...huh?

[ysobel]

Dear Miss Manners: My son is getting married next year to a lovely person with whom I have a good relationship. They are currently perusing venues, although they are unsure how many guests they will invite. Would it be poor manners to send them a possible guest list for my son’s side, with tiers of importance — such as aunts/uncles, then cousins, and so on — so they can see what they’re in for if they move to the next tier?

My husband says they should just invite whom they feel closest to, but I see a problem with that — for example, if they choose three cousins but not all five. My heart tells me it is their wedding and they can do what they want, but I’m not sure I can deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for the next 20 years if they decide to be choosy.


To whom did your husband offer his advice? If it was only meant for you — as a way of saying that the time for parental advice has passed — Miss Manners must disagree with him.

If it was meant for your son, then we instead disagree on what constitutes good parental advice. Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously. As to ranking the relatives, this is best done verbally; if such a list were to be written down and inadvertently forwarded, 20 years would be a light sentence for the resulting storm.

Comments

[cimorene]

But what I thought was so weird was the LW thinking he might invite only some of the first cousins and needed to be told that might start a feud. I guess...? But like if someone is so disconnected from their family, or from how hurt feelings work, that they won't be able to think of that, surely they must be neuroatypical in some way and at least less likely to notice or mind the ensuing grudge.

[melannen]

I think it depends on how good communication in the family is (and how large it is) in general. My mother is hooked in to the family gossip much, much more than I am; I know who nearly all the first cousins are and have reasonably good relationships with most of them where we speak at least a couple times a year, but I live several states away from the town where everybody else still is and could not tell you what relationships they all have to each other, and whether Aunt L would be super offended if I invited Uncle J's ex-stepkids but not Cousin K's whole family, or whether inviting Cousin R means that his sister definitely won't come. Or whatever. I might or might not ever directly be effected by the ensuing grudges and griping, living several states away, but I would still rather not cause more than I have to!

Basically if I was planning a wedding I absolutely would ask my mom who she thinks I would be expected to invite at any given wedding size, early in the planning, and also how many of them would expect an invite but definitely not come (and tbh she would probably have to ask her sister for help) and I'd be glad for the offer.