![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
All these people need to break up with all these other people
1. Dear Annie: For six years, I've been with a man -- let's call him "Ben." We have one child together and one on the way. I'm frustrated because I do all of the housework even though we're both employed. We divided up expenses. He pays for the house payment and the babysitter when we need one, and I pay for all of the utilities and groceries. I also do most of the childcare tasks.
I don't feel like I should have to ask for him to get off his butt and help; I feel like he should naturally want to help and just do it. I've noticed that when we are around his family, he jumps to help them with anything in a split second. He seems like he would just rather be lazy when it comes to our own home life, expecting me to do all the domestic work.
I'd try talking to him about this, but he's not a talk-about-your-feelings type of guy, more of a sort-your-own-laundry type of guy. In the past, anytime I've brought up anything remotely uncomfortable, he seems to register it as a threat and says something negative directed towards me and not at all helpful to resolving the issue. Advice? -- Unheard Girlfriend
Dear Unheard: I empathize with your hesitation, but to give up on honest communication is to give up on the relationship. When you don't feel you can express yourself, resentments will continue to pile up, like so many unwashed dishes.
Try finding a time when you're both relaxed, and casually ask if he'll help you make a list of priorities around the house. This will help you both better understand which tasks the other feels are important, and it will give you the chance to talk it out and compromise in areas where your views differ. Approaching it with a spirit of collaboration is different that exhaustion or resentment. Hopefully, he won't go into defensive mode. If he still shuts down, then you might ask him about attending couples' counseling together. Addressing the underlying communication issues would help with the housework issue as well as all other aspects of your relationship.
Link
****
2. DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years. We rushed into marriage, unfortunately, before getting to know each other very well. Whenever we have a disagreement, he gives me the silent treatment for days. Sometimes, it lasts weeks.
He won't eat anything I cook or help around the house. If I'm in one room, he will lock himself up in another one. He sleeps on the couch or on a pull-out mattress. Eventually, he will end it by returning to our bed and trying to initiate intimacy. I usually accept, but the issue never gets resolved or discussed -- we just carry on. When I've tried discussing the issues, he says, "Don't start!"
I'm fed up with his childish behavior. We have a 7-month-old baby and children from my previous marriage, so it has become increasingly difficult for me to leave him. He's not the type to go to therapy. He will admit we have communication issues, but that's the extent of it. I've reached the point that I no longer care about our marriage, and if I had the means, I'd happily leave. Please help. -- SILENT TREATMENT IN THE NORTHEAST
DEAR SILENT TREATMENT: Because your husband doesn't want to go to therapy does not mean you shouldn't. When you tell him that you plan to schedule some sessions, expect him to find a dozen reasons why you "don't need it" or to go into another silent phase. Therapy for you would be illuminating and could help you decide how much longer you want to tolerate an increasingly intolerable living situation.
Link
****
3. Dear Prudence,
My fiancé has always been close to his sister, “Becky.” They text each other daily and frequently talk on the phone. They’re twins, and I thought I understood their bond. However, we went to his family’s house for Thanksgiving, and I met Becky for the first time—she’s been working abroad for the past two years and only moved back to the U.S. last month—and to be honest, I was a little freaked out about their closeness. Becky and my fiancé finish each other’s sentences, giggle at their private jokes, and are often physically affectionate. Hugging, kissing on the cheek, holding hands. At one point, Becky even sat on my fiancé’s lap and pretended he was “Santa.” Apparently, it’s an old joke of theirs. I have two brothers, but I’ve never behaved like that with them.
On the drive back from his family’s house, I told my boyfriend that I found the way he interacts with Becky “icky.” He blew up and accused me of having a dirty mind. I apologized, feeling that I overreacted. However, now that we’re back home, I keep thinking about Becky and I do think it’s icky. Should I talk to my fiancé about the ick factor again? I don’t know if I can stand to see Becky sitting on my fiancé’s lap giggling and baby talking at future family functions. It’s too disturbing. I’ve even thought about proposing a tropical vacation instead of the next visit so we can be away from his family. This is the perfect man if he didn’t have that weird dynamic with his sister!
—Too Close for Comfort
Dear Too Close,
I understand that calling off an engagement is a big deal, and I would never recommend it lightly. But “I think my fiancé has an incestuous or at least incestuous-adjacent relationship with his sister” is one of those things that should inspire you to chalk up the florist and catering deposits as a loss and tell your friends and family your plans have unfortunately changed. Because that really is what you’re getting at here, right? It’s not just that you don’t want to see his sister sitting on his lap, it’s that you think whatever they have going on is deeply inappropriate.
For what it’s worth, I don’t know that it actually is! I don’t personally see anything sexual about what they’re doing. Some families are cuddlier than others. Twins tend to be especially close. And there’s no secrecy or shame on their part, which makes me think it’s all pretty normal to them and simply not what you’re used to.
But it doesn’t matter what I think. You think it’s so gross that you’ve picked a fight with the man you’re going to marry and are prepared to flee the country. Are you going to do this for every holiday? Do you think your relationship will survive you sharing your disgust after each family gathering? Aren’t you going to get tired of the “dirty mind” accusations?
His “weird dynamic” with twin is part of his life. It’s up to you to decide whether you can live with the resulting dynamic between the two of you (which will probably end up being worse than just weird!) as part of your marriage. I don’t think you can.
Link
****
4. Dear Amy: Ever since the #metoo era my husband does not initiate sex. We've talked about this. He says that doing so could be construed as sexual harassment. He doesn't talk about sex or make innuendos. He no longer tells jokes -- he says it is because they could be of a sexual nature and that he doesn't want to be demeaning to women.
When I do want sex, he is quite accommodating, though I have to explicitly tell him what I like, but he never tells me what he likes because, he says, if he says something it may be taken the wrong way. He no longer compliments me (or any other man or woman) on how I (or they) look or dress, which used to be quite forthcoming. He says that he doesn't want to be judgmental.
Other than that, we have a good relationship. He drinks only an occasional beer, and we have great discussions about what's going on in the world, (except for things that concern sex, such as any LGBTQ issues or fashion). If he does complain, it's about something he could have done better. He's in great shape and easy on the eyes. But I miss the easy, loving, uninhibited sex life that we used to share. My husband says he's sorry that he can't be a part of that because times have changed and that his previous behavior is not acceptable for a man anymore. Any suggestions?
– Sad Wife
Dear Sad Wife: I must admit to being a bit baffled by your question.
There are aspects to your account that make your husband’s behavior toward you seem deliberately hostile, punitive, and extremely passive-aggressive. Or – he is someone who has sincerely misunderstood the lessons of the #metoo movement and is so afraid of being “punished” that he has decided to completely shut off a side of his own personality, and take your intimate relationship with it.
My own instinct is with the former. Your husband seems to be engaging in a sort of guerilla “backlash” against the #metoo movement, which was never about loving consensual relationships between spouses, telling jokes, or discussing fashion or LGBTQ issues. If my instinct is correct (and I could be wrong!), he is craftily inflating and co-opting #metoo standards to cover his actual motivation, which is to punish you – and perhaps women in general.
You might ask him if he has engaged in any online or in-person groups that have influenced his perspective and behavior. Alternatively, because your husband seems to be so anxious about possibly offending you (or others) – presumably without a history of having done so – it would be a great idea for you two to sit down with a marriage counselor (he might prefer talking to a male) to address his anxiety. The goal should be for him to regain a sense of comfort regarding his own right to be himself.
Link
****
5. Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. He has been totally estranged from his mother the whole time I’ve known him. I’ve never met her. Well, his mother started messaging with me on Facebook and she really wants to get back into his life. She wants to apologize for the mistakes she has made. I invited her over to our house without telling my boyfriend. He blew up when he saw her and now says that he wants to break up with me. I was just trying to help mend his relationship with his mom! What can I do to get him to come back?
– Devastated
Dear Devastated: What you did shows a serious lack of respect for your guy, and for the boundary he has set with his mother. Even though you say you meant well, doing all of this behind his back was devious – of both of you. In my far-off view, it seems that you got “played” by his mother. If she wanted to apologize to him, she could have written him a letter. And now – you owe him an apology, as well as a promise to respect his boundaries with family members. An apology might not get him to come back to you, but you owe it to him, anyway.
Link
****
6. Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my mid-20’s and I’ve been with my boyfriend since high school. I fell in love with him in ninth grade and (honestly) pursued him for a couple of years until I let him catch me (ha ha).
I’ve always been quite large and overweight, and my weight is a huge issue for him. He only showed an interest in dating me after I had lost a considerable amount of weight in high school. I’ve mainly kept this weight off, but it has been a struggle. I’m down to a size 8.
We are talking about marriage, but he says he will only propose to me if I lose a little more weight. Several of my female family members are overweight, and he says that if I wind up looking like them, he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship. We are super-compatible in every other way. I guess I need a gut check (ha ha) about my relationship. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.
– Wondering Woman
Dear Wondering: It is a lifelong struggle to tackle an eating disorder. In this case, I’d say that your guy is the one with the disorder. His obsession with weight doesn’t leave a lot of room for a person’s humanity and vulnerability to emerge. I’d suggest that he could use professional help to cope with his obsession.
And now my advice to you: Lace up your sneakers and run. Think of all the calories you will expend as you jog away from this controlling jerk. I assume that your friends and family members have expressed concern about this relationship. Listen to them, and to me. Liberation is around the corner.
Link
****
7. Dear Carolyn: I have been dating a woman long enough that we’ve talked about marriage. I get along well with her family, who live near us. She has never met my family, who do not live near us, and recently I gave her the whole story, that I see them only occasionally and in small doses because of the way they have treated me over the course of my life.
My girlfriend listened to my explanation and said: “You sound like a bratty teenager complaining about your parents. I’m sure they did their best.” I was floored. I feel like her response shows a fundamental lack of empathy for the fact that I wasn’t blessed with a loving family like she was, and it is making me rethink our relationship.
She has apologized for the way she phrased what she said, but I am really wondering if it’s possible for me to have a future with a person who shows such a lack of understanding about something so fundamental to who I am. Do you see a way forward here?
I see nothing but ways forward. Most of them just don’t include her.
The way forward with her also starts with her, in some version of this epiphany: “The problem wasn’t just in how I phrased it. I looked at your life through the lens of my own, instead of listening to you and trying to understand the situation from your perspective. That was a big and self-centered mistake, and you deserved more from me.”
There’s also a way forward where she sticks to her original assessment and owns it — by breaking up with you. Because if she genuinely has so little respect for your version of your own origin story, then a breakup is the only appropriate next step.
That still fits the definition of “forward” for you because it frees you up to meet someone who understands you better, trusts you more or both.
Or, if you feel uncomfortable truth in her interpretation, then it kicks you toward the hard, productive work of reevaluating your bedrock assumptions about yourself and your upbringing.
Another way forward is for you to use this experience to reflect on what you missed about your girlfriend and why. Values and worldviews don’t apply solely to family; they express themselves constantly through our behaviors. When you’ve been dating someone as long and as seriously as you say you’ve been dating your girlfriend, the only way a disconnect of this magnitude becomes a jump-scare is if you’ve ignored or failed to notice signs of it along the way.
Knowing what you know now, look back at your relationship for any breadcrumbs leading you here. Did you ignore them? Rationalize them as something else, or wish them away? Did you withhold truths about your history because you suspected she’d react this way?
It’s not uncommon to give our outer-facing selves some nipping and tucking, or to put a positive spin on our partners, when we’re really invested in making a relationship work. It’s a totally normal impulse that can be totally self-defeating, prolonging relationships with the wrong people for us.
Transparency is healthy. It allows two true selves to figure out whether they work.
But it’s hard. It takes being willing to break up because you have to, not because you want to. It takes a willingness not only to consider that your partner isn’t as great for you as you’d hoped, but also to open your true self to scrutiny and possible rejection.
Your girlfriend’s response was so problematic in part because you didn’t talk honestly about your family until you’d been together long enough to be talking marriage.
And that part is on you, for withholding the “whole story” from someone so important to you.
This reluctance to trust may stem, understandably, from your experience with a hurtful family. If so, that points to another way forward: to reckon with whatever pain you still carry, in therapy if needed, so it stops getting in your way.
Link
I don't feel like I should have to ask for him to get off his butt and help; I feel like he should naturally want to help and just do it. I've noticed that when we are around his family, he jumps to help them with anything in a split second. He seems like he would just rather be lazy when it comes to our own home life, expecting me to do all the domestic work.
I'd try talking to him about this, but he's not a talk-about-your-feelings type of guy, more of a sort-your-own-laundry type of guy. In the past, anytime I've brought up anything remotely uncomfortable, he seems to register it as a threat and says something negative directed towards me and not at all helpful to resolving the issue. Advice? -- Unheard Girlfriend
Dear Unheard: I empathize with your hesitation, but to give up on honest communication is to give up on the relationship. When you don't feel you can express yourself, resentments will continue to pile up, like so many unwashed dishes.
Try finding a time when you're both relaxed, and casually ask if he'll help you make a list of priorities around the house. This will help you both better understand which tasks the other feels are important, and it will give you the chance to talk it out and compromise in areas where your views differ. Approaching it with a spirit of collaboration is different that exhaustion or resentment. Hopefully, he won't go into defensive mode. If he still shuts down, then you might ask him about attending couples' counseling together. Addressing the underlying communication issues would help with the housework issue as well as all other aspects of your relationship.
Link
2. DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years. We rushed into marriage, unfortunately, before getting to know each other very well. Whenever we have a disagreement, he gives me the silent treatment for days. Sometimes, it lasts weeks.
He won't eat anything I cook or help around the house. If I'm in one room, he will lock himself up in another one. He sleeps on the couch or on a pull-out mattress. Eventually, he will end it by returning to our bed and trying to initiate intimacy. I usually accept, but the issue never gets resolved or discussed -- we just carry on. When I've tried discussing the issues, he says, "Don't start!"
I'm fed up with his childish behavior. We have a 7-month-old baby and children from my previous marriage, so it has become increasingly difficult for me to leave him. He's not the type to go to therapy. He will admit we have communication issues, but that's the extent of it. I've reached the point that I no longer care about our marriage, and if I had the means, I'd happily leave. Please help. -- SILENT TREATMENT IN THE NORTHEAST
DEAR SILENT TREATMENT: Because your husband doesn't want to go to therapy does not mean you shouldn't. When you tell him that you plan to schedule some sessions, expect him to find a dozen reasons why you "don't need it" or to go into another silent phase. Therapy for you would be illuminating and could help you decide how much longer you want to tolerate an increasingly intolerable living situation.
Link
3. Dear Prudence,
My fiancé has always been close to his sister, “Becky.” They text each other daily and frequently talk on the phone. They’re twins, and I thought I understood their bond. However, we went to his family’s house for Thanksgiving, and I met Becky for the first time—she’s been working abroad for the past two years and only moved back to the U.S. last month—and to be honest, I was a little freaked out about their closeness. Becky and my fiancé finish each other’s sentences, giggle at their private jokes, and are often physically affectionate. Hugging, kissing on the cheek, holding hands. At one point, Becky even sat on my fiancé’s lap and pretended he was “Santa.” Apparently, it’s an old joke of theirs. I have two brothers, but I’ve never behaved like that with them.
On the drive back from his family’s house, I told my boyfriend that I found the way he interacts with Becky “icky.” He blew up and accused me of having a dirty mind. I apologized, feeling that I overreacted. However, now that we’re back home, I keep thinking about Becky and I do think it’s icky. Should I talk to my fiancé about the ick factor again? I don’t know if I can stand to see Becky sitting on my fiancé’s lap giggling and baby talking at future family functions. It’s too disturbing. I’ve even thought about proposing a tropical vacation instead of the next visit so we can be away from his family. This is the perfect man if he didn’t have that weird dynamic with his sister!
—Too Close for Comfort
Dear Too Close,
I understand that calling off an engagement is a big deal, and I would never recommend it lightly. But “I think my fiancé has an incestuous or at least incestuous-adjacent relationship with his sister” is one of those things that should inspire you to chalk up the florist and catering deposits as a loss and tell your friends and family your plans have unfortunately changed. Because that really is what you’re getting at here, right? It’s not just that you don’t want to see his sister sitting on his lap, it’s that you think whatever they have going on is deeply inappropriate.
For what it’s worth, I don’t know that it actually is! I don’t personally see anything sexual about what they’re doing. Some families are cuddlier than others. Twins tend to be especially close. And there’s no secrecy or shame on their part, which makes me think it’s all pretty normal to them and simply not what you’re used to.
But it doesn’t matter what I think. You think it’s so gross that you’ve picked a fight with the man you’re going to marry and are prepared to flee the country. Are you going to do this for every holiday? Do you think your relationship will survive you sharing your disgust after each family gathering? Aren’t you going to get tired of the “dirty mind” accusations?
His “weird dynamic” with twin is part of his life. It’s up to you to decide whether you can live with the resulting dynamic between the two of you (which will probably end up being worse than just weird!) as part of your marriage. I don’t think you can.
Link
4. Dear Amy: Ever since the #metoo era my husband does not initiate sex. We've talked about this. He says that doing so could be construed as sexual harassment. He doesn't talk about sex or make innuendos. He no longer tells jokes -- he says it is because they could be of a sexual nature and that he doesn't want to be demeaning to women.
When I do want sex, he is quite accommodating, though I have to explicitly tell him what I like, but he never tells me what he likes because, he says, if he says something it may be taken the wrong way. He no longer compliments me (or any other man or woman) on how I (or they) look or dress, which used to be quite forthcoming. He says that he doesn't want to be judgmental.
Other than that, we have a good relationship. He drinks only an occasional beer, and we have great discussions about what's going on in the world, (except for things that concern sex, such as any LGBTQ issues or fashion). If he does complain, it's about something he could have done better. He's in great shape and easy on the eyes. But I miss the easy, loving, uninhibited sex life that we used to share. My husband says he's sorry that he can't be a part of that because times have changed and that his previous behavior is not acceptable for a man anymore. Any suggestions?
– Sad Wife
Dear Sad Wife: I must admit to being a bit baffled by your question.
There are aspects to your account that make your husband’s behavior toward you seem deliberately hostile, punitive, and extremely passive-aggressive. Or – he is someone who has sincerely misunderstood the lessons of the #metoo movement and is so afraid of being “punished” that he has decided to completely shut off a side of his own personality, and take your intimate relationship with it.
My own instinct is with the former. Your husband seems to be engaging in a sort of guerilla “backlash” against the #metoo movement, which was never about loving consensual relationships between spouses, telling jokes, or discussing fashion or LGBTQ issues. If my instinct is correct (and I could be wrong!), he is craftily inflating and co-opting #metoo standards to cover his actual motivation, which is to punish you – and perhaps women in general.
You might ask him if he has engaged in any online or in-person groups that have influenced his perspective and behavior. Alternatively, because your husband seems to be so anxious about possibly offending you (or others) – presumably without a history of having done so – it would be a great idea for you two to sit down with a marriage counselor (he might prefer talking to a male) to address his anxiety. The goal should be for him to regain a sense of comfort regarding his own right to be himself.
Link
5. Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. He has been totally estranged from his mother the whole time I’ve known him. I’ve never met her. Well, his mother started messaging with me on Facebook and she really wants to get back into his life. She wants to apologize for the mistakes she has made. I invited her over to our house without telling my boyfriend. He blew up when he saw her and now says that he wants to break up with me. I was just trying to help mend his relationship with his mom! What can I do to get him to come back?
– Devastated
Dear Devastated: What you did shows a serious lack of respect for your guy, and for the boundary he has set with his mother. Even though you say you meant well, doing all of this behind his back was devious – of both of you. In my far-off view, it seems that you got “played” by his mother. If she wanted to apologize to him, she could have written him a letter. And now – you owe him an apology, as well as a promise to respect his boundaries with family members. An apology might not get him to come back to you, but you owe it to him, anyway.
Link
6. Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my mid-20’s and I’ve been with my boyfriend since high school. I fell in love with him in ninth grade and (honestly) pursued him for a couple of years until I let him catch me (ha ha).
I’ve always been quite large and overweight, and my weight is a huge issue for him. He only showed an interest in dating me after I had lost a considerable amount of weight in high school. I’ve mainly kept this weight off, but it has been a struggle. I’m down to a size 8.
We are talking about marriage, but he says he will only propose to me if I lose a little more weight. Several of my female family members are overweight, and he says that if I wind up looking like them, he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship. We are super-compatible in every other way. I guess I need a gut check (ha ha) about my relationship. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.
– Wondering Woman
Dear Wondering: It is a lifelong struggle to tackle an eating disorder. In this case, I’d say that your guy is the one with the disorder. His obsession with weight doesn’t leave a lot of room for a person’s humanity and vulnerability to emerge. I’d suggest that he could use professional help to cope with his obsession.
And now my advice to you: Lace up your sneakers and run. Think of all the calories you will expend as you jog away from this controlling jerk. I assume that your friends and family members have expressed concern about this relationship. Listen to them, and to me. Liberation is around the corner.
Link
7. Dear Carolyn: I have been dating a woman long enough that we’ve talked about marriage. I get along well with her family, who live near us. She has never met my family, who do not live near us, and recently I gave her the whole story, that I see them only occasionally and in small doses because of the way they have treated me over the course of my life.
My girlfriend listened to my explanation and said: “You sound like a bratty teenager complaining about your parents. I’m sure they did their best.” I was floored. I feel like her response shows a fundamental lack of empathy for the fact that I wasn’t blessed with a loving family like she was, and it is making me rethink our relationship.
She has apologized for the way she phrased what she said, but I am really wondering if it’s possible for me to have a future with a person who shows such a lack of understanding about something so fundamental to who I am. Do you see a way forward here?
I see nothing but ways forward. Most of them just don’t include her.
The way forward with her also starts with her, in some version of this epiphany: “The problem wasn’t just in how I phrased it. I looked at your life through the lens of my own, instead of listening to you and trying to understand the situation from your perspective. That was a big and self-centered mistake, and you deserved more from me.”
There’s also a way forward where she sticks to her original assessment and owns it — by breaking up with you. Because if she genuinely has so little respect for your version of your own origin story, then a breakup is the only appropriate next step.
That still fits the definition of “forward” for you because it frees you up to meet someone who understands you better, trusts you more or both.
Or, if you feel uncomfortable truth in her interpretation, then it kicks you toward the hard, productive work of reevaluating your bedrock assumptions about yourself and your upbringing.
Another way forward is for you to use this experience to reflect on what you missed about your girlfriend and why. Values and worldviews don’t apply solely to family; they express themselves constantly through our behaviors. When you’ve been dating someone as long and as seriously as you say you’ve been dating your girlfriend, the only way a disconnect of this magnitude becomes a jump-scare is if you’ve ignored or failed to notice signs of it along the way.
Knowing what you know now, look back at your relationship for any breadcrumbs leading you here. Did you ignore them? Rationalize them as something else, or wish them away? Did you withhold truths about your history because you suspected she’d react this way?
It’s not uncommon to give our outer-facing selves some nipping and tucking, or to put a positive spin on our partners, when we’re really invested in making a relationship work. It’s a totally normal impulse that can be totally self-defeating, prolonging relationships with the wrong people for us.
Transparency is healthy. It allows two true selves to figure out whether they work.
But it’s hard. It takes being willing to break up because you have to, not because you want to. It takes a willingness not only to consider that your partner isn’t as great for you as you’d hoped, but also to open your true self to scrutiny and possible rejection.
Your girlfriend’s response was so problematic in part because you didn’t talk honestly about your family until you’d been together long enough to be talking marriage.
And that part is on you, for withholding the “whole story” from someone so important to you.
This reluctance to trust may stem, understandably, from your experience with a hurtful family. If so, that points to another way forward: to reckon with whatever pain you still carry, in therapy if needed, so it stops getting in your way.
Link
no subject
2. You must have friends or family you can stay with, LW2. Do it.
3. Prudence is absolutely right. I, too, don't think that this sibling relationship is incestuous - but I doubt LW3 is going to be able to shake those feelings. You definitely should not marry somebody if you think they're dreaming about banging their sister instead.
4. Wow, Amy called it.
5. LW5 needs to sit down and seriously reconsider some things, because wtf. Boyfriend would be well within his rights never to speak to them again.
6. This dude doesn't have an eating disorder just because he's an asshole. He might only be an asshole. With that said, even in happy, non-problematic relationships I'd advise people not to marry their high school sweetheart, not without at least checking out the competition. You wouldn't buy the first car you saw on the lot, so why are you marrying the guy you had a crush on at 14? Even if he's not an asshole, but in this case he is, so.
7. Wow. I would, indeed, break up with somebody who said that to me, if I was estranged from my family. That's not a decision people come to lightly - or if they do, it shouldn't be hard to lightly make the decision to break up with a girlfriend/boyfriend over it!
no subject
staggers out the other end of these
I need a freaking drrink and every single one of these relationships needs to be dissolved yesterday.
no subject
And the bit about the "Santa" thing being a family tradition of many years also makes it seem more on the up-and-up.
It's not *impossible* that there is more going on behind the scenes, but I find it unlikely that they'd be so comfortable being demonstrative, if they were trying to conceal a massive secret.
I mean -- I'm not on "cuddles" terms with any member of my family (my daughter and I are very close, but we don't snuggle much now that she's an adult -- we hug and hand-squeeze and such), but my family-of-origin was also VERY standoffish and cold about physical affection.
So, it would feel a little weird to me to see a partner cuddling a parent or sibling . . . but I wouldn't mentally jump to incest, I'd just find it a bit unusual in comparison to my own upbringing. That doesn't make it wrong!
no subject
no subject
I know I am breaking the cardinal rule of reacting to people being fat shamed, but jfc did I record scrath freeze frame at
no subject
Unfortunately, that’s exactly what reactionary Christian sex education is setting girls up to do.
Several of my female family members are overweight, and he says that if I wind up looking like them, he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship.
And if they were to have a daughter and she turned out fat?
no subject
no subject
You are not wrong. It's a recipe for disaster, though, even by their screwed-up standards.
no subject
no subject
no subject
(Also this is why I hate it when people call sex "intimacy." Whatever it is that this sorry waste of space is initiating right there, it AIN'T INTIMACY.)
6. I still feel great about the time I was sitting with the asshole my cousin was dating at a family wedding and pointed out to him which aunts she was said to look like. She does look like them, and they looked gorgeous at this wedding. They are also large women. And I thought, if this guy runs at the thought that Cousin looks a lot like Auntie, GOOD RIDDANCE; if he says, oh how nice, I've misjudged him. They broke up over a pretext within the same month. Was it my fault? Maybe, maybe not, but she met her current husband shortly thereafter, and he's been a loving and loyal partner through two pregnancies and two major illnesses. And is nice to our fat aunts as well as our thin ones.
Frankly if someone said to me, "I couldn't love you if you looked like [family member]," even if it was one of my family members by adoption or marriage whom I had literally no more chance of looking like than a rando on the street? byeeee. That's a weird thing to say even about any human, but a member of the person's family? YUCK.
7. Is there any word on the horse this woman rode in on, or...?
no subject
Word. But I think that LW should leave her SO for his sake. As a friend of mine says, "Nice people have the dirtiest minds" She went straight to incest... sheesh.
no subject