Grrrr, Dear Amy takes a potshot at open relationships

[ashbet]

Dear Amy: I’m so upset. I’ve been married to my wife for seven years. I have loved our life and thought we were both fulfilled and happy. Lately she’s been a little distant, but I assumed that work or family issues with her big extended family were stressing her out.

Last night she dropped a bombshell. She asked me how I would feel about “opening up our marriage.” I’ve heard about open marriages, of course, but what does this even mean? I was too shocked to say much, and she asked me to “think about it.”

After a sleepless night I wonder how I’m supposed to think about anything else. How am I supposed to respond?

— Devastated Husband

Husband: The trend toward describing some marriages as “open” is supposed to imply that both parties are consenting to having other sexual relationships outside the marriage. When one party asks to open the marriage, they are seeking consent to stray.

Your wife is not granting you freedom or latitude; she wants to take it, and she is giving you a heads up that she has met someone. She has asked you how you feel, and so you should tell her exactly how you are feeling: confused, upset, concerned and possibly angry. Lay it all out there.

I hope you two can have a completely honest talk about your mutual concerns and desires.

Comments

[ashbet]

Amy is immediately jumping to the worst possible motivations and conclusions – the husband in this case absolutely has the opportunity to say no, and his wife bringing up to him that she is interested in renegotiating the terms of their relationship does not mean that she’s doing it unilaterally, or that she is “seeking consent to stray.”

She’s trying to have an honest conversation with her husband, she gave him some time to think, it doesn’t sound like this is something that he wants, but how are you supposed to talk about these things if even bringing up the subject is viewed as a betrayal and a sign of an affair about to happen??

[minoanmiss]

" how are you supposed to talk about these things if even bringing up the subject is viewed as a betrayal and a sign of an affair about to happen?" WORD.

[minoanmiss]

"consent to stray". THAT's a way to put it.

(that said, "relationship not working: add more people" is usually not a good idea.)

[full_metal_ox]

This applies to adding children to a household as well—-how many people have desperately hoped that a squalling little red-faced drool factory still trying to figure out which way digestive traffic should flow will be a magical relationship therapist? And a magical guarantor of eternal commitment and fidelity?

[minoanmiss]

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to refrain from trying to babytrap.

Sent from my iPhone

[conuly]

I mean, it's certainly possible that this is what's going on, but why not take things at face value? And then you can say "No, I'm not comfortable with that at all" or "Okay, sure, let's set some ground rules" and then go from there.

[harpers_child]

I know several people who are polyamorous. Some of them in marriages, some not. Talking honestly with each other is step one.

I disagree with Amy that Wife has met someone. I think Wife is thinking about what her needs (emotional, physical, whatever) are and how best to get those needs met while keeping her current relationship.

[castiron]

Yeah, I don't see how sentence two follows from sentence one. When one party asks to open the marriage, they are asking whether their partner would consent to having other sexual relationships outside the marriage. If Amy thinks marriages should never be open, or should only be open if that's negotiated before the marriage, she should have the guts to say so directly.

Now, in this letter, I can see why Amy might jump to the conclusion she did, given that LW says that his wife has been distant lately. Still, that doesn't mean LW's wife has a potential lover lined up already. It's just as likely that she's realized there's something missing in their marriage and she wants to try to find it in another relationship.

Also, "I thought we were both fulfilled and happy" makes me wonder how long she's been sending "I'm not happy" signals without him noticing. He noticed her being distant (does "lately" mean the past few weeks or the past several months?) but assumed it was work or family issues -- okay, why didn't he ASK?

[azurelunatic]

(Cynically) Or, if he did ask and got an "oh, it's nothing..." ... how many times has she already asked for things to change where none of the changes he made actually lasted?

[kiezh]

"I have loved our life and thought we were both fulfilled and happy."

Translation: I don't actually TALK to her about whether we're both fulfilled and happy; as long as I'm getting what I want, I assume she's fine. If she's "distant" I assume it's nothing to do with me AND that she's still happy and fine.

Last night she dropped a bombshell. She asked me how I would feel about “opening up our marriage.” I’ve heard about open marriages, of course, but what does this even mean?

Maybe it means... that she wants to know your thoughts and feelings re: open marriages, and whether or not you can ever see yourself being in one? Like she explicitly asked?

How am I supposed to respond?

Maybe by... telling her your thoughts and feelings, and not jumping to conclusions about why she's asking? Maybe ask her some questions about her own thoughts and feelings, without jumping to condemn her for them? Maybe treat a conversation as only that, and not The End Of Everything?

Maybe if you show her she can talk to you about what she's thinking about without you throwing a guilt-tripping fit about imagined cheating, you won't find that she's "distant" until she drops a "bombshell" in the future - you'll be with her on the ride, and you'll both be sharing your actual feelings instead of *guessing* about being happy and fulfilled.