Dear Prudence: I Want To Ask My Wife For A Paternity Test No Matter What

[minoanmiss]

Why does it seem like a husband asking his wife for a paternity test is so controversial and seemingly regarded as one of the worst things possible to ask? There are definitely many wrong ways to ask the question, so please assume the question is asked well in-advance before pregnancy, and that it is asked gently with space for discussion. The online discourse I read from women seems very unempathetic for this issue. What is the harm in a paternity test? Specifically, one conducted after birth where there is no risk to the child. Women (basically) never have to contend with the scenario that the child they’re raising may unknowingly not be theirs. Just as there are many experiences and situations that women go through that I, as a man, will never have to contend with but which I am empathetic to, this is one particular issue that women do not have to contend with that men do.

Studies vary, but false paternity is about 1-3 percent, which translates to millions of people in America. I do many things to make my partner feel secure in our relationship, so that she KNOWS something rather than taking it on faith, because why not give a person that level of security if you can? I’m aware that I could do a test in secret, but I do not want to keep secrets like that from my partner. Why is it regarded as so offensive for me to have a fear of mine resolved through a cheap, convenient test? It really has nothing to do with what I think of my partner, who I love, as I have always wanted to be sure of paternity ever since I decided as a teenager that I wanted to be a father someday.
—Parentally Insecure

Dear Insecure,

You’ve framed your question as being about society as a whole—what’s generally okay for husbands to do and why, what studies say, and why “it is regarded” (by who exactly?) as offensive for you to want this test. That’s the wrong way to think about this. It doesn’t matter what the stats are or what the online discourse says. The people making comments on the internet aren’t going to be in your house with you the day you tell your partner about your plan to go to Quest Diagnostics! This is about the two of you and how you can both be secure and happy.

You do have the right idea when it comes to bringing it up before she’s pregnant. Say, “I have something I’m a little nervous to talk to you about because I don’t want to offend you or hurt your feelings,” and then explain why you’re going to want a paternity test when and if she gets pregnant. But listen to me carefully here: The reason you’re going to cite is not “there are millions of false paternity cases a year, and it’s not fair that you’ll be sure that you’re the mother but I won’t have the same proof that I’m the father.” Absolutely not. The reason is “I love you and trust you, but I have this deep fear and anxiety about this issue. I’ve always had it and I would have it with any partner.” Then say, “I know it’s an unusual request, but is it something we could plan to do just to put my mind at ease? Or would you be okay with me doing it at some point and just not mentioning it? Tell me what you think because at the end of the day, this is about me wanting to create a family with you, and your happiness is a huge piece of that.”

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Dude, can it with the fake global logic. You know this is not about Common Practice or anything logical. It's about your personal desire for reassurance, at best. (And also maybe whether you would like to put your wife inside a pumpkin shell.) Own it at least.

[topaz_eyes]

Demanding a paternity test when it's not warranted is offensive, LW, because it means that you don't fundamentally trust your partner.

A false paternity rate of 1-3% is low. It also means that 97-99% of paternity tests are true. LW, are you willing to throw away your marriage on a 1-3% chance?

LW needs to see a therapist about his deep-seated trust and control issues. And maybe avoid certain Reddit subs or other online spaces that are feeding his mistrust.

[redbird]

The LW is taking for granted that the test results will be accurate. Based on a little googling, there aren't a lot of false negatives for the yes-no question "are these two people parent and child"--but even a false negative rate of one in many thousand means is greater than zero, and that matters.

The LW wouldn't just be asking "I've had this deep anxiety since I was a teenager, so please humor me." He would be saying that he will believe "Science" over what his wife tells him. Yes, they could do two tests, with different samples sent them to two different labs, but that requires him to really believe he's the father if two tests disagree.

[ysobel]

And IIRC the rate of false paternity is *of those tested*, not overall. Which self-selects to guys who had doubts.

There are ways to ask that aren't "I accuse you of cheating" -- e.g. "I keep hearing stories of babies switched at birth, I know it's a largely irrational fear but I'd like to make sure we have the right baby" -- but it needs to be broached as a topic of discussion before any pregnancy happens.

And I struggle with the idea that raising a child you aren't related to is somehow wrong. I get that cheating is bad, but LW says it isn't about that.

[conuly]

That NPE rate includes lots of situations where both parents knew the deal, they just never told the kid. Also, if LW wants to avoid this situation he can always get snipped.

[ethelmay]

Yes, plus families where they did tell the kid there was donor insemination or Dad stepped in and married Mom when biodad disappeared (I know a family like this - Dad was on the birth certificate but the child was always told he was essentially an adoptive dad).

[swingandswirl]

The stupidest fucking thing is, there is absolutely a way to ask for a paternity test without implying your wife cheated.

'Honey, I fell down one of those stupid YouTube rabbit holes and found a video about babies who got switched at birth. I know you would never in a million years cheat on me, but my brain is being dumb, so if it's okay with you can we check us and the baby?'

[lilysea]

Not just

a) cheating

or

b) switched at birth, either

there have been a lot of stories recently in Australian news about fertility clinics using a different semen sample to the ones they were supposed to be using, and not owning up to the mistake.

Sometimes it's "was supposed to use semen from person who was going to raise child, used donor semen instead"

sometimes its "was supposed to use donor A but used donor B instead"

sometimes its "Dr running fertility clinic used his own semen without telling anyone"

[full_metal_ox]

And sometimes Tomato Surprises like chimerism create false negatives for maternity:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lydia_Fairchild

[conuly]

there have been a lot of stories recently in Australian news about fertility clinics using a different semen sample to the ones they were supposed to be using, and not owning up to the mistake.

A worldwide phenomenon, and it looks like a lot of the time that's a rogue doctor using his sperm because reasons. Skeevy, skeevy reasons.

[dissectionist]

It doesn’t sound like LW is interested in lying to his partner, though, so I’m not sure he’d be willing to lie about why he wants the test.

I feel like just because he created this fear when he was a teenager and has held on it ever since, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t let go of it now. Part of growing up should be examining our beliefs and fears, and growing beyond what we no longer need. I wish he’d get some therapy around this issue so he can release it.

[haggis]

As the gestational parent of a child who is not genetically relaxed to me, I find it really weird that a paternity test would mean that you no longer love a baby that you loved the day before. I understand that it suggests (but doesn't prove) your partner has cheated on you but that isn't the baby's fault.

[mildred_of_midgard]

As a person who was raised by a father not related to me, I feel the same way. My parents made loooots of mistakes, but treating us differently based on parentage was not one!

[tielan]

THIS.

[minoanmiss]

This!

I read an article about a man who, long story short, was widowed shortly after his wife gave birth to their daughter, then found out the baby is not his biological daughter. So now he's planning to put the child up for adoption! I don't understand his POV at all -- he loved the child until he found out about her conception, but she's still a baby who needs him. How can he just detach like that?

[cereta]

I've read about several men who abandoned children they had raised and ostensibly loved for as much as 12 years. I just don't get that.

[minoanmiss]

shaking my head.

[conuly]

On the flipside, I once read a letter to... probably Abby, but idk - from a man who basically said dudes who do this are dipshits, he knows his son was the product of infidelity, but he's the real winner and his ex-wife who fobbed him off on him in the divorce lost out, any decent person would be proud to be related to that young man.

Every once in a while I think about that letter in counterpoint to those, well, dipshits and I want to give that man and his son a cookie.

[minoanmiss]

I needed to know this today. Thank you.

[conuly]

Yeah, dudes who promote this always try to act like it's a universal fear, but no, it's their own bullshit.

[movingfinger]

He needs to ask well before they begin planning to get pregnant, so she can deal with her packing and paperwork.

[ethelmay]

IIRC, the one to three percent is for those who asked for a paternity test. Which means 97 to 99% of the time when guys thought they weren't the father they were wrong. The percentage of men walking around not knowing that they aren't the bio dad of their kids is under 1%.

[mrissa]

The online discourse I read from women seems very unempathetic for this issue. Yep, the empathy problem that we have here is absolutely that WOMEN are not empathizing with YOU enough, LW.

[castiron]

Sure, it's not fair that women know they're the mother (absent switched-in-hospital situations) and men don't know they're the father. It's also not fair that the production of children is an enjoyable few minutes for men and a nine-month potentially dangerous burden for women.

[mildred_of_midgard]

Often culminating in hours of excruciating pain, not to mention the aftereffects!