agonyaunt | (no subject)

My 13-year-old niece “Lacey” suffers from several learning disabilities and was drowning in the public school system. My brother approached our parents and me for help paying to put Lacey in a private school with smaller classes and more individualized learning. It is expensive as all hell, but Lacey has been thriving these last three years. The problem is that our parents are retiring and can’t afford to keep paying their share while my husband and I are looking to buy a vacation home near his family (they live overseas). This will be Lacey’s last year. Only my brother refuses to tell Lacey anything. Instead he is rallying against my husband and me for being “selfish” and putting a house over the well-being of Lacey. I have offered to pay for private tutoring until Lacey graduates but Lacey is my niece, not my daughter.

We have been extremely generous until now, but we didn’t accept it would be forever. My brother and husband got into it about the tuition, and my husband made several unkind remarks about my brother’s ability as a father. My brother isn’t speaking to either of us now. Honestly, I am worried about Lacey but more tired with the lack of maturity of her father. He refuses to see reason and keeps burying his head in the sand on the subject. What do we do here?

—Three Years Is Enough

Dear Three Years,

The advice I wish I could give is to go back in time and be clear that you were offering to pay for Lacey’s education a year at a time, for as long as you could comfortably afford it in addition to your own needs and wants, not that you were planning to sponsor her until her graduation. Alternatively, I wish I could go back in time and tell you not to be quite so explicit about prioritizing a luxury purchase over your niece’s well-being. I’m not saying you and your husband were wrong for making that choice. It’s your money! It’s totally your choice! The framing just might have been a little bit hard to hear, for people who thought you were all equally invested in supporting this child.

Your husband should apologize for his attack on his brother’s parenting, and even if they aren’t able to repair their relationship, you should make sure the tutoring is paid for. You’re doing it for Lacey, not her dad. Invite her to your vacation home sometime, too!

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/10/dear-prudence-school-vs-vacation-house.html

Threaded | Flat

Oh, ffs. My opinion may be unpopular, or it might not be, but here it is: Lacey's father isn't being the immature person here, LW and Husband are. Just fucking suck it up and pay the tuition and stop whining, LW.

Maybe I'd have a different opinion if Lacey was in, like, the third grade, or if this was their primary home that they were trying to buy. But they want to pull tuition for her senior year for this nonsense? They can buy that vacation home just as easily next year as this one.

And for what it's worth, if they have the money that these are their biggest problems, they probably have the money to hire a decent lawyer to force the school district to pay for this superior program once they can prove that the public schools were totally failing to educate this child. This is a thing you can do in the USA, though as always it's a thing mostly you can only do if you're wealthy or have some pretty powerful backers.

Edited 2023-10-31 17:44 (UTC)

The problem is that our parents are retiring and can’t afford to keep paying their share

Let's not overlook this, because it means LW and her husband are being expected to shoulder double their share of private school starting next year. LW insinuates that even what they currently pay is massively expensive. And we don't know how much (if any) the brother contributes towards the cost, but clearly he's in no position to assume his parents' share.

while my husband and I are looking to buy a vacation home near his family (they live overseas)

Not knowing how much LW pays for her niece currently is a big factor, but apparently it competes with affording a vacation house. Now they're being expected (not asked) to pay double their share of the private school. Personally I believe they should put off any vacation house purchase to pay for Lacey's final year, but really, they are not obligated to do that, and the brother is being unreasonable in expecting they should.

(Now depending on where husband's family lives, it may be cheaper to buy the vacation home instead of paying for hotels. We know nothing of that situation so I'm not going to judge.)

The advice I wish I could give is to go back in time and be clear that you were offering to pay for Lacey’s education a year at a time, for as long as you could comfortably afford it in addition to your own needs and wants, not that you were planning to sponsor her until her graduation.

I completely agree, this should have been discussed and agreed on beforehand. For now though, imho LW is offering a reasonable compromise (private tutor) if they decide to go ahead with buying the vacation home. No it's not private school, but it is what LW believes they can afford. It's on the brother to look into all other funding options available to keep Lacey at the school if he won't accept that offer.

I also agree that they should continue paying (assuming they can afford the double amount merely by not buying a second home), but it's possible that that isn't really an option for LW. Maybe it's an issue in her marriage if her husband's family is far away and a lot of money has been spent on hers.

But it sounds like the decision about the money has been made already and she's trying to ask what else she can do about her relationship with her brother. An adult who throws an emotional tantrum and flings insults at his in-laws because they refused him money is being immature, no question, but is there anything you can do about that? Not really! Clear boundaries about financial transactions are always a good idea, but I doubt they would have quelled his resentment. LW and her brother have a fundamental disagreement about the obligations in their relationship. He thinks she and her husband morally owe as much help as they can afford to his daughter and they disagree. He thinks their position is selfish, and ultimately the answer is, "Yes, it is". They can do whatever they want with their own money, but they can't prevent people from thinking it's selfish if they spend it on themselves. Many people out there would argue that it's his expectations that are out of whack (though this is a cultural issue). If she just wants reassurance on that point, sure, plenty of people would say you're not being a horrible person! But the brother isn't going to care.

On what to do now: LW should consider buying a vacation home elsewhere. There's no reason to buy a home near the brother if the brother no longer wants to see LW or her husband.