Dear Pay Dirt: do I, their daddy's "roommate", need to foot the bills?

[jadelennox]

Dear Pay Dirt,

My boyfriend and I are at an impasse. I own my own place and he was trying to get back on his feet after the divorce. He has two small kids. My place is small and not child-friendly. He pays no rent and half of the other bills but thinks it is completely OK for me to give up my home office for a bedroom for his kids. And pay for all the new furniture. And help with other expenses like private tutoring and sports activities.

The thing is I can only introduce myself as dad’s “friend” and we need to sleep separately when/if the kids come over. We aren’t even talking about marriage. Honestly, I think that he should give up overnight visits and stick to seeing his kids in public places. Even just picking them up and dropping them off every day seems more doable than this. However, he is a great and devoted dad. When his eyes are on me, I feel like the most special woman in the world. He has had a hard time of it. Am I wearing rose-colored glasses here?

—Rose Red

Dear Rose Red,

You don’t owe your boyfriend and his kids anything. You did not agree to support them. It is your boyfriend’s responsibility to figure out how to make physical room for his children and to pay for their expenses, not yours.

It’s understandable that you’d want to help him get back on his feet, since you care about him, but part of being a great and devoted dad is taking care of your own kids, financially and otherwise. Right now he is trying to outsource an important part of that to you while offering you no real relationship with the children or guarantees of commitment. I think you just have to say no.

It’s also understandable that he wants overnight visits with his kids, but that doesn’t obligate you to host. Your place is not his place, and he should not be asking you to modify it when he’s not even paying rent. He needs to figure out how and where to see his kids, and how to pay for private tutoring and sports and other things himself. It is bizarre and inappropriate that he is asking you to help support his children when you are not their mother and have no real relationship with them. He needs to figure out how he is going to make it work, and his plan cannot be you financially supporting his kids. He should be doing that.

source

Comments

[neotoma]

Up until "I feel like the most special woman in the world" I thought this was a gay relationship that the LW's boyfriend was trying to keep closeted from his kids.

Either way, LW doesn't need a boyfriend mooching off them, no matter how specially the man makes them feel.

[frenzy]

Ope I missed that line. I absolutely assumed there was a layer of internalized homophobia not talked about here.

[p_cocincinus]

Maybe she's trans and it's transphobia instead? Not that it would be an improvement; I'm wholly team DTMFA.

I'm also wondering about the layout of the place - LW says it's small, and BF wants her to give up her home office so his kids can have a bedroom, but also they'll have to sleep apart? Does that mean she has a guest room that could theoretically be turned into the kids' room if they were sleeping together? Or would he be sleeping on the couch and convincing his kids that he does it every night? I'm so confused.