Carolyn Hax: "Garbage" friend seeks to reconnect

[cereta]

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: About 20 years ago, I broke off a really intense friendship. She did a typical 24-year-old thing, but it was a dealbreaker nonetheless. I was hurt and upset. She apologized. I told her how I felt and that I wanted nothing more to do with her ever again. Friend moved away soon after.

I got a message from her a couple of days ago. She said she missed our friendship and felt bad that we “fell out of touch.” It’s clear she has no memory of why we aren’t friends anymore.

I have zero interest in being friends with her now. It’s bad enough Friend was a garbage person back then. But it’s even worse — and proving my point — that she has no recollection of her terrible actions and thinks everything has always been hunky-dory with us. I’d like to tell her as much, but I’m not sure what the point is?

— Are You [bleeping] Kidding Me?

Are You [bleeping] Kidding Me?: You have no obligation to respond, and there doesn’t seem to be much benefit to responding just to restate the point you tried to make two decades ago. So you’re good there, if you want to be.

But given your high levels of passion and certainty, I wonder: Have you put your own view of what happened under any kind of microscope? You were young then, too. Maybe you legitimately misread something: her actions, her intent, her.

Maybe what she did was totally obvious and “garbage” and there’s nothing to examine. But, having had a few eye-opening encounters with my own two-decade-old certainties, and knowing how much better our memories are at storytelling than at data, I am a big fan of going through the old files sometimes in search of humbling insight. For all you know, she’s in touch because she did the same.

Re: Former Friend: She’s a garbage person? There’s no possibility she’s had a bunch of growth in 20 years? That she does remember what happened, but doesn’t want to open with that? That she’s not out of line at all and you can easily say, “We had some great times and I miss some of those days, but I don’t think it’s possible to recapture them. Hope you’re doing well,” without feeling all this agita that she [gasp] dared to try to speak to you again?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Good stuff here, thank you.

Dear Carolyn: It was an affair. There are two kinds of people: those who can see it all in the bigger picture, and those who can only see this one specific thing in black and white. It’s one of those things where the two kinds of people can never really understand the other. Move along. #TeamNeverForgiveNeverForget.

— Kidding Me again ETA This is not the original LW.

Kidding Me again: Right, two kinds: people who understand life is fluid and complex, and those who don’t. If your way serves you well, then keep it, but don’t presume to stuff anyone else in a box.

Other readers’ thoughts:

· Someone once told me to try to remember everyone at their best, not their worst. Do YOU want to be remembered for your worst behavior or best behavior? Sometimes people commit heinous, unforgivable acts, sure. And sometimes they are just immature 24-year-olds learning like the rest of us.

· I think #TeamNeverForgiveNeverForget is the saddest thing I have read in a long, long time. My father has lived his ever-diminishing life by this motto; I have watched it wind around his heart like a constrictor. Join #TeamLetItGo; the liberation will be, well, liberating!

Comments

[laurajv]

I think what strikes me about this -- and what seems to strike Carolyn as well -- is that LW is holding on to a LOT of anger for something that happened a long time ago. And it could be completely justified anger! But it could also be unexamined anger that is mostly, at this point, serving only to disturb the LW's peace of mind.

[conuly]

If that anger really is thoroughly justified, responding to this person is unlikely to do any good.

And if it's not that justified, then LW needs to... I don't know, but it also doesn't include sending this person a mean response.

[cimorene]

Yeah, that's the main thing. They might be totally justified and maybe that part of the response is wrong, but at lest the practical advice is the same: don't respond, and check your own emotional wellbeing.

[princessofgeeks]

This is what I was going to say. All the advice can be true and still, the person is under no obligation to respond at all. They can just leave this relationship in the past. If it's an opportunity for self-examination, well and good. But no reason to respond at all.

This exact thing happened to me and the former friend was reaching out as part of a 'making amends' process. We exchanged a few emails and then it dwindled again. We had nothing in common any more, but I had put it behind me and really didn't think about it too much in the present day. There was no point in me responding to her overture. I found out what had become of her and satisfied my curiosity but that was about it.

[laurajv]

oh, sure. I don't think LW is obligated to respond at all. It might be healthier for LW to let go of the anger. Or it might not! Only LW can identify that. The level of anger after 20 years probably merits some self-examination, if only to check in on LW's ok-ness with the anger and/or the trauma that caused it.

[melannen]

Yeah, what strikes me is that it's weird how she goes from "it was a typical 24-year-old thing" to "she was a garbage person" in less than two paragraphs. Was it a typical thing - the type of thing that someone might screw up in a way that really truly hurt you but that many young people might thoughtlessly do without it being a statement on their character - or was it the sort of deeply beyond-the-pale, not an understandable screw-up, thing that marks you as a truly garbage person forever?

I can see how it could go both ways! Maybe it was an ordinary typical sort of thing and LW knows that logically but she's still so hurt about it that the anger always overrides that. Or maybe Friend did a truly garbage thing but someone (else) tried to convince LW that it was just normal kid stuff, so she's underplaying it in her own mind even as she's still justifiably angry. I can't tell and I don't think LW can either.

LW can't seem to figure out how they feel about it enough to decide which it is, and they need to get to that point before they even think about saying anything whatsoever to this person.

[ethelmay]

It's also possible that LW may never be able to untangle the facts enough to know. I have stuff in my past like that where I would really just kind of like to know what happened, and I don't even necessarily know quite what was going on with me, let alone the other person.

[melannen]

That's true! But they don't even seem to know yet that they don't know, if you know what I mean.