Well, at least she found out before the wedding...

[swingandswirl]

Carolyn Hax: Fiancé secretly tracks ‘gold digger’s’ contribution to shared home

She wants to believe fiancé’s “gold digger” jab was just anxiety talking — but he also has a spreadsheet of what each has spent.

Dear Carolyn: My fiancé and I bought a house late last year, with help from his parents. Though we both make good salaries, he comes from a rich family, and I was raised by a single mom. His parents insisted on giving us the money for our down payment and closing costs, and my mom gave us a dishwasher, which was very generous of all of them and also appreciated.

We have been working like mad on fixing the house up to get it ready for our wedding. Neither of us is very experienced with DIY, so it’s been a difficult, stressful process and caused some tension between us. We were discussing what kind of flooring to get for the front hall, and I wanted the more expensive but easier-to-work-with stuff. We got into a fight that escalated to the point of him accusing me of being a gold digger who was after his money. I was in shock and asked him why he would think that, and he said, “Because you told me about how you grew up poor,” and he’s had the thought in the back of his head since we bought the house. He told me he has a spreadsheet where he keeps track of how much he’s spent on me versus how much I’ve spent on him and he has spent thousands more on me, not even counting the money his parents gave us.

I told him that didn’t sound right since we split all costs 50/50, and he admitted it included my engagement ring. It is a family heirloom his great-aunt gave him, but he was counting the value of it.Later he apologized, but I’m still hurt and angry. I feel paranoid that maybe his family said something. I’m really sad that all this time I’ve been loving him and thinking he was wonderful, and he’s been thinking this way about me and even documenting it so he could throw it in my face.

He’s said the spreadsheet is just an “anxiety thing” and he loves me and wants us to work on fixing things. I think I do, too, but then I think of what he said and I get overwhelmed. How can I get over this?

— “Gold Digger”

 

“Gold Digger”: Whoo. I don’t know. I don’t know that I could.

 

Or that you should.

 

He not only has kept the thought in the back of his mind for months? years? that you have poor values and ulterior motives and can’t be trusted, but kept records in the event he needs to prove it.

 

I wish I had a more hopeful answer for you. But he either lashed out impulsively and didn’t mean it, or accidentally told the truth — those are the only two choices — and the first is a stretch when there’s a spreadsheet as evidence of the second.

 

Plus, the first is so vicious in its own right.

 

He says he loves you, okay. But trusts? Respects? Believes in?

 

Does he feel lucky every day to be the person you chose?

 

Best case, “just an ‘anxiety thing,’” still casts you as a threat to be controlled. So the “work on fixing things” doesn’t sound like DIY, but instead couples counseling at the least.

 

The family paranoia, by the way, is wasted stress — each of you stands on your own authority in choosing your partner, 100 percent, or you’re not ready to be anyone’s partner. If he’s that susceptible to their influence, then the problem is still between the two of you, so that’s where your attention belongs.

 

Comments

[melannen]

LW when you break up, tell him that since y'all are keeping balance accounts of these kinds of things, if he wants the family engagement ring back he'll have to pay you a couple thousand dollars for it.

[purlewe]

Yeah I think legally she might be entitled to keep the ring if she breaks up. If he really wants it back he can fork some cash over. Lol

[melannen]

Yeah, legally it's hers, and traditionally it's the last lingering Western version of the traditional valuables a bride gets as proof he can support a family/so that if the marriage fails, she has something to start over with. Usually these days women give it back, especially if it's sentimental, but if he's going to be like that about it...

[purlewe]

Exactly!!

[lannamichaels]

IIRC the person I know whose fiance dumped her after wedding invites had gone out, sold the ring and used the amount (which was not really that much) to pay off some of the expenses of doing things like getting wedding invites printed and mailed.

[laurajv]

engagement rings are handled differently legally in different jurisdictions. the argument is that they aren't a gift the way a random ring is, but they are attached to a legal promise, and so they're in a different category of property in some areas.

She should check her jurisdiction if she wants to be petty about it -- in some places, whoever ENDS the relationship has no right to the ring, but in others it IS considered a straight-up gift.

[melannen]

Yes, she should definitely hang on to a copy of the spreadsheet so that if it ends up in front of a judge, she has a clear case that he did not consider the ring as a conditional part of the marriage contract, but as "money spent on her" as part of an existing agreement to split living costs during the engagement.

[conuly]

Yes, if you give somebody a gift then they are legally entitled to keep it.