(no subject)

[conuly]

My 13-year-old niece “Lacey” suffers from several learning disabilities and was drowning in the public school system. My brother approached our parents and me for help paying to put Lacey in a private school with smaller classes and more individualized learning. It is expensive as all hell, but Lacey has been thriving these last three years. The problem is that our parents are retiring and can’t afford to keep paying their share while my husband and I are looking to buy a vacation home near his family (they live overseas). This will be Lacey’s last year. Only my brother refuses to tell Lacey anything. Instead he is rallying against my husband and me for being “selfish” and putting a house over the well-being of Lacey. I have offered to pay for private tutoring until Lacey graduates but Lacey is my niece, not my daughter.

We have been extremely generous until now, but we didn’t accept it would be forever. My brother and husband got into it about the tuition, and my husband made several unkind remarks about my brother’s ability as a father. My brother isn’t speaking to either of us now. Honestly, I am worried about Lacey but more tired with the lack of maturity of her father. He refuses to see reason and keeps burying his head in the sand on the subject. What do we do here?

—Three Years Is Enough

Dear Three Years,

The advice I wish I could give is to go back in time and be clear that you were offering to pay for Lacey’s education a year at a time, for as long as you could comfortably afford it in addition to your own needs and wants, not that you were planning to sponsor her until her graduation. Alternatively, I wish I could go back in time and tell you not to be quite so explicit about prioritizing a luxury purchase over your niece’s well-being. I’m not saying you and your husband were wrong for making that choice. It’s your money! It’s totally your choice! The framing just might have been a little bit hard to hear, for people who thought you were all equally invested in supporting this child.

Your husband should apologize for his attack on his brother’s parenting, and even if they aren’t able to repair their relationship, you should make sure the tutoring is paid for. You’re doing it for Lacey, not her dad. Invite her to your vacation home sometime, too!

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/10/dear-prudence-school-vs-vacation-house.html

Comments

[cimorene]

Yeah, totally. Though I wouldn't be surprised to hear that a rich aunt or uncle was helping out - that's happened multiple times within my acquaintance, or to people they knew - even to my mom on a smaller scale. But grandparents helping is a frequent thing whereas the idea that the uncles and aunts would feel obligated seems a little foreign. I mean, it wouldn't happen in my family, either side, both American but different backgrounds. And it wouldn't happen to either side of my inlaws, both Finland Swedish, either. Helping out, yeah, but it's always at the offering aunt or uncle's instigation; nobody in the family would condone the idea that they were obligated.