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agonyaunt2024-07-05 12:39 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-07-05 12:39 am
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Ask Elaine: How do I respond to people who say my only child needs a sibling?
Dear Elaine: I have an almost 2-year-old, and after two miscarriages, I learned another pregnancy is likely very dangerous for me. We think we can have a happy life with one child, but worry about the effect it will have on him and how we will be judged by others. I have been told, “He needs a sibling” or, “He will be lonely.” Any advice on how to navigate parenting one child in a society that expects more from mothers?
— One and Done
One and Done: I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. It’s hard enough going through that, let alone having to process and accept the risk factors it presents for growing your family in the future. Especially in the midst of a soaring maternal mortality crisis in this country, how can anyone blame you for wanting to only have one child?
Your only child, by the way, is whole on his own — so are you, whether you choose to have another baby or not. If you and your partner feel fulfilled with your family structure as is, don’t give another thought to other people’s opinions.
After a difficult pregnancy that was taxing on my mental and physical health, my general feeling is that other people don’t get a say in what you choose to do with your body. Period. Yet, I am asked almost daily — online and in real life — about when I will have another baby. So, I empathize with you on the societal pressure to keep popping out kids. In my experience most of the commentary is well-intentioned but I do find it especially confusing when flippant questions come from other mothers who know firsthand the toll it takes to grow a family — from health factors to economic factors, like the well-documented motherhood penalty.
To help intercept the impact of other people’s judgments and questions, come up with canned responses that create boundaries around the topic. Stop yourself from explaining or justifying your decision. I’ve found myself saying things like, “That’s actually not on our agenda at the moment.” When there’s push back or they go into convincing, guilting or shaming, I sometimes respond, “We feel so fulfilled with our family life right now. But I’ll let you know if that changes.” Or when I’m in the mood, I may jokingly add a little quip, “Oh wow, that sounds lovely. So are you also saying that you’re down to carry the baby for me, wake up in the middle of the night to feed them from your body, and pay for their child care? If so, sign me right up!”
Remember that while people’s judgments or expectations may come on strong, they actually have nothing to do with you. They are just projections. You get to own and reclaim your own positive narrative around this. And other people don’t get a say unless you let them.
Despite popularly held beliefs, there is nothing that prevents a child without siblings from becoming a well-adjusted, well-rounded person. What’s important is that your son has community, socialization, and support. As a parent, you can cultivate that early on with intention. To supplement the social stimulation your child may already be getting in day care or eventually in school, expose them to family as often as possible and plug them in to a playdate network to reinforce relationship-building skills early. If your family can afford to, sign your child up for activities, like music or art classes, and eventually sports teams if they are interested.
Also, know that there is a thriving, growing community of parents globally who are choosing the one-and-done model of parenting (check out online support groups likeoneanddoneparenting on Instagram) and who don’t regret having an only child. Not to dissuade you or anyone else from having more children if that’s what they want, but according to research from Population and Development Review, additional children beyond the first child can have a negative effect on well-being, for mothers specifically.
This is an intimate, life-altering decision that is yours to make with your partner. Keep checking in with yourself and your partner about how you feel about your family size and parenting to see whether you’re still on the same page. In the meantime, give yourselves full permission to enjoy your baby and the many benefits that come with a one-and-done lifestyle.
— One and Done
One and Done: I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. It’s hard enough going through that, let alone having to process and accept the risk factors it presents for growing your family in the future. Especially in the midst of a soaring maternal mortality crisis in this country, how can anyone blame you for wanting to only have one child?
Your only child, by the way, is whole on his own — so are you, whether you choose to have another baby or not. If you and your partner feel fulfilled with your family structure as is, don’t give another thought to other people’s opinions.
After a difficult pregnancy that was taxing on my mental and physical health, my general feeling is that other people don’t get a say in what you choose to do with your body. Period. Yet, I am asked almost daily — online and in real life — about when I will have another baby. So, I empathize with you on the societal pressure to keep popping out kids. In my experience most of the commentary is well-intentioned but I do find it especially confusing when flippant questions come from other mothers who know firsthand the toll it takes to grow a family — from health factors to economic factors, like the well-documented motherhood penalty.
To help intercept the impact of other people’s judgments and questions, come up with canned responses that create boundaries around the topic. Stop yourself from explaining or justifying your decision. I’ve found myself saying things like, “That’s actually not on our agenda at the moment.” When there’s push back or they go into convincing, guilting or shaming, I sometimes respond, “We feel so fulfilled with our family life right now. But I’ll let you know if that changes.” Or when I’m in the mood, I may jokingly add a little quip, “Oh wow, that sounds lovely. So are you also saying that you’re down to carry the baby for me, wake up in the middle of the night to feed them from your body, and pay for their child care? If so, sign me right up!”
Remember that while people’s judgments or expectations may come on strong, they actually have nothing to do with you. They are just projections. You get to own and reclaim your own positive narrative around this. And other people don’t get a say unless you let them.
Despite popularly held beliefs, there is nothing that prevents a child without siblings from becoming a well-adjusted, well-rounded person. What’s important is that your son has community, socialization, and support. As a parent, you can cultivate that early on with intention. To supplement the social stimulation your child may already be getting in day care or eventually in school, expose them to family as often as possible and plug them in to a playdate network to reinforce relationship-building skills early. If your family can afford to, sign your child up for activities, like music or art classes, and eventually sports teams if they are interested.
Also, know that there is a thriving, growing community of parents globally who are choosing the one-and-done model of parenting (check out online support groups like
oneanddoneparenting on Instagram) and who don’t regret having an only child. Not to dissuade you or anyone else from having more children if that’s what they want, but according to research from Population and Development Review, additional children beyond the first child can have a negative effect on well-being, for mothers specifically.This is an intimate, life-altering decision that is yours to make with your partner. Keep checking in with yourself and your partner about how you feel about your family size and parenting to see whether you’re still on the same page. In the meantime, give yourselves full permission to enjoy your baby and the many benefits that come with a one-and-done lifestyle.
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