Dear Pay Dirt: do I, their daddy's "roommate", need to foot the bills?

[jadelennox]

Dear Pay Dirt,

My boyfriend and I are at an impasse. I own my own place and he was trying to get back on his feet after the divorce. He has two small kids. My place is small and not child-friendly. He pays no rent and half of the other bills but thinks it is completely OK for me to give up my home office for a bedroom for his kids. And pay for all the new furniture. And help with other expenses like private tutoring and sports activities.

The thing is I can only introduce myself as dad’s “friend” and we need to sleep separately when/if the kids come over. We aren’t even talking about marriage. Honestly, I think that he should give up overnight visits and stick to seeing his kids in public places. Even just picking them up and dropping them off every day seems more doable than this. However, he is a great and devoted dad. When his eyes are on me, I feel like the most special woman in the world. He has had a hard time of it. Am I wearing rose-colored glasses here?

—Rose Red

Dear Rose Red,

You don’t owe your boyfriend and his kids anything. You did not agree to support them. It is your boyfriend’s responsibility to figure out how to make physical room for his children and to pay for their expenses, not yours.

It’s understandable that you’d want to help him get back on his feet, since you care about him, but part of being a great and devoted dad is taking care of your own kids, financially and otherwise. Right now he is trying to outsource an important part of that to you while offering you no real relationship with the children or guarantees of commitment. I think you just have to say no.

It’s also understandable that he wants overnight visits with his kids, but that doesn’t obligate you to host. Your place is not his place, and he should not be asking you to modify it when he’s not even paying rent. He needs to figure out how and where to see his kids, and how to pay for private tutoring and sports and other things himself. It is bizarre and inappropriate that he is asking you to help support his children when you are not their mother and have no real relationship with them. He needs to figure out how he is going to make it work, and his plan cannot be you financially supporting his kids. He should be doing that.

source

Comments

[jadelennox]

I respect the hell out of Elizabeth for mostly sticking to answering the financial questions asked, which is her remit, without asking what we're all thinking which is "he's divorced, why is he still lying to his kids" and "why the hell are you agreeing to this, he is a bad father and bad boyfriend" and "have you considered DTMFA as a lifestyle choice."

[lokifan]

yep!!!

[misbegotten]

LW, ask yourself what lies this "great and devoted dad" (who is lying to his kids and sponging off you) is telling to you to make you feel like you are the most special woman in the world.

[nineveh_uk]

I guess we know why he's divorced.

[cimorene]

So much yikes... I have a lot of questions about her history beyond the obvious, because the fact that she apparently accepts this situation more or less is flabbergasting.

[conuly]

LW, let him get back on his own feet on his own. This situation only serves to demean you both.

[neotoma]

Up until "I feel like the most special woman in the world" I thought this was a gay relationship that the LW's boyfriend was trying to keep closeted from his kids.

Either way, LW doesn't need a boyfriend mooching off them, no matter how specially the man makes them feel.

[frenzy]

Ope I missed that line. I absolutely assumed there was a layer of internalized homophobia not talked about here.

[p_cocincinus]

Maybe she's trans and it's transphobia instead? Not that it would be an improvement; I'm wholly team DTMFA.

I'm also wondering about the layout of the place - LW says it's small, and BF wants her to give up her home office so his kids can have a bedroom, but also they'll have to sleep apart? Does that mean she has a guest room that could theoretically be turned into the kids' room if they were sleeping together? Or would he be sleeping on the couch and convincing his kids that he does it every night? I'm so confused.

[cereta]

If the two adults in question are not far along enough in the relationship for figuring out sleeping arrangements for the kids to be a mutual goal, they are not far along enough in the relationship to be living together. If they're not far along enough in the relationship for LW to be introduced as more than "Daddy's friend" and for the two of them to share a bed when the kids are there,* they aren't far along enough to be living together, either. Dating a parent comes with obligations,** expectations, and complications, and it doesn't sound like either LW or her boyfriend are ready for those. BF needs to get back on his feet independently, and until he's self-sufficient, the brakes need to be put on this whole relationship.

*If that particular requirement comes from the ex, that's a whole other kettle of fish.
**These do not include subsidizing the kids' activities, etc, and the fact the BF is asking for that is a huuuuuuuge red flag that just reinforces that they shouldn't be living together yet.

[castiron]

LW, your glasses are so rose-colored that they could be used as a float in Pasadena.

Your boyfriend wants you to financially support him and his kids. *Maybe* this'd be appropriate if you and he had a relationship that had been going on for over a decade and was a marriage in all but the piece of paper. But given that I can see the NRE wafting off the pixels, no, you shouldn't be financially supporting his kids, and the fact that he assumes you should says to me that he's a moocher. (And if that isn't NRE, then I have some questions about the timing of boyfriend's divorce and boyfriend's starting his relationship with you.)

Hold out for a man who makes you feel special and who's financially responsible. This one isn't worth it.

[jadelennox]

LW, your glasses are so rose-colored that they could be used as a float in Pasadena.

I sporfled.

[movingfinger]

The sex must be planet-breaking, that's all I can think

[movingfinger]

Not only do I think she should not host his children in her child-unsuitable apartment, I think Daddy needs to get his own place.

If he has visitation and custody for sleepovers, didn't he have to demonstrate that he was capable of doing that? Should this feckless wonder even have overnights without his own apartment or stable, child-friendly-with-all-the-cupboard-locks living arrangement?

[cereta]

Only if the matter was contested. Very few divorces get to the point where home evaluations and such get involved.

[melannen]

I strongly suspect what's going on here is that Daddy moved in with LW when his then-wife found out about them and kicked him out of the house, and that's what "getting back on his feet after the divorce" means (and would also explain why he appears to have been living with her for awhile before custody got worked on at all.)

In which case, LW, I guess you should search your soul and figure out how responsible you feel to the kids for the fact that Daddy had to move out suddenly. Although given the other information about him in this letter my answer would probably be "not at all, and you should also kick him out too".