Oh, wow, this is terrible advice

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I work in a busy hair salon. I have many loyal customers and while they’re in the chair, we talk a lot and share personal information. I’ve gotten to know some of these clients very well, as they show me photos of their kids and spouses (and sometimes their pets).

Recently I was on an online site where people anonymously post items (with photos) detailing how they are “dating” someone who is cheating on their spouse or partner. While scrolling through for my own weird entertainment, I saw a photo of my client “Julie’s” husband.

I’ve never met him but I know it is him because it is the exact same photo that Julie has shown me – of her husband standing at a horse farm. The posting was quite detailed and I believe it is legit. Now that I’ve seen this, I can’t unsee it. I don’t know what to do. I’m dreading seeing Julie for her next appointment. Should I tell her I’ve seen this? Should I leave it alone because it’s really none of my business? Should I pack up my implements and move to another state?

– Only the Messenger

Dear Messenger: First, you should ask yourself if you would want to know if your partner was cheating on you. I assume you would. Would you want to be told face-to-face (or face-to-mirror) by your hair stylist? I assume you would not.

Find a way to tell “Julie” anonymously. You might be able to do this by taking a screenshot or a photo of the posting (or copying the link) and sending it to her from someone else’s phone, with a message saying something like, “Someone I know asked me to send this to you.”

Link

Comments

[conuly]

Do not give this information anonymously! WTF!

As awkward and embarrassing as it would be to hear it face-to-face from somebody I know, it's gotta be a million times worse to find out anonymously. Then I have no idea who knows or who they're gossiping about it with!

LW, do the right thing. That means being open and honest with this woman.

(Of course, if LW wants to take an intermediate step of informing this woman's husband anonymously that he has X days to tell her before LW does, that's okay. He deserves no courtesy.)

[minoanmiss]

Why do people suggest sending messages anonymously? One it's terrible but two it's often not even possible. "Send it from someone else's phone". WTF. Why get "someone else" involved and why wouldn't they give up LW's identity?

TBH messengers are often shot. So.

[pauraque]

I don't know! It is so bizarre to me that anyone would think this wouldn't just make things worse and/or blow up in your face. It seems based on a fantasy that there is some kind of middle ground between getting involved and not getting involved. There isn't, though!

[castiron]

If I really wanted to tell her and have any plausible deniability, I'd find some way to steer the conversation to weird hobbies and say "yeah, there's this website where people post anonymous pictures of the folks they're cheating with, and I find myself compulsively scanning through it and shaking my head over folks; look at this batch! Oh no, really? That's your husband?"

But given the nature of the site, I'd lean towards staying out of it. The poster is anonymous, and while it's certainly plausible that her husband is cheating, it's also possible that the poster ganked the photo off social media and is writing erotic RPF about a stranger. (Now that I write this, I could see telling her with the framing of "I think someone's stolen your husband's photo and is making up stories about him online" rather than "I think your husband's cheating on you". LW might still meet the fate of messengers, but Julie might react better to someone who said "hey, someone's doing a crappy thing to your husband" than "hey, your husband's cheating on you".)

[michelel72]

I like your approach here. That is, after all, all the LW knows -- the same picture has been used and it creates the *appearance* that the husband is on the site. Whether the appearance matches reality is only speculation.

[melannen]

Yeah, while it's quite likely Husband is cheating, there's a whole range of possibilities from "stolen photo" to "Husband has a stalker" to "Julie and husband are writing collaborative erotic fanfiction."

If you have to tell her, go for the "worried about photo being misused" option, which makes the fewest assumptions.

[cimorene]

This sounds like the setup for a bizarre and convoluted drama that would result in the wife writing to an advice columnist.