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agonyaunt2024-07-19 09:33 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-07-19 09:33 am
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Dear Prudence: I Want To Ask My Wife For A Paternity Test No Matter What
Why does it seem like a husband asking his wife for a paternity test is so controversial and seemingly regarded as one of the worst things possible to ask? There are definitely many wrong ways to ask the question, so please assume the question is asked well in-advance before pregnancy, and that it is asked gently with space for discussion. The online discourse I read from women seems very unempathetic for this issue. What is the harm in a paternity test? Specifically, one conducted after birth where there is no risk to the child. Women (basically) never have to contend with the scenario that the child they’re raising may unknowingly not be theirs. Just as there are many experiences and situations that women go through that I, as a man, will never have to contend with but which I am empathetic to, this is one particular issue that women do not have to contend with that men do.
Studies vary, but false paternity is about 1-3 percent, which translates to millions of people in America. I do many things to make my partner feel secure in our relationship, so that she KNOWS something rather than taking it on faith, because why not give a person that level of security if you can? I’m aware that I could do a test in secret, but I do not want to keep secrets like that from my partner. Why is it regarded as so offensive for me to have a fear of mine resolved through a cheap, convenient test? It really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner, who I love, as I have always wanted to be sure of paternity ever since I decided as a teenager that I wanted to be a father someday.
—Parentally Insecure
Dear Insecure,
You’ve framed your question as being about society as a whole—what’s generally okay for husbands to do and why, what studies say, and why “it is regarded” (by who exactly?) as offensive for you to want this test. That’s the wrong way to think about this. It doesn’t matter what the stats are or what the online discourse says. The people making comments on the internet aren’t going to be in your house with you the day you tell your partner about your plan to go to Quest Diagnostics! This is about the two of you and how you can both be secure and happy.
You do have the right idea when it comes to bringing it up before she’s pregnant. Say, “I have something I’m a little nervous to talk to you about because I don’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings,” and then explain why you’re going to want a paternity test when and if she gets pregnant. But listen to me carefully here: The reason you’re going to cite is not “there are millions of false paternity cases a year, and it’s not fair that you’ll be sure that you’re the mother but I won’t have the same proof that I’m the father.” Absolutely not. The reason is “I love you and trust you, but I have this deep fear and anxiety about this issue. I’ve always had it and I would have it with any partner.” Then say, “I know it’s an unusual request, but is it something we could plan to do just to put my mind at ease? Or would you be okay with me doing it at some point and just not mentioning it? Tell me what you think because at the end of the day, this is about me wanting to create a family with you, and your happiness is a huge piece of that.”
Studies vary, but false paternity is about 1-3 percent, which translates to millions of people in America. I do many things to make my partner feel secure in our relationship, so that she KNOWS something rather than taking it on faith, because why not give a person that level of security if you can? I’m aware that I could do a test in secret, but I do not want to keep secrets like that from my partner. Why is it regarded as so offensive for me to have a fear of mine resolved through a cheap, convenient test? It really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner, who I love, as I have always wanted to be sure of paternity ever since I decided as a teenager that I wanted to be a father someday.
—Parentally Insecure
Dear Insecure,
You’ve framed your question as being about society as a whole—what’s generally okay for husbands to do and why, what studies say, and why “it is regarded” (by who exactly?) as offensive for you to want this test. That’s the wrong way to think about this. It doesn’t matter what the stats are or what the online discourse says. The people making comments on the internet aren’t going to be in your house with you the day you tell your partner about your plan to go to Quest Diagnostics! This is about the two of you and how you can both be secure and happy.
You do have the right idea when it comes to bringing it up before she’s pregnant. Say, “I have something I’m a little nervous to talk to you about because I don’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings,” and then explain why you’re going to want a paternity test when and if she gets pregnant. But listen to me carefully here: The reason you’re going to cite is not “there are millions of false paternity cases a year, and it’s not fair that you’ll be sure that you’re the mother but I won’t have the same proof that I’m the father.” Absolutely not. The reason is “I love you and trust you, but I have this deep fear and anxiety about this issue. I’ve always had it and I would have it with any partner.” Then say, “I know it’s an unusual request, but is it something we could plan to do just to put my mind at ease? Or would you be okay with me doing it at some point and just not mentioning it? Tell me what you think because at the end of the day, this is about me wanting to create a family with you, and your happiness is a huge piece of that.”
no subject
A false paternity rate of 1-3% is low. It also means that 97-99% of paternity tests are true. LW, are you willing to throw away your marriage on a 1-3% chance?
LW needs to see a therapist about his deep-seated trust and control issues. And maybe avoid certain Reddit subs or other online spaces that are feeding his mistrust.
no subject
The LW wouldn't just be asking "I've had this deep anxiety since I was a teenager, so please humor me." He would be saying that he will believe "Science" over what his wife tells him. Yes, they could do two tests, with different samples sent them to two different labs, but that requires him to really believe he's the father if two tests disagree.
no subject
There are ways to ask that aren't "I accuse you of cheating" -- e.g. "I keep hearing stories of babies switched at birth, I know it's a largely irrational fear but I'd like to make sure we have the right baby" -- but it needs to be broached as a topic of discussion before any pregnancy happens.
And I struggle with the idea that raising a child you aren't related to is somehow wrong. I get that cheating is bad, but LW says it isn't about that.