Dear Abby: Device-obsessed Husband Takes Tablet Everywhere

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband is obsessed with his personal electronic devices and insists on using one most of the time. He gets angry if I ask him to stop even for a short time. But the worst part is, he routinely takes his tablet into the bathroom with him for extended periods. And no, he does not sanitize the tablet afterward -- or ever, for that matter.

Abby, he reads your column and I'm hoping you might comment on this unsafe and repulsive habit. Please help, because he won't listen to me. -- GROSSED OUT IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Because your husband gets angry when you ask him to put his electronics down, it appears he may have an obsession. Not only is what he's doing rude, but it isn't healthy for your marriage because communication is important between spouses. When he takes his tablet into the bathroom "for a long time," could he be viewing or texting things he wants to keep from you?

As to his hygiene habits, smartphones and tablets can be more unhygienic than toilet seats if they're used for "toilet texting." The user's hands should be washed afterward, and the device should be disinfected, too -- particularly if it will be in contact with the user's face.

Comments

[cereta]

I am going to defer the possible obsession and/or nefarious activities to others, and comment on the hygiene issue.

Seriously, how many generations took newspapers and magazines and books to the loo and lived to tell the tale? Taking the sports page or Sunday comics in for morning ablutions is a time-honored tradition, and I know plenty of people (myself included) who keep reading material near the toilet in case there's a, shall we say, extended incident. As long as you're not touching the thing with *actual* poop on your hands, I don't think you have a major health hazard.

[liv]

I'd be inclined to approach this a different way, I think. There are two problems here, the lack of attention and the disgust. I don't think the husband is "obsessed" with the tablet, I think like most of us he enjoys the content and possibly social connections that happen to be delivered via the medium of the tablet. And he probably needs some way to retreat from direct social interaction, which is a perfectly reasonable human need.

I would advise Grossed Out to negotiate with her husband about setting aside time when he's explicitly allowed, expected to read in peace. Whether that's a tablet or a book is of minor importance. If she promised him an hour in the evening when she wouldn't insist on his attention while he's trying to chill out and regroup, in return she could ask him to spend focused time when he's actually talking to her and listening to her and interacting with his full attention, not trying to read the internet at the same time. It's not fair in a relationship to have to do without positive attention from your partner, but it's also not fair to have to provide that attention at every minute of every day without a break.

If that situation became more balanced, I think GO could reasonably ask husband not to take the tablet into the bathroom. Her disgust is a valid thing, regardless of whether it's actually a serious infection risk. If he's hiding in the bathroom because that's the only way he gets a break, well, giving him a break when he can relax and not socialize but still enjoy the living areas of the house would fix that. And if he's spending a long time in the bathroom because his plumbing isn't working too well and he physically has to, he could take something to read on paper that doesn't contact mouths and faces.