Dear Abby: Device-obsessed Husband Takes Tablet Everywhere

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband is obsessed with his personal electronic devices and insists on using one most of the time. He gets angry if I ask him to stop even for a short time. But the worst part is, he routinely takes his tablet into the bathroom with him for extended periods. And no, he does not sanitize the tablet afterward -- or ever, for that matter.

Abby, he reads your column and I'm hoping you might comment on this unsafe and repulsive habit. Please help, because he won't listen to me. -- GROSSED OUT IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Because your husband gets angry when you ask him to put his electronics down, it appears he may have an obsession. Not only is what he's doing rude, but it isn't healthy for your marriage because communication is important between spouses. When he takes his tablet into the bathroom "for a long time," could he be viewing or texting things he wants to keep from you?

As to his hygiene habits, smartphones and tablets can be more unhygienic than toilet seats if they're used for "toilet texting." The user's hands should be washed afterward, and the device should be disinfected, too -- particularly if it will be in contact with the user's face.

Comments

[cereta]

I am going to defer the possible obsession and/or nefarious activities to others, and comment on the hygiene issue.

Seriously, how many generations took newspapers and magazines and books to the loo and lived to tell the tale? Taking the sports page or Sunday comics in for morning ablutions is a time-honored tradition, and I know plenty of people (myself included) who keep reading material near the toilet in case there's a, shall we say, extended incident. As long as you're not touching the thing with *actual* poop on your hands, I don't think you have a major health hazard.

[redbird]

First, I basically agree with you: put the phone/tablet somewhere safe before you wipe yourself, and leave it there until you wash your hands, and you should be fine.

But I think a plausible reason for the greater concern is that people put their phones on or very close to their ears and mouths, and "don't touch your face" is one of the standard bits of advice on not spreading infection. That's specific to phones, though. "A plausible reason" because this hooks into a lot of other concern about "people are spending too much time with electronics," even though what I'm likely to be doing with my phone while on the bus is reading a book or the news, and a paperback book or printed newspaper wouldn't get the same reaction.

[xenacryst]

Yeah, I don't have any particular problem with electronic devices as such in the WC. If you're going to be in there for a while, might as well have something to keep you from being bored. That said, sure, clean things afterwards periodically. Where I do have issues is when people go into the shared bathrooms at work and then plop down for 30 minutes of browsing. Or when they pee and talk and flush at the same time. But that's not about the device, that's about being considerate to your fellow biological beings.

The other side of the question - yeah, he has a problem with device obsession. The big clue there is that he gets testy when asked to cut back. He probably isn't trying to keep things from the LW, he just hasn't reached the end of the Internet yet (I mean, maybe he is, but we've had minor obsession problems around here, too, and it's purely that there's so much out there and it's so easy to hop from one to the next). But he has to recognize that and want to spend time in meat space if he's going to change, and using the angle of device dirtiness is not going to do it.

[jadelennox]

I'm not convinced. It's entirely possible that the LW says "oh my god, Husband, don't take your tablet into the bathroom, that is absolutely disgusting," or "I can't believe you spend all day on that thing instead of watching the news with me. It will rot your brain!" Or any of the other endless series of anti-device baloney I've heard from people. It's also possible that the LW calmly says, "hey, would you mind cleaning the tablet between taking it into the toilet and putting it on the kitchen table?" and he bursts out in rage. I feel like there's not enough information in the letter to tell. I have encountered all of these types of people frequently, both the sensible and the non.

[xenacryst]

True, that. I'm more used to the mild obsession that cuts into the together time of meat space than the irrational anti-device stance, so that's what I assumed. But you're right that there's no good indication which direction this scenario swings.

[liv]

I'd be inclined to approach this a different way, I think. There are two problems here, the lack of attention and the disgust. I don't think the husband is "obsessed" with the tablet, I think like most of us he enjoys the content and possibly social connections that happen to be delivered via the medium of the tablet. And he probably needs some way to retreat from direct social interaction, which is a perfectly reasonable human need.

I would advise Grossed Out to negotiate with her husband about setting aside time when he's explicitly allowed, expected to read in peace. Whether that's a tablet or a book is of minor importance. If she promised him an hour in the evening when she wouldn't insist on his attention while he's trying to chill out and regroup, in return she could ask him to spend focused time when he's actually talking to her and listening to her and interacting with his full attention, not trying to read the internet at the same time. It's not fair in a relationship to have to do without positive attention from your partner, but it's also not fair to have to provide that attention at every minute of every day without a break.

If that situation became more balanced, I think GO could reasonably ask husband not to take the tablet into the bathroom. Her disgust is a valid thing, regardless of whether it's actually a serious infection risk. If he's hiding in the bathroom because that's the only way he gets a break, well, giving him a break when he can relax and not socialize but still enjoy the living areas of the house would fix that. And if he's spending a long time in the bathroom because his plumbing isn't working too well and he physically has to, he could take something to read on paper that doesn't contact mouths and faces.

[jadelennox]

I think there is even more wiggle room here. It's not reasonable for LW to insist "you can't take your private device into the bathroom with you." It is, however, reasonable for LW to say, "if you take something into the bathroom with you, whether it is a device or a book, and then take it out of the bathroom, I would like you to wipe it off with some sanitizer before you remove it from the bathroom into our living space. Here, I have purchased some sanitizing wipes. Do you think this corner of the sink is a sensible place to leave them in the bathroom?"

I agree with you about the question of tablet/book being of minor importance. Adults should have a reasonable amount of time when they are allowed to chill on their own. Adults should also have a reasonable amount of time when they can expect some social interaction from their partners. That definition of "reasonable" depends on their shared family responsibilities (e.g. children, tenants), and needs to vary when Life Happens (eg. visitors, plumbing disasters).