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Two letters with dogs
1. Dear Prudence,
When I was a child I was brutally attacked by a dog. It left permanent scars on my body and on my psyche. I have been in therapy but that is not a cure-all. I no longer have sobbing fits if I see a dog, but I am still phobic about them. I cross the street if I see one and don’t go to people’s houses if they have one. I find it easier to lie and say I have allergies because if I tell people the truth, they quiz me or try to prove their dogs are the exception. In college my roommate, knowing my past, dropped a puppy in my lap and I had a panic attack.
I am married to a great man and pregnant with a little boy. He grew up with dogs, and his mother and sister do not accept our refusal to get one despite knowing my past. I have overheard my mother-in-law calling me “vindictive” and “selfish” for denying my husband a dog. My sister has told me that I need to “process my trauma.” I haven’t told my husband about these comments yet. I don’t know if I should because he will read the riot act to them and refuse to go over for the holidays. He wants to protect me but I know they will put it on me.
I am stressed at work, stressed over the baby, and sick of this dog issue. How do I handle these people? What can I say to them to get them to understand?
What a monstrous failure to produce empathy on your in-laws’ parts! I’m so sorry that you’ve so often met this response when you’ve tried to explain that you just can’t be around dogs, and that other people have delighted in pushing past your boundaries and making you feel guilty for having residual trauma from a highly significant violent attack in your childhood. The idea that you can simply “process” your trauma away—that it’s merely a matter of feeding input into a machine until it’s gone—is a ridiculous one, and it suggests that your sister-in-law is willfully misunderstanding what it means to experience trauma. You’re able to manage your trauma such that you can live in the world and see dogs from a distance, and that’s no small feat. I’m glad to hear that you know your husband will immediately take your side, and while I know you fear being blamed if you tell him, I think it’s time. Let him help you draw this boundary, and make it clear to his mother and sister that they are not, in fact, “helping” him by trying to make you feel guilty.
Trying to get your in-laws to “understand” shouldn’t be your goal, I think, because they already know that you suffered a terrible attack as a child and their response has been to call you selfish. They understand plenty. They just don’t care. The real work should be in communicating your limits to them as a couple—namely, that if they try to revisit the issue again, your conversation with them will be over, and you’ll walk away.
Link
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My new neighbor started off our first interaction in June on a very rude note, and now she’s about to be part of the kids’ August camp carpool list, and I feel like I need an apology and an explanation before we drive each other’s kids. I haven’t mentioned this to the other moms in the neighborhood, but I will have to bring it up if I want to find someone to cover her spot.
What happened: We have a friendly, loving, high-energy golden retriever. He’s just out of the puppy stage, so he’s just as energetic but doesn’t know his own size. He’s never hurt anyone, he’s just very excitable. I was walking him through the neighborhood when he slipped off his leash and ran up to her, giving face kisses and wanting to be petted. I assured her that she was friendly, but she replied “I’m not” and shoved him off of her, hard, at me, and basically threw herself into her front door. We haven’t spoken since, and I’m worried if she’s like this with dogs, she’s like this with kids. I also would like an apology. How do I start this, or at least get her out of this group where she has access to my kid, if she is like this?
—Kid and Dog Mom
Dear Kid and Dog Mom,
There are plenty of people who don’t like dogs and are capable of treating children with respect. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that a person who is unkind to dogs would do the same with children. Dog lovers tend to forget that not everyone has the same affinity for pups that they do (“face kisses” is a telling way of referring to getting unexpected animal saliva on one’s face). For all you know, this woman could be afraid of dogs, she may have even been attacked by one in the past. Her reaction to your dog doesn’t guarantee anything with regards to how she’d behave with your child. Simply put, it’s not fair to resent this woman for not liking dogs.
However, you do still need to clear the air with her before the carpooling. Let her know that you all may have gotten off to a rough start and that you’d like to properly introduce yourself, as your kids are supposed to be riding together. Give her a chance to show you who she is. If she’s truly rude and nasty, then make arrangements to swap your car pool days so you don’t have to drive each other’s children. If she’s a pleasant enough person who just doesn’t like dogs, try your best to look past that. Dogs simply aren’t for everyone, regardless of how sweet and friendly yours may seem to you.
Link
When I was a child I was brutally attacked by a dog. It left permanent scars on my body and on my psyche. I have been in therapy but that is not a cure-all. I no longer have sobbing fits if I see a dog, but I am still phobic about them. I cross the street if I see one and don’t go to people’s houses if they have one. I find it easier to lie and say I have allergies because if I tell people the truth, they quiz me or try to prove their dogs are the exception. In college my roommate, knowing my past, dropped a puppy in my lap and I had a panic attack.
I am married to a great man and pregnant with a little boy. He grew up with dogs, and his mother and sister do not accept our refusal to get one despite knowing my past. I have overheard my mother-in-law calling me “vindictive” and “selfish” for denying my husband a dog. My sister has told me that I need to “process my trauma.” I haven’t told my husband about these comments yet. I don’t know if I should because he will read the riot act to them and refuse to go over for the holidays. He wants to protect me but I know they will put it on me.
I am stressed at work, stressed over the baby, and sick of this dog issue. How do I handle these people? What can I say to them to get them to understand?
What a monstrous failure to produce empathy on your in-laws’ parts! I’m so sorry that you’ve so often met this response when you’ve tried to explain that you just can’t be around dogs, and that other people have delighted in pushing past your boundaries and making you feel guilty for having residual trauma from a highly significant violent attack in your childhood. The idea that you can simply “process” your trauma away—that it’s merely a matter of feeding input into a machine until it’s gone—is a ridiculous one, and it suggests that your sister-in-law is willfully misunderstanding what it means to experience trauma. You’re able to manage your trauma such that you can live in the world and see dogs from a distance, and that’s no small feat. I’m glad to hear that you know your husband will immediately take your side, and while I know you fear being blamed if you tell him, I think it’s time. Let him help you draw this boundary, and make it clear to his mother and sister that they are not, in fact, “helping” him by trying to make you feel guilty.
Trying to get your in-laws to “understand” shouldn’t be your goal, I think, because they already know that you suffered a terrible attack as a child and their response has been to call you selfish. They understand plenty. They just don’t care. The real work should be in communicating your limits to them as a couple—namely, that if they try to revisit the issue again, your conversation with them will be over, and you’ll walk away.
Link
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My new neighbor started off our first interaction in June on a very rude note, and now she’s about to be part of the kids’ August camp carpool list, and I feel like I need an apology and an explanation before we drive each other’s kids. I haven’t mentioned this to the other moms in the neighborhood, but I will have to bring it up if I want to find someone to cover her spot.
What happened: We have a friendly, loving, high-energy golden retriever. He’s just out of the puppy stage, so he’s just as energetic but doesn’t know his own size. He’s never hurt anyone, he’s just very excitable. I was walking him through the neighborhood when he slipped off his leash and ran up to her, giving face kisses and wanting to be petted. I assured her that she was friendly, but she replied “I’m not” and shoved him off of her, hard, at me, and basically threw herself into her front door. We haven’t spoken since, and I’m worried if she’s like this with dogs, she’s like this with kids. I also would like an apology. How do I start this, or at least get her out of this group where she has access to my kid, if she is like this?
—Kid and Dog Mom
Dear Kid and Dog Mom,
There are plenty of people who don’t like dogs and are capable of treating children with respect. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that a person who is unkind to dogs would do the same with children. Dog lovers tend to forget that not everyone has the same affinity for pups that they do (“face kisses” is a telling way of referring to getting unexpected animal saliva on one’s face). For all you know, this woman could be afraid of dogs, she may have even been attacked by one in the past. Her reaction to your dog doesn’t guarantee anything with regards to how she’d behave with your child. Simply put, it’s not fair to resent this woman for not liking dogs.
However, you do still need to clear the air with her before the carpooling. Let her know that you all may have gotten off to a rough start and that you’d like to properly introduce yourself, as your kids are supposed to be riding together. Give her a chance to show you who she is. If she’s truly rude and nasty, then make arrangements to swap your car pool days so you don’t have to drive each other’s children. If she’s a pleasant enough person who just doesn’t like dogs, try your best to look past that. Dogs simply aren’t for everyone, regardless of how sweet and friendly yours may seem to you.
Link
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