One column, two sets of bad parents

[conuly]

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three kids: two girls and a boy. My oldest daughter is my biological daughter and our younger two are adopted. My oldest, “Annie,” was 3 years old when we adopted her sister and 6 when we adopted her brother. When Annie was 2, we took her to Disneyland. All three kids have been to Disney World, but only Annie has been to DL. My other daughter is turning 10 this year and my son has been having some medical problems, so we’d like to take the two of them on a fun trip for their birthdays. We would take them during the offseason (fall) to save money.
If I took Annie, it would cost more, and since Annie is in middle school it would be a lot more work to make up. Is it okay to leave Annie behind since she’s already been? I know life isn’t supposed to be fair, but it seems weird to leave a kid behind, even if it’s only for a long weekend. Thoughts?

—Three Kids, One Vacation

Dear Three Kids,

I’m going to keep this brief. Assuming she wants to go, you need to find a way to bring Annie on this trip with you. Do you remember anything from when you were 2 years old? I don’t. Even if I asked my kids, who are 9 and 12 respectively, I bet they wouldn’t remember the vacations we took when they were that age.

Whatever the cost would be to bring her along would be nothing compared to the cost of the resentment she would feel if you left her behind. Trust me, unlike the initial trip when she was a toddler, being kept at home is something she would remember for the rest of her life. Ask Annie if she wants to go, and if the answer is yes, then you need to do whatever it takes to make it happen and create memories as a family.

**********

2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I am devastated to discover that my kids feel uncomfortable being around me when I am stressed out. I have a nervous personality and like all moms, I worry. I recently overheard two of my kids (13F and 16M) talking about me, and I was shocked by what I heard. The kids were saying that they can’t be around me when I’m in an anxious mood. They claimed that when I’m in that state, I “act intensely upset like someone experiencing something catastrophic,” I “seem like I’m about to snap,” I “act like a tsunami is coming when we’re out of milk.” My daughter said that she is uncomfortable to be around me when I’m nervous because it rubs off on her and makes her feel afraid and my son, who is the oldest child, said that he realized “in elementary school” that he has to solve his problems on his own so that he didn’t “set me off.”

This is how I’ve always been, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not a good pretender. If I feel something, there’s no hiding it. I am deeply hurt that my kids choose to believe that they have to walk on eggshells around me, but this is who I am. Even though I want my kids to feel happy around me, it feels unfair that my kids expect me to change myself so drastically for their comfort. I would never ask the same of them. Do I really just have to stuff down my feelings to please my kids?

—Too Many Feels

Dear Too Many Feels,

Let me preface my advice by saying that I personally deal with mental illness on a daily basis, specifically depression and anxiety. There’s no question that life can be extremely difficult to handle when the voices in your head are telling you that you’re not good enough or that the walls are closing in. However, I’ll also be the first to say that conditions like anxiety cannot be an excuse for bad behavior.

That’s not to say your behavior qualifies as “bad” necessarily, and you don’t say whether you’ve ever seen a professional about your anxiety. I’m in no position to diagnose you of course, but regardless, it’s clear from what you overheard that your emotional state has impacted your teenage kids for years. The “I shouldn’t have to change who I am” mantra just doesn’t cut it when the young people you’re responsible for raising don’t feel a sense of psychological safety around you. I feel for you, I know this must have been hard to hear—but if my kids said the things that your kids did, I would be in my therapist’s office that afternoon to discuss what actions I need to take to get my life back on-track. If you don’t have one, I think it’s time to start looking.

Speaking of your kids, you say that you would never tell them to change who they are, but I’m not buying that for a second. If they were engaging in behaviors that hurt others, would you just sit there and let it happen? They should also speak with a therapist to help them with the trauma they’ve experienced in their childhood—and before anyone rolls their eyes at me, yes, I think this qualifies as trauma. We’re not talking about harmless personality quirks like putting mustard on pizza. We’re talking about apparently pervasive, long-standing issues that have been a strain on your children. You need to do right by them, and that includes getting help for yourself and for them as soon as possible.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/disney-trip-care-and-feeding.html

Comments

[cimorene]

These kids are probably regularly adultified by this parent refusing to be the adult in the situation and that's why they're so affected by her emotional unpredictability. Maybe I'm projecting a bit because I identify with the kids, but I was stressed to nervous breakdown as a teen and often tried my best to hide from my mother when she was having a stressful time and I remember that hyperalertness to her moods all too well. In fact, I still have trauma responses to some common stress behaviors on the part of other people and often completely shut down in response to raised voices. So yeah, this mom's attitude has me clenching my teeth. Go to therapy, you selfish jerk!

[summerstorm]

I shut down in response to raised voices too! Sad high five. In my case, that one is due to my father. The hyperalertness to my mom's moods, though -- it's so unsettling.

[resonant]

I shut down in response to raised voices because of my parents' trauma - my mother's older sister and my father's father were such violent and unpredictable presences in their childhoods that Mom and Dad accidentally taught their children to freeze in response to yelling.

I had some sympathy for lw #2 - anxiety is very hard work - but it mostly went away when we got to the part where "I can't help it if I'm more emotionally honest then other people."

[cimorene]

Yeah, same. I can sympathize with the fact that it sucks to have to be the grownup in the situation and it is really hard to manage your anxiety when you have to... but that line is evidence of such a completely broken conception of what is going on in this situation: justifying herself aggrievedly as if she thinks the reader should take her side and agree that her feelings are just more important than normal people's and everyone has to experience them with her AND LIKE IT and children failing to appreciate this are being selfish. Wow.

[lilysea]

I identify with the kids in letter #2 as well.

[minoanmiss]

Word. I am still hyper alert to people’s moods to this day due to my childhood.

[feast_of_regrets]

This exactly. Reminds me of the all-hands-on-deck BS my brother and I went through when my father came home from work every day of the week. These kids probably have a small degree in diplomacy already from managing LW's mood swings.