agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: I was married to a wonderful woman for 30 years. We raised five children together and had our ups and downs, but overall I felt that we had a solid marriage.

After our youngest left the nest my wife, almost immediately, became a different person. I know she had a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. She befriended single women and started going out frequently. She lost interest in saving the marriage. This went on for four or five years, and then she decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore and got her own apartment, but we stayed friendly. I tried to make the transition as smooth as possible, but I’ll admit that I had an ulterior motive to reconcile.

During the eight years since, we’ve halfheartedly attempted numerous reconciliations, but it has never worked out. There has never been any abuse or infidelity. I’ve always felt we got along way too well to give up. The past few years she has been living with her elderly mother. We are in touch multiple times daily and spend time together. She continually says that when she is no longer required to aid her mother that we will spend more time working on reconciliation. That has all been fine with me.

Recently I ran into a friend, and she told me that she saw my ex at a social club with an elderly gentleman, which naturally got my attention. She said that they were clearly on a date and that my ex “was really dressed up and looked great.” My question for you is, is it time to give up? I’ve been avoiding her these past few days and I’m struggling with how to approach this.

— Dazed and Confused

Dazed: At this point, you and your ex-wife have been living apart for many years. My take on her behavior after the youngest moved out is that she was experiencing less “empty nest syndrome” (depression and searching for new ways to feel useful and worthy) and more a sense of liberation on her part. If she was a stay-at-home mother, she may have wanted to start this next phase of her life without the pressure of repairing a marriage she might have been holding together mainly “for the sake of the kids.” I think it’s now time for you to ponder building a quality life for yourself without reconciliation being at the center.

You and your ex are now friends. She is meeting and dating others, and if you want loving companionship at this stage of your life, you should try this, too. So, in short, yes, I do believe it is time for you to give up on this marriage in order to give yourself a fresh start.

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There is a whole *genre* of reddit posts along the lines of "we had a fight but ever since then everything's been perfect ... then suddenly with no warning she's just gone!" Like this one from two days ago:

We've been together for 11 years, we had our problems but we always worked it out. Some months ago we had a huge fight about me never wanting to have intimacy and I ended up yelling to her that she was boring, not attractive and I didn't want to be with her. We had other fights about stuff she wasn't able to let go, but she went to sleep with me. We talked the next day and she was fine, she stopped fighting with me about stupid stuff and we were awesome, I've never been so happy with my relationship, she kept working and cleaning the house, and I thought she finally understood that I needed time alone, so she started letting me play my videogames without complaining and going out more with friends or to classes without me.I really thought we were doing better.

But yesterday I came home to find it empty of her stuff, she took everything, even her car and left me a note saying she was over me, that I could keep the money I owed her as a payment for she wasting my life and time, and that she's going to her mom's.

Idk what to do, I'm planning on going to see her and talk, so she can get back home with me. I need advice, what can I tell her?

It's amazing how much "giving up and quietly making exit plans" looks on the surface like the no-friction ideal relationship these oblivious walnuts think they want.