unfounded. Tell your sister that you can no longer babysit Lia and tell her why. Frankly, I wouldn’t recommend that ANYONE babysit Lia because anyone could be endangered by her “stories.” At her age, she might not be able to grasp the message of “The Boy Who Cried “Wolf!”, but as soon as she CAN understand it, she should be told it and should be told its message: When you lie routinely, then you won’t be believed even in an emergency when it’s crucial that people take you seriously. And yes, this is a real danger for Lia—if she goes on like this, then she won’t be believed if she ever IS abused or injured by an adult; they’ll assume that she’s lying once more and will dismiss whatever she says out of hand.
JHD: My heart goes out to Lia, who seems to be suffering a lot during this period of huge upheaval and stress without being taken seriously by her parents—but you can’t fix this, and it’s probably only going to get worse if it continues to be ignored. The politics of where you live are pretty irrelevant here; a 4-year-old who consistently yells about being kidnapped and makes false accusations of abuse, especially if repeated to a mandatory reporter like a pediatrician, WILL eventually cause you and your child and family serious issues no matter where you are. You’re going to have to tell your husband immediately that you are neither willing nor able to continue to be her primary caregiver.
We’re Here, We’re Queer, We’re Nervous: Maybe it’s not very helpful to be told “I don’t think you’re overreacting,” but writing from and to a part of the U.S. South where queerness is publicly, loudly, and repeatedly equated with pedophilia … I don’t think you’re overreacting. Put in the cameras. Show your SIL the relevant news articles. Neither you nor Lia is safe from how other adults may react if Lia continues to process the upheaval in her life by … whatever the hell this is.
You say in your letter that you’re thinking about telling your sister-in-law to find other childcare, and I don’t think you should do that. I definitely agree with people who urged you to have a talk with your husband instead. He should be the one to deliver the news. But before that, he has to understand where you’re coming from, or at least respect it. I really hope he can get there:
Nanana: You need to sit down and have a talk with your husband. You need to be a team in this. You are not safe watching this child and he needs to understand that. Whether he agrees or not, you need to stop watching this child. She is not your responsibility or your husband’s responsibility. It’s up to her parents to provide care for her. If your marriage won’t survive this, then it is not a good match.
Clergy Person: The first step is to talk to your husband about your concerns, at a moment when you’re both calm, sober, well-fed and not in a hurry to get somewhere. Keep at the conversation and don’t drop the issue until he understands that you’re not able to continue with the status quo. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re being paranoid; that’s not relevant. The real issue is that you’re not comfortable watching your SIL’s daughter because her form of acting out plays upon your concerns as a gay man in a not-so-gay-friendly place. He needs to talk to his sister and let her know that you can’t do this anymore. You have a right to not feel terrorized in your day to day interactions in public.
Becky: You’re in a bad spot. You are, understandably, trying to figure out how to get out of this situation while keeping everyone happy. As you are discovering, you aren’t going to be able to keep everyone happy. Lia’s problems no doubt stem from the same attitude you’re seeing from her mom now. The answer there is clear: Stop watching Lia, now. You are risking legal and physical harm. The part with your husband is trickier. Why isn’t he taking you seriously? Does he have a history of blowing off your concerns and expecting you to plow through bad situations? Does he generally side with his family of origin over you, his life partner? You don’t have any *fun* choices, but you do have choices. If your options are 1) risk physical/legal danger or 2) risk “blowing up” your marriage to a shockingly dismissive and unsupportive partner, I think you have to risk number two.
I hope it doesn’t reach “blowing up your marriage” levels. But you really should pay close attention to whether he’s able to see this situation from your perspective or show any concern for your feelings about your own well-being.
One thing that might help this feel less dramatic would be to create a gradual transition away from providing childcare for Lia, rather than stopping abruptly. For example, you could agree to keep the current arrangement going for another month, but refuse to take Lia in public, like this reader suggested:
Camel: Your need for personal safety outweighs your sister-in-law’s need for free child care. Do not take Lia out into public until she knocks it off, which probably means waiting for her to grow up more. If the need to run errands means you can’t take care of Lia, them’s the breaks. Or is there a woman or teenage girl near you who can watch Lia for an hour while you’re out and about? Unanswered questions: Does Lia treat your husband or other people the same way? Is she afraid of men in general? I assume your sister-in-law and her soon-to-be-ex know that her claims of abuse are baseless? And, most concerningly, where is a 4-year-old getting these ideas of physical assaults and kidnapping from?
Combining this approach with a camera installed in your home might help you to feel more secure, at least until your SIL can find a real daycare with an open spot. Ultimately, that will be better for you and for Lia, who would really benefit from being cared for by someone who has experience with kids with all kinds of issues and has studied child development—someone who has the tools to help her through this difficult time without being afraid for their own well-being. She deserves that, and you deserve some relief.
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