Annie's Mailbox

[cereta]

Dear Annie: I live five hours away from my parents and a married younger brother. I work two jobs and can only afford to visit my folks once a month or so.

Lately, when I have driven out to see them, I am the last to discover that the four of them have already made plans. They never think to ask if I want to join them. Sometimes, I end up attending the same concert but sitting in the back, alone, while they have better seats. Or I house-sit while they spend the weekend at a casino.

I have tried phoning weeks ahead to let them know when I am coming, and I've changed my plans if I learn they are already busy that weekend. Yet asking to join them seems to surprise everyone and invariably ends up being quite awkward.

What drove me to tears was when they made plans to go to Mexico for a week this summer, and I found out about it when my father told me offhandedly that the four of them had booked their flight. When I asked why I wasn't invited, he responded by saying that they were given paired tickets, and because I am single, it would have meant one unused ticket. My mother then said I was welcome to come if I paid for my own plane ticket and hotel room.

I always thought I was close to my family, but now I see that I'm being left out because I am not married. I'd like to be with them, but if I am going to be ignored, how do I handle that? -- Exiled Fifth Wheel

Dear Exiled: We don't think this is deliberate so much as thoughtless. Your parents and brother make plans together when it is convenient for them and don't consider your presence a factor because you are usually away. You could try explaining how hurt you are when they do this, but don't expect it to change much. Let your parents know when you are planning to visit, and ask whether they have already made plans. If so, don't try to join them. Come the weekend before or after. And in the meantime, do more things on your own or with friends.

Comments

[cereta]

Taking this letter at face value, the LW is being treated very badly, and I would recommend they start building and strengthening relationships where she is now. I mean, the old stand-by of, "talk to them about it" remains, but I think in the long run, they're going to have to accept the situation.

That they're driving 10 hours round trip once a month, and describes that as "only," really stands out to me. Were they a very close-knit family when they were growing up? Was there a time when she was pressured to spend time with them? Or is it that their local sibling clearly spends a lot of time with their parents? That "only" just really strikes me, although this is possibly because I live even closer to my mother, and I can't imagine making that trip once a month.

[the_rck]

The response seems kind of inadequate. I'm not sure what I'd suggest, but part of the advice includes things the letter writer is already doing (telling them in advance of visits). I think it's equally bad whether the parents and brother are failing to notice what they're doing to the letter writer or if they notice and don't care or don't understand why it matters. Both are selfish behavior.

I wonder if this isn't all meant, on some level, to punish the letter writer for moving away and not being there constantly.

[kiezh]

My advice to the LW would be to stop pouring emotional energy (and time and money) into the uncaring void, and start mourning the relationship they want to have with their family but aren't going to get. The family is behaving in a contemptuous and dismissive manner that displays no desire for the LW's company or friendship, and how much of that is thoughtlessness and how much is malice is... pretty much moot. Nothing the LW does is going to motivate them to change; they're fine with things as they are.

It sucks a lot to want to be close with family but find that they aren't willing to invest their time or energy in you at all. But it's not fixable by pouring more effort into it. (Maaaaybe if the LW drops their efforts the parents might wake up one day and realize they have a kid they never see, and make an effort to schedule something, but better not hold your breath.)

Spend all that effort and energy and desire for connection on people who might conceivably reciprocate.

[minoanmiss]

You know how they say blood is thicker than water? It really means that the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. OP, find some found family. In my experience they're often a lot more dependable than the people one shares the genetic lottery with.

*sends OP a hub*

[jadelennox]

yeah, while I flat-out disagree with the advice given by Annie (I don't think it's thoughtlessness or malice; to me it reads like passive aggressive behavior from family members who don't like spending time with the LW), I agree with you that trying to mind read is pretty much moot.

LW's family isn't going to change. It's time to mourn, to come terms with things, and to figure out what they need to do to protect their heart. How often should they visit? How do they protect themselves when family asks where they've been? Are there children or cousins LW wants to find a way to stay in touch with, and if so, how? And definitely it's time to look for found family.

[eleanorjane]

My first thought was "how utterly heartbreaking for LW".

My second thought was that maybe the LW should examine their own social behaviour to see if there is a reason their family is treating them this way.

I'm absolutely not victim-blaming here, but... I feel like we've seen the other side of this letter before, where that LW is all "my sibling is absolutely awful because of XYZ and we've taken to just avoiding them and pointedly making Plans That Do Not Involve Them but they won't take the hint and correct their behaviour or go away".

Perhaps I'm giving the family too much credit here; it's just that the behaviour the LW describes is so unthinkable to me that I can't help but feel like there might be another reason behind it. Maybe the family really is that thoughtless, though? (But in that case, would this treatment be such a surprise to the LW?)

Either way, LW needs to make a change - whether that's looking at their own behaviour to see if this is just a badly-delivered passive aggressive message prompted by something they're doing, or whether that's ceasing to pour love and energy into a black hole, something's gotta give.

[pensnest]

I'm getting more of the vibe of this being the child who was never the favourite, never top of the priorities list, and who has therefore always tried harder to do… whatever it is that the family wants.

Is there any indication that the parents and sibling are making space for this person? No. They seem surprised that the Eldest Child of the family seems to want to be part of the family. There's no mention of the parents making the trip in reverse to see their distant child. The LW is making every effort, the family is making none.

I think the advice is wrong. The family are thoughtless to an extent that equates to heartless. LW is already doing the things that 'Annie' suggests. I'd say: stop visiting. Call, perhaps, on a regular schedule, but don't visit unless they ask… and in the ten hours saved, set about finding some more congenial people locally to do things with.

[neotoma]

It doesn't matter if it's deliberate or thoughtless at this point -- it's not changed in spite of a lot of effort by the LW to work around their family's plans, and their family kept excluding them, even when it would have required minimal effort not to.

The LW needs to find local friends to have close emotional relationships with, because their birth family isn't interested in putting in their half of the work on this relationship.

[likeaduck]

Re: the deliberate vs. thoughtless debate: my family is a bit "thoughtless" in these ways--they often neglect to tell me plans, to the point where I missed a family wedding recently because nobody told me when it was happening. But the other side of that, because they do want to spend time with me, is everyone assuming I am on board with the plans they haven't told me about, like my mom texting me on a work day saying she's visiting my city with a friend and they thought they'd take me for lunch...in half an hour.

Thoughtlessness does not prevent other (frustrating) ways people can show interest in hanging out with you, but that doesn't seem to be there in this case.