(no subject)

[ysobel]

From the Carolyn Hax chat:

Should I comment on altered appearance?

A technician who has serviced out HVAC system for 15 years came today. He was wearing hoop earrings, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick. My first thought was "that's a little dramatic for daytime wear." I know that he is married and has adult children. I didn't comment on his transformation. He'll be back in six months -- should I say something then?


Carolyn Hax

"That's a great color on you." (Translation: You're safe here.) Otherwise, no.

[isa comment: I love CH's reply, no notes! but am eyebrowing hard at the LW, especially for "dramatic" and the relevance of marriage/kids]

Comments

[ashbet]

I'm also side-eyeing the LW's tone about this.

Carolyn's response boils down to "If you can't say something nice/accepting that indicates THIS PERSON GENUINELY IS SAFE WITH YOU, don't say anything at all" . . . but the LW doesn't come off as super-safe or capable of managing their snark.

(BTW, "hoop earrings, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick" -- you mean, what many cis women wear for daytime, and often are *expected* to wear in order to appear "professional" or "put together"? Dramatic for daytime? Hmmmm.)

[cora]

If his wingtip is fly, ask him if he knows any good tutorials.

Sincerely,
Wingtips are goals

[pauraque]

I'm not sure I understand the question. Does LW think the person might be unaware of their own appearance? Like maybe they tripped and fell into a puddle of makeup and jewelry and need to be discreetly informed that it stuck to them? (Perhaps the same for the wife and kids?)

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW:

someone capable of honestly complimenting the HVAC tech could do so. You should staple your judgy mouth shut. Thank you.

Sincerely,
the rest of us.

[yalovetz]

I sometimes have encounters like this and wonder how I can make comments that will show I that I've noticed the person's changed gender expression and am supportive and a safe person. However, I'm a man and autistic and don't want to come off as creepy or like I'm hitting on them. I have no idea how to be flirtatious and therefore am always worried I might be inadvertently, so veer on the side of not doing anything that could remotely be perceived that way, which means never complimenting anyone on their appearance, for the most part.

I also have a trans history myself, so could always make some kind of comment about how freeing it is to start expressing yourself in different ways. But I'm not sure how this would come across, as I'm pretty much always read as a cis man, and I'm not always comfortable outing that part of my history to strangers.

[cimorene]

I just can't imagine how annoying it is for lw to spend lots of time around women if they have strong opinions about how much makeup and jewelry constitute overdressed, because I mean, statistically, you're going to find a lot more of them in that demographic.