conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2024-01-18 10:27 am

(no subject)

Dear Amy: I was married to a wonderful woman for 30 years. We raised five children together and had our ups and downs, but overall I felt that we had a solid marriage.

After our youngest left the nest my wife, almost immediately, became a different person. I know she had a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. She befriended single women and started going out frequently. She lost interest in saving the marriage. This went on for four or five years, and then she decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore and got her own apartment, but we stayed friendly. I tried to make the transition as smooth as possible, but I’ll admit that I had an ulterior motive to reconcile.

During the eight years since, we’ve halfheartedly attempted numerous reconciliations, but it has never worked out. There has never been any abuse or infidelity. I’ve always felt we got along way too well to give up. The past few years she has been living with her elderly mother. We are in touch multiple times daily and spend time together. She continually says that when she is no longer required to aid her mother that we will spend more time working on reconciliation. That has all been fine with me.

Recently I ran into a friend, and she told me that she saw my ex at a social club with an elderly gentleman, which naturally got my attention. She said that they were clearly on a date and that my ex “was really dressed up and looked great.” My question for you is, is it time to give up? I’ve been avoiding her these past few days and I’m struggling with how to approach this.

— Dazed and Confused


Dazed: At this point, you and your ex-wife have been living apart for many years. My take on her behavior after the youngest moved out is that she was experiencing less “empty nest syndrome” (depression and searching for new ways to feel useful and worthy) and more a sense of liberation on her part. If she was a stay-at-home mother, she may have wanted to start this next phase of her life without the pressure of repairing a marriage she might have been holding together mainly “for the sake of the kids.” I think it’s now time for you to ponder building a quality life for yourself without reconciliation being at the center.

You and your ex are now friends. She is meeting and dating others, and if you want loving companionship at this stage of your life, you should try this, too. So, in short, yes, I do believe it is time for you to give up on this marriage in order to give yourself a fresh start.

Link
full_metal_ox: A gold Chinese Metal Ox zodiac charm. (Default)

[personal profile] full_metal_ox 2024-01-18 09:42 pm (UTC)(link)
Dolly Parton’s $0.02, by way of Emmylou Harris:

Mama never seemed to miss the finer things in life
If she did, she never did say so to daddy
She never wanted to be more than mother and a wife
If she did, she never did say so to daddy

The only thing that seemed to be important in her life
Was to make our house a home and make us happy
Mama never wanted any more than what she had
If she did, she never did say so to daddy

He often left her all alone, cheated ma' into staying home
If she did, she never did say so to daddy
And she never missed the flowers and the cards
He never sent her, if she did, she never did say so to daddy

Being took for granted was a thing that she accepted
And she didn't need those things to make her happy
And she didn't seem to notice that he didn't kiss and hold her
If she did, she never did say so to daddy

One morning we awoke
Just to find a note mama carefully wrote and left for daddy
And as he began to read it, our ears could not believe it
Words she had written there to daddy

She said, "The kids were older now, they don't need me anymore
I've gone to search for love I need so badly
I needed you so long, but I just can't keep holding on"
She never meant to come back home, if she did, she never did say so to daddy

Goodbye to daddy
feldman: (gunshy)

[personal profile] feldman 2024-01-18 11:47 pm (UTC)(link)
Dolly Parton is such a profoundly powerful (murder-)balladeer and Emmylou brings it on home.
mildred_of_midgard: (Default)

[personal profile] mildred_of_midgard 2024-01-19 02:59 am (UTC)(link)
Okay, maybe you or someone else can help me with this: there's a very similar song, and I can't remember the name or artist, and it's been driving me crazy.

It's basically about 50% and how what a man thinks an equal partnership involves massive sacrifices on the woman's part. There's something about "isn't it sad that all our mothers had to give up their dreams" "not mine!" "yes yours" and it ends with the singer listing all the sacrifices she *won't* make and saying sth along the lines of, "Sorry, I'm not a good enough person to be a woman; I only know how to be a man," i.e., it's going to be *actually* 50-50.

Anyone know this song?
mildred_of_midgard: (Default)

[personal profile] mildred_of_midgard 2024-01-19 01:27 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you!
haggis: (Default)

[personal profile] haggis 2024-01-19 08:38 am (UTC)(link)
Garfunkel and Oates, 50/50?

I definitely like this bit
"Can we stop pretending
That it isn’t kind of sad
That your mom never pursued anything
With the same intensity as your dad"
mildred_of_midgard: (Default)

[personal profile] mildred_of_midgard 2024-01-19 01:29 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you!
taimatsu: (Default)

[personal profile] taimatsu 2024-01-22 11:48 pm (UTC)(link)
In this genre I’d like to recommend “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her” sung by Mary Chapin Carpenter (Wikipedia page), and “Whatever You Want” by Vienna Teng (lyrics, video with the song as presented in her album).
mildred_of_midgard: (Default)

[personal profile] mildred_of_midgard 2024-01-23 12:24 am (UTC)(link)
The first one has been one of my favorites for decades! The second one I will have to check out.
taimatsu: (Default)

[personal profile] taimatsu 2024-01-23 12:46 am (UTC)(link)
Thank you! I was trying to type “casual html” on a phone keyboard while copying links from other tabs and… did it all very badly!
Edited 2024-01-23 00:47 (UTC)