Ask Elaine: How do I respond to people who say my only child needs a sibling?

[minoanmiss]

Dear Elaine: I have an almost 2-year-old, and after two miscarriages, I learned another pregnancy is likely very dangerous for me. We think we can have a happy life with one child, but worry about the effect it will have on him and how we will be judged by others. I have been told, “He needs a sibling” or, “He will be lonely.” Any advice on how to navigate parenting one child in a society that expects more from mothers?

— One and Done

One and Done: I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. It’s hard enough going through that, let alone having to process and accept the risk factors it presents for growing your family in the future. Especially in the midst of a soaring maternal mortality crisis in this country, how can anyone blame you for wanting to only have one child?

Your only child, by the way, is whole on his own — so are you, whether you choose to have another baby or not. If you and your partner feel fulfilled with your family structure as is, don’t give another thought to other people’s opinions.

After a difficult pregnancy that was taxing on my mental and physical health, my general feeling is that other people don’t get a say in what you choose to do with your body. Period. Yet, I am asked almost daily — online and in real life — about when I will have another baby. So, I empathize with you on the societal pressure to keep popping out kids. In my experience most of the commentary is well-intentioned but I do find it especially confusing when flippant questions come from other mothers who know firsthand the toll it takes to grow a family — from health factors to economic factors, like the well-documented motherhood penalty.

To help intercept the impact of other people’s judgments and questions, come up with canned responses that create boundaries around the topic. Stop yourself from explaining or justifying your decision. I’ve found myself saying things like, “That’s actually not on our agenda at the moment.” When there’s push back or they go into convincing, guilting or shaming, I sometimes respond, “We feel so fulfilled with our family life right now. But I’ll let you know if that changes.” Or when I’m in the mood, I may jokingly add a little quip, “Oh wow, that sounds lovely. So are you also saying that you’re down to carry the baby for me, wake up in the middle of the night to feed them from your body, and pay for their child care? If so, sign me right up!”

Remember that while people’s judgments or expectations may come on strong, they actually have nothing to do with you. They are just projections. You get to own and reclaim your own positive narrative around this. And other people don’t get a say unless you let them.

Despite popularly held beliefs, there is nothing that prevents a child without siblings from becoming a well-adjusted, well-rounded person. What’s important is that your son has community, socialization, and support. As a parent, you can cultivate that early on with intention. To supplement the social stimulation your child may already be getting in day care or eventually in school, expose them to family as often as possible and plug them in to a playdate network to reinforce relationship-building skills early. If your family can afford to, sign your child up for activities, like music or art classes, and eventually sports teams if they are interested.

Also, know that there is a thriving, growing community of parents globally who are choosing the one-and-done model of parenting (check out online support groups like oneanddoneparenting on Instagram) and who don’t regret having an only child. Not to dissuade you or anyone else from having more children if that’s what they want, but according to research from Population and Development Review, additional children beyond the first child can have a negative effect on well-being, for mothers specifically.

This is an intimate, life-altering decision that is yours to make with your partner. Keep checking in with yourself and your partner about how you feel about your family size and parenting to see whether you’re still on the same page. In the meantime, give yourselves full permission to enjoy your baby and the many benefits that come with a one-and-done lifestyle.

Comments

[conuly]

LW, practice saying this in a mirror until you can say it unthinkingly and with conviction: "Fuck off!"

Then practice saying this: "That certainly is an interesting opinion!"

Now, all you have to do is learn to say the latter so it sounds like the former.

[movingfinger]

^^^^^^^^^^^^
thisthisthis

[azurelunatic]

On the other hand, if I had been an only child my younger sister might not have

ow

dragged me around the (slippery) floor while holding me by my hair

because I had taken "don't hit your sister, she's smaller" a little too literally. I'm just saying, there are benefits.

[minoanmiss]

I see what you mean in terms of the benefits of being an only child. My mother dragged me around by my nose rather than my hair.

(I mean this more commiseratively than it sounds.)

[pauraque]

I have one child and I guess I should count myself lucky that nobody's ever considered it their business to question that! I would have been so taken aback if anyone had ever said such a thing that I don't think my reply would have been polite.

[conuly]

Yeah, seriously. If I see a person with any number of children and I'm making chitchat I might ask if they want any more, but whatever they say my response is "Oh, how wonderful!" Like, they don't want my honest opinion. I don't even want my honest opinion.

[jadelennox]

I have sometimes been a dumbass and clumsily phrased "three kids feels like a normal number to me, because that's what I grew up with, with a normal range between 2-5, because that's what I saw growing up" or "if I had kids [I don't] I would want three" in a way that was heard as "and therefore I am judging you for having either 1 or more than 5" which was not what I meant. And I apologized when I realized it came out that way. As a non-parent, it's sometimes hard to remember that parents get so much horrible judgemental shit that anybody talking about parenting can sound like more of the same, and of course everyone has opinions about childhood because we were all once kids. I've tried to get better as I got older but I'm sure I hurt a lot of people before I figured it out.

[minoanmiss]

You apologized -- that always means a lot.

[joyeuce]

As soon as I announced my pregnancy, family and friends decided it was their job to inform me that if I was having one child, I needed to have another "because only children are spoilt"* and "so that your child doesn't have to deal with your care and death alone"**. My reply at the time was along the lines of "Could we get this child safely born before anyone starts talking about further offspring, please?" Fortunately the comments died down after my daughter was born, and I've managed to fend off more innocent questions with a simple "One's enough for us!"

* My husband is an only child, so this did not go down well.
** I am not an only child, and still had to deal with my father's final illness and death without assistance from my brother (not his fault, he lives abroad and a good deal of this was during Covid travel restrictions).

[minoanmiss]

It's funny. I honestly don't know if I was a spoiled child, though I do know I wasn't generally bratty because I have always had a deep streak of people pleasing. But I definitely know my SO wasn't spoilt at all and is a wonderful person. I think the "only children are spoilt" maxim, if it comes from anywhere besides general nastiness, comes from the fact that an only child gets all the parental attention available. But parents of an only child can still not provide enough attention for one child (I have known only children who were emotionally and materially neglected), and they can provide WAY too much of the wrong kinds of attention (one way to characterize my fun-filled childhood).

(Also why are people terrible. "Can we get this one safely born please," is the LEAST they deserved from you and I'm so sorry they burdened you with foolishness especially when you were already very busy on a cellular level.)

[joyeuce]

Thanks. Oddly, one of the worst offenders was my mother, who was also an only child and who (like my husband) I would not describe as spoilt!

[ellen_fremedon]

LW could also practice bursting into tears, sharing all of her gory medical details, asking if they want her to die, and storming out of the room, so that they never say that to her or anyone else again.

That question is inherently intrusive and weird. LW is under no obligation to smooth it over.

[green_grrl]

Ooo, added benefit of making that person reconsider ever repeating that with another parent again. Yes, make it as traumatizing a reaction as possible!

[conuly]

That's an option!

[librarygeek]

I've done that. I thought it a normal human reaction to an extremely painful medical issue. I also used it at the idiots who thought "habitual aborter" was what they would call those "recreationally pregnant" and not a preliminary infertility diagnosis.

[minoanmiss]

I want to buy you a drink. And also give you a big hug from a small soft woman. (Me)

[haggis]

Jesus fuck, that is a horrible horrible medical term. I am so sorry that you had to experience that.

[librarygeek]

Seems the term is now recurrent pregnancy loss, but the forced birthers still believe that it's people who had a "habit" of getting pregnant and opting for voluntary abortions. No, if I didn't get abortion care after two of those three involuntary abortions, called miscarriages outside of medical care, I wouldn't have lived long enough to give birth to my only child, now in college and honor list. Fortunately, they're an introvert and are really glad to have been born "one and done".

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2709325/#:~:text=Recurrent%20pregnancy%20loss%20(RPL)%2C,from%20the%20last%20menstrual%20period.