Well, at least she found out before the wedding...

[swingandswirl]

Carolyn Hax: Fiancé secretly tracks ‘gold digger’s’ contribution to shared home

She wants to believe fiancé’s “gold digger” jab was just anxiety talking — but he also has a spreadsheet of what each has spent.

Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I bought a house late last year, with help from his parents. Though we both make good salaries, he comes from a rich family, and I was raised by a single mom. His parents insisted on giving us the money for our down payment and closing costs, and my mom gave us a dishwasher, which was very generous of all of them and also appreciated.

We have been working like mad on fixing the house up to get it ready for our wedding. Neither of us is very experienced with DIY, so it’s been a difficult, stressful process and caused some tension between us. We were discussing what kind of flooring to get for the front hall, and I wanted the more expensive but easier-to-work-with stuff. We got into a fight that escalated to the point of him accusing me of being a gold digger who was after his money. I was in shock and asked him why he would think that, and he said, “Because you told me about how you grew up poor,” and he’s had the thought in the back of his head since we bought the house. He told me he has a spreadsheet where he keeps track of how much he’s spent on me versus how much I’ve spent on him and he has spent thousands more on me, not even counting the money his parents gave us.

I told him that didn’t sound right since we split all costs 50/50, and he admitted it included my engagement ring. It is a family heirloom his great-aunt gave him, but he was counting the value of it.Later he apologized, but I’m still hurt and angry. I feel paranoid that maybe his family said something. I’m really sad that all this time I’ve been loving him and thinking he was wonderful, and he’s been thinking this way about me and even documenting it so he could throw it in my face.

He’s said the spreadsheet is just an “anxiety thing” and he loves me and wants us to work on fixing things. I think I do, too, but then I think of what he said and I get overwhelmed. How can I get over this?

— “Gold Digger”

 

“Gold Digger”: Whoo. I don’t know. I don’t know that I could.

 

Or that you should.

 

He not only has kept the thought in the back of his mind for months? years? that you have poor values and ulterior motives and can’t be trusted, but kept records in the event he needs to prove it.

 

I wish I had a more hopeful answer for you. But he either lashed out impulsively and didn’t mean it, or accidentally told the truth — those are the only two choices — and the first is a stretch when there’s a spreadsheet as evidence of the second.

 

Plus, the first is so vicious in its own right.

 

He says he loves you, okay. But trusts? Respects? Believes in?

 

Does he feel lucky every day to be the person you chose?

 

Best case, “just an ‘anxiety thing,’” still casts you as a threat to be controlled. So the “work on fixing things” doesn’t sound like DIY, but instead couples counseling at the least.

 

The family paranoia, by the way, is wasted stress — each of you stands on your own authority in choosing your partner, 100 percent, or you’re not ready to be anyone’s partner. If he’s that susceptible to their influence, then the problem is still between the two of you, so that’s where your attention belongs.

 

Comments

[oursin]

Three midnight spectres to this guy, STAT, without waiting for Christmas.

[conuly]

Oh ffs. Dear LW's soon-to-be-ex-Fiance - there is no way your heirloom engagement ring is worth what you imagine it's worth.

[lannamichaels]

So obviously this is massive betrayal of trust and every red flag you can imagine, but ALSO what makes it go from "betrayal of trust" to "bad faith everything" is including the family engagement ring, which he did NOT pay for, so it's not money he's spent on her. What else is he including? Costing out his time he's spending with her and charging her for it?

Also, how did he value that ring, exactly? I have For Reasons ended up in possesion of an ancestor's wedding ring and I suspect it's worth essentially the gold it's made up of, which I doubt is much. Ditto for a different person's engagement ring that she didn't like and so never wore, which is how it ended up in the box here; it's a diamond ring but that's not got much resale value. How did he get this appraised? Is he including sentiment in it?

[matsushima]

Maybe if his family is rich-rich, like old money 1% rich, it's possible that the engagement ring has 1) a lot of valuable gemstones, and/or 2) historical and/or artistic value, but that's unlikely - and, either way, he didn't pay for it, so it shouldn't "count."

(… and he shouldn't be "counting" like this at all.)

[melannen]

LW when you break up, tell him that since y'all are keeping balance accounts of these kinds of things, if he wants the family engagement ring back he'll have to pay you a couple thousand dollars for it.

[purlewe]

Yeah I think legally she might be entitled to keep the ring if she breaks up. If he really wants it back he can fork some cash over. Lol

[melannen]

Yeah, legally it's hers, and traditionally it's the last lingering Western version of the traditional valuables a bride gets as proof he can support a family/so that if the marriage fails, she has something to start over with. Usually these days women give it back, especially if it's sentimental, but if he's going to be like that about it...

[purlewe]

Exactly!!

[lannamichaels]

IIRC the person I know whose fiance dumped her after wedding invites had gone out, sold the ring and used the amount (which was not really that much) to pay off some of the expenses of doing things like getting wedding invites printed and mailed.

[laurajv]

engagement rings are handled differently legally in different jurisdictions. the argument is that they aren't a gift the way a random ring is, but they are attached to a legal promise, and so they're in a different category of property in some areas.

She should check her jurisdiction if she wants to be petty about it -- in some places, whoever ENDS the relationship has no right to the ring, but in others it IS considered a straight-up gift.

[melannen]

Yes, she should definitely hang on to a copy of the spreadsheet so that if it ends up in front of a judge, she has a clear case that he did not consider the ring as a conditional part of the marriage contract, but as "money spent on her" as part of an existing agreement to split living costs during the engagement.

[conuly]

Yes, if you give somebody a gift then they are legally entitled to keep it.

[purlewe]

Look. Even if this person wasn't throwing every red flag in the book (and a wobbly to boot. He got mad about flooring?) he has a chip on his shoulder about their income differences and backgrounds. He could work on that shit himself, but until he does do not marry him. It is entirely possible that his family also makes comments to him about her background/income differences. And that might never go away.

[topaz_eyes]

LW's fiance put his thumb on the scale by wrongly adding the engagement ring value to the tally. That's neither trust nor respect, which are both needed for a healthy marriage. If he's willing to do that, he'll be paranoid about every penny LW spends going forward.

Arguments about finances before marriage are a big predictor of future divorce, and this one's a doozy. LW, call in Whole Man Disposal now. If he's been sending out feelers on a pre-nup, also dump him.

[jamoche]

He also sounds like the sort to flip out if she gets a job that pays more than his.

[mrissa]

One of my reactions to the engagement ring thing is that this is exactly the kind of "the things I do count extra, the things you do count at a discounted rate" reckoning that leads to SERIOUSLY unequal division of chores in a household. This is an "I took out the trash once a week, give me a medal/you do the shopping, cooking, and dishes every night because it's your JOB and why don't you do it BETTER" individual.

[movingfinger]

1. "...wants us to work on fixing things..." There is no "us" here needing to "work on fixing things." It's him. It is 100%, entirely him.

2. He's wrong about buying cheap flooring. Smart money knows you buy the good stuff, so it's less likely to take damage (waste materials=$) during installation and so you don't have to rip it out and do it over sooner rather than later. If he's the cheap-fix type, or the type to bitch about what actual plumbers cost, he's going to be a pain to deal with about maintenance, repairs, and improvements.

3. She should take that spreadsheet to a lawyer with an estimate (on the generous, unforgiving side) of how much time she has put into the renovation. At the very least, if she decides to get back together, she will be in a way to be reimbursed, with appreciation/interest, as part of the prenup she's going to negotiate with Mr. Scorekeeper. And get that ring appraised, if only for insurance! Most likely, it's worth the weight of the gold, unless the rock is truly spectacular---and if it's an old-style cut, the rock might not even be valued highly!

But this guy's not a keeper. I suspect there have been other things that should have tipped her off, but she wanted it to work out so she looked away.

[azurelunatic]

RUN.