One column, two sets of bad parents

[conuly]

1. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three kids: two girls and a boy. My oldest daughter is my biological daughter and our younger two are adopted. My oldest, “Annie,” was 3 years old when we adopted her sister and 6 when we adopted her brother. When Annie was 2, we took her to Disneyland. All three kids have been to Disney World, but only Annie has been to DL. My other daughter is turning 10 this year and my son has been having some medical problems, so we’d like to take the two of them on a fun trip for their birthdays. We would take them during the offseason (fall) to save money.
If I took Annie, it would cost more, and since Annie is in middle school it would be a lot more work to make up. Is it okay to leave Annie behind since she’s already been? I know life isn’t supposed to be fair, but it seems weird to leave a kid behind, even if it’s only for a long weekend. Thoughts?

—Three Kids, One Vacation

Dear Three Kids,

I’m going to keep this brief. Assuming she wants to go, you need to find a way to bring Annie on this trip with you. Do you remember anything from when you were 2 years old? I don’t. Even if I asked my kids, who are 9 and 12 respectively, I bet they wouldn’t remember the vacations we took when they were that age.

Whatever the cost would be to bring her along would be nothing compared to the cost of the resentment she would feel if you left her behind. Trust me, unlike the initial trip when she was a toddler, being kept at home is something she would remember for the rest of her life. Ask Annie if she wants to go, and if the answer is yes, then you need to do whatever it takes to make it happen and create memories as a family.

**********

2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I am devastated to discover that my kids feel uncomfortable being around me when I am stressed out. I have a nervous personality and like all moms, I worry. I recently overheard two of my kids (13F and 16M) talking about me, and I was shocked by what I heard. The kids were saying that they can’t be around me when I’m in an anxious mood. They claimed that when I’m in that state, I “act intensely upset like someone experiencing something catastrophic,” I “seem like I’m about to snap,” I “act like a tsunami is coming when we’re out of milk.” My daughter said that she is uncomfortable to be around me when I’m nervous because it rubs off on her and makes her feel afraid and my son, who is the oldest child, said that he realized “in elementary school” that he has to solve his problems on his own so that he didn’t “set me off.”

This is how I’ve always been, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not a good pretender. If I feel something, there’s no hiding it. I am deeply hurt that my kids choose to believe that they have to walk on eggshells around me, but this is who I am. Even though I want my kids to feel happy around me, it feels unfair that my kids expect me to change myself so drastically for their comfort. I would never ask the same of them. Do I really just have to stuff down my feelings to please my kids?

—Too Many Feels

Dear Too Many Feels,

Let me preface my advice by saying that I personally deal with mental illness on a daily basis, specifically depression and anxiety. There’s no question that life can be extremely difficult to handle when the voices in your head are telling you that you’re not good enough or that the walls are closing in. However, I’ll also be the first to say that conditions like anxiety cannot be an excuse for bad behavior.

That’s not to say your behavior qualifies as “bad” necessarily, and you don’t say whether you’ve ever seen a professional about your anxiety. I’m in no position to diagnose you of course, but regardless, it’s clear from what you overheard that your emotional state has impacted your teenage kids for years. The “I shouldn’t have to change who I am” mantra just doesn’t cut it when the young people you’re responsible for raising don’t feel a sense of psychological safety around you. I feel for you, I know this must have been hard to hear—but if my kids said the things that your kids did, I would be in my therapist’s office that afternoon to discuss what actions I need to take to get my life back on-track. If you don’t have one, I think it’s time to start looking.

Speaking of your kids, you say that you would never tell them to change who they are, but I’m not buying that for a second. If they were engaging in behaviors that hurt others, would you just sit there and let it happen? They should also speak with a therapist to help them with the trauma they’ve experienced in their childhood—and before anyone rolls their eyes at me, yes, I think this qualifies as trauma. We’re not talking about harmless personality quirks like putting mustard on pizza. We’re talking about apparently pervasive, long-standing issues that have been a strain on your children. You need to do right by them, and that includes getting help for yourself and for them as soon as possible.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/disney-trip-care-and-feeding.html

Comments

[conuly]

1. I do not understand how you type up that entire letter and not realize that yes, you are the asshole.

Life isn't fair, I guess, but people are supposed to try, especially when it comes to their own kids. FFS.

2. Her feelings are "just how she is" but her kids' feelings are what they choose to believe. Uh-huh. Somebody has no idea how responsibility flows in the parent-child relationship. Yes, you have to be the one who changes for your kids! That's fair! Demanding they hide their feelings for you - which is what LW has been doing this whole time and apparently continuing to do - is entirely inappropriate. They're the children. You're the adult. Get it together.

[cimorene]

These kids are probably regularly adultified by this parent refusing to be the adult in the situation and that's why they're so affected by her emotional unpredictability. Maybe I'm projecting a bit because I identify with the kids, but I was stressed to nervous breakdown as a teen and often tried my best to hide from my mother when she was having a stressful time and I remember that hyperalertness to her moods all too well. In fact, I still have trauma responses to some common stress behaviors on the part of other people and often completely shut down in response to raised voices. So yeah, this mom's attitude has me clenching my teeth. Go to therapy, you selfish jerk!

[summerstorm]

I shut down in response to raised voices too! Sad high five. In my case, that one is due to my father. The hyperalertness to my mom's moods, though -- it's so unsettling.

[resonant]

I shut down in response to raised voices because of my parents' trauma - my mother's older sister and my father's father were such violent and unpredictable presences in their childhoods that Mom and Dad accidentally taught their children to freeze in response to yelling.

I had some sympathy for lw #2 - anxiety is very hard work - but it mostly went away when we got to the part where "I can't help it if I'm more emotionally honest then other people."

[cimorene]

Yeah, same. I can sympathize with the fact that it sucks to have to be the grownup in the situation and it is really hard to manage your anxiety when you have to... but that line is evidence of such a completely broken conception of what is going on in this situation: justifying herself aggrievedly as if she thinks the reader should take her side and agree that her feelings are just more important than normal people's and everyone has to experience them with her AND LIKE IT and children failing to appreciate this are being selfish. Wow.

[lilysea]

I identify with the kids in letter #2 as well.

[minoanmiss]

Word. I am still hyper alert to people’s moods to this day due to my childhood.

[feast_of_regrets]

This exactly. Reminds me of the all-hands-on-deck BS my brother and I went through when my father came home from work every day of the week. These kids probably have a small degree in diplomacy already from managing LW's mood swings.

[summerstorm]

The 'choose to believe' in the second letter made me see red. My mom has never gone to a therapist despite me asking her to, but she has (probably to her own detriment) finally learned to be less catastrophic in my vicinity, and hold it together when she knows I need her to. And I still panic when I hear her say 'No' in a very specific tone -- usually she'll have dropped a glass or something, but it sounds like something exploded or she found one of our cats dead. It's a sinking feeling. Knowing that your kids experience that, why would you CHOOSE TO LET them keep feeling that way.

[pauraque]

1. What do the kids' genetics have to do with this? Is LW trying to imply that it's okay to leave Annie at home because she's the only biological kid in the family so she's, like, already extra special, therefore it's okay to give the adopted kids something big that she doesn't get? If it's not that, I don't know what LW is talking about.

2. Holy shit.

[jadelennox]

Re 2: I see your holy shit and raise you a holy forking shirtballs.

I honestly thought LW2 was going to go to a totally fine place, ie. "It is awful and anxiety inducing that I've damaged my relationship with my kids this way, but my anxiety is as managed as it's going to get; how can I fix this before it's irreparable?" But no, instead she goes to:

• "I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not a good pretender", like it's virtuous to be this person.
• I overheard a private conversation about other people's opinions that wasn't aimed at me, but this is "unfair" and they "expect me to change" and "I would never ask the same of them". They didn't ask anything, of you, lady. Aslan doesn't like eavesdroppers.
• "choose to believe", lolol.
• You feel "hurt" over your teenagers' bad opinions of you? Ma'am, I regret to inform you that for at least the next 5 years, you are public enemy number one, and even if you weren't awful, you'd still be the star of their every therapy session. If you didn't realise what you signed up for when you started parenting, that's on you; you're their mum, not their friend. This be the verse.

[cora]

My sympathy for LW#2 ended at Even though I want my kids to feel happy around me, it feels unfair that my kids expect me to change myself so drastically for their comfort.

Like...that's what being a parent is all about?? You are expected to drastically alter your sleeping schedule for a newborn and then not get much sleep for a few years after. You are expected to provide for, nurture, and care for these kids. Ensuring your kids feel physically, mentally, and emotionally safe around you is bare minimum good parenting. As a parent, you are supposed to be one of your child's trusted adults.

LW doesn't need to change "I like mustard on my hot dogs and it grosses my kid out" (a change request from kids to parents that can be denied). LW needs to change "my child does not feel safe around me."

Also, hive five to you in particular for this snappy line:
Ma'am, I regret to inform you that for at least the next 5 years, you are public enemy number one.
TRUTH!

[cereta]

I was going to ask why LW #1 felt the need to include that two of the kids are adopted. I'm from a mixed-DNA family - my older brother and I are adopted, and my younger siblings aren't, something that's not terribly uncommon in our generation - and it never mattered in terms of how our parents made decisions about family vacations, for Christ's sake.

[swingandswirl]

... do these people even hear themselves.

[raine]

Obviously not. Letter #1 has all the signs of a parent who singles out their children in hugely damaging ways.

[redbird]

LW 2 really is trying hard to defend her position. I'm pretty sure that either she has already tried this argument on her children and they didn't buy it, or she was hoping the columnist would tell her she was right and give her a magic spell that would stop her children from "choosing" to believe that they aren't safe around her.

I really really hope that she goes out and finds a therapist, and comes to realize that her children shouldn't have to stuff their feelings down to please her.

[tielan]

LW1: WTF. Don't be a cheapass, take your oldest daughter with you. Or else don't complain in 10-20 years when she doesn't want any relationship with you.

LW2: WTF. You are the adult in this scenario, mental health issues or not. Find a way to emotionally regulate yourself so your kids don't have to manage your emotional disregulation. Or else don't complain in 10-20 years when they don't want a relationship with you.

[joyeuce]

Or else, LW1, if adding in one extra child would really make Disneyland financially impossible, maybe ... don't go? A trip to Disneyland is not essential to your kids' health or happiness. Think of something else fun that you can all do together.

[tielan]

I have noticed (and do not understand) the obsession that American adults of a certain generation have with Disneyland.

So I don't offer the "just don't go?" option anymore when someone insists their child's childhood will be incomplete without the Disneyland experience...

[joyeuce]

I didn't know that - thank you for providing the context. Is Disneyland seen as somehow more desirable than Disneyworld, then? She says all the children have been there.

[conuly]

Many people have strong opinions about which is better, and for most of them, it's Land over World.

But lots of people have no such feelings about it. It's a theme park. A very nice theme park, where they worked hard to eliminate all the logistical problems that tend to plague theme parks, but - it's a theme park.

[tielan]

Some of it might be interchangeable? But the two places are different, and if you're that stuck on "taking my kids to The Disneys is the ultimate vacation of childhood joy" then a completionist attitude is likely.

[katiedid717]

Re: letter 1
I'm the oldest of 5. My parents brought us older three to Disney World when we were 9/7/6, and then they brought all 5 of us when we were 13/11/10/5/2. My parents went again with the younger two when they were 9/6 and left us older three at home with our grandmother, which was completely fair.
Leaving behind your 13yo because she's already been on a trip at an age when she was too young to remember? That's a dick move. Bring all three kinds to Disney Land or don't bring any of them.

Re: letter 2
LW, if you choose to take offense rather than go to therapy, you are going to have adult children who do not talk to you in 10-20 years. Your anxiety is YOUR problem for YOU to manage. It is hurting your children and that's not okay.
My siblings and I range from 27 to 38 and all five of us have asked our mother to see a therapist, and she refuses. Which means my youngest sister has barely spoken to her in about 2 1/2 years, my brother and I keep our interactions minimal, and my other two sisters are resigned to "this is just how she is and I need to try not to let it affect me" even though it 100% does. Go to therapy. Get on a medication to stabilize your mood. DO NOT put any more of this on your children.