agonyaunt | (no subject)

My 13-year-old niece “Lacey” suffers from several learning disabilities and was drowning in the public school system. My brother approached our parents and me for help paying to put Lacey in a private school with smaller classes and more individualized learning. It is expensive as all hell, but Lacey has been thriving these last three years. The problem is that our parents are retiring and can’t afford to keep paying their share while my husband and I are looking to buy a vacation home near his family (they live overseas). This will be Lacey’s last year. Only my brother refuses to tell Lacey anything. Instead he is rallying against my husband and me for being “selfish” and putting a house over the well-being of Lacey. I have offered to pay for private tutoring until Lacey graduates but Lacey is my niece, not my daughter.

We have been extremely generous until now, but we didn’t accept it would be forever. My brother and husband got into it about the tuition, and my husband made several unkind remarks about my brother’s ability as a father. My brother isn’t speaking to either of us now. Honestly, I am worried about Lacey but more tired with the lack of maturity of her father. He refuses to see reason and keeps burying his head in the sand on the subject. What do we do here?

—Three Years Is Enough

Dear Three Years,

The advice I wish I could give is to go back in time and be clear that you were offering to pay for Lacey’s education a year at a time, for as long as you could comfortably afford it in addition to your own needs and wants, not that you were planning to sponsor her until her graduation. Alternatively, I wish I could go back in time and tell you not to be quite so explicit about prioritizing a luxury purchase over your niece’s well-being. I’m not saying you and your husband were wrong for making that choice. It’s your money! It’s totally your choice! The framing just might have been a little bit hard to hear, for people who thought you were all equally invested in supporting this child.

Your husband should apologize for his attack on his brother’s parenting, and even if they aren’t able to repair their relationship, you should make sure the tutoring is paid for. You’re doing it for Lacey, not her dad. Invite her to your vacation home sometime, too!

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/10/dear-prudence-school-vs-vacation-house.html

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The problem is that our parents are retiring and can’t afford to keep paying their share

Let's not overlook this, because it means LW and her husband are being expected to shoulder double their share of private school starting next year. LW insinuates that even what they currently pay is massively expensive. And we don't know how much (if any) the brother contributes towards the cost, but clearly he's in no position to assume his parents' share.

while my husband and I are looking to buy a vacation home near his family (they live overseas)

Not knowing how much LW pays for her niece currently is a big factor, but apparently it competes with affording a vacation house. Now they're being expected (not asked) to pay double their share of the private school. Personally I believe they should put off any vacation house purchase to pay for Lacey's final year, but really, they are not obligated to do that, and the brother is being unreasonable in expecting they should.

(Now depending on where husband's family lives, it may be cheaper to buy the vacation home instead of paying for hotels. We know nothing of that situation so I'm not going to judge.)

The advice I wish I could give is to go back in time and be clear that you were offering to pay for Lacey’s education a year at a time, for as long as you could comfortably afford it in addition to your own needs and wants, not that you were planning to sponsor her until her graduation.

I completely agree, this should have been discussed and agreed on beforehand. For now though, imho LW is offering a reasonable compromise (private tutor) if they decide to go ahead with buying the vacation home. No it's not private school, but it is what LW believes they can afford. It's on the brother to look into all other funding options available to keep Lacey at the school if he won't accept that offer.

Yeah, oddly the grandparents are not being blamed at all in this letter. Perhaps they were sacrificing money that they would otherwise have been able to use in retirement, while the aunt is actually richer? Or perhaps no one wants to cross the parents. Or maybe the parents did set a boundary of "we can manage X per year until we retire" and that was accepted.

NB though: she's thirteen, so it's 4-5 years. "Final" just means they're not paying anymore.

Yeah, I see that I mis-read it. I initially read it as, the coming year would be Lacey's final year at that private school. I still believe the brother is unreasonable to expect LW and husband to pay their and the grandparents' share of private school, especially until Lacey graduates.

If LW is using the grandparents' retirement as an excuse to also get out of the private school arrangement, then that is selfish, though it is also their choice. I wonder if that might be the case, since LW is offering private tutoring as a compromise.

I'm not actually sure that it *did* cause the family aid to change. I do think LW is only obligated to pay what they were already paying - although since it doesn't sound like they couldn't pay the whole thing, I can still see why BIL is annoyed at them prioritizing the vacation home. They could at least have kept their mouth shut about what they wanted to use the cash for.

The grandparents' retirement caused the tuition budget to change which is something that the brother could have (and should have) predicted. It's not like it's a surprise that Grandma and Grandpa planned on retiring.