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Different take on a previously posted letter
https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/617361.html
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/best-friend-secret-care-and-feeding.html
Dear Care and Feeding,
I (17F) identify as a lesbian and have for a few years now. I have come out to my parents, younger sister, and one of my close friends. Coming out to my sister and friend went just about as well as it could have. They were both very supportive, non-judgmental, and kind.
My parents, however, were a slightly different story. I came out to them when I wasn’t exactly ready for it, due to a combination of factors. They were very skeptical about whether what I was saying was true, and there was a strong “it’s just a phase” mentality. They were also somewhat upset that I had been “wasting time” by watching videos and reading articles about something that they consider to be irrelevant. For the record, I was never concerned that my parents were intensely homophobic and would kick me out of the house, but I didn’t know how accepting they would be. I would rate them as a tolerance/acceptance on the Riddle scale.
Since I talked to them (about a year ago), we’ve never spoken about homosexuality pertaining to me personally, but I am very vocal about my support of social movements like Black Lives Matter and gay rights, and we’ve had non-confrontational discussions about it. It feels like my parents are willing to accept that other people can be gay, but not their own child. Coming from my parents, who have always been supportive of me, it hurts that they seemingly cannot come to terms with another part of my identity. My mom keeps comparing me to friends who have boyfriends and referencing a potential future husband, which is incredibly frustrating.
Other than this, I have a great relationship with my parents, and they fully support me in everything else. This is a few years down the line of course, but my relatively reserved, incredibly self-conscious self is terrified of introducing a future girlfriend to my parents. Is there anything I can do to make my parents a bit more accepting, or at least make me comfortable enough to stop referring to a future partner in gender-neutral pronouns?
—I Don’t Want a Husband!
Dear No Husband,
First off, props to you for coming out! I know it didn’t happen the way you would have wanted, but I hope you are proud of yourself for rolling with the circumstances and owning your identity. It is not always easy, though we hope it gets easier for the next kid, and the next.
I want to preface the rest of my response by saying that I haven’t been in your shoes, so I hope you have also floated this question toward LGBTQIA+ organizations or communities because coming out and confronting homophobia can be really individualized and traumatic experiences. PFLAG and Q Chat Space might be a couple of places to check out if you haven’t already.
How you move forward really depends on the goal. Do you just want to just extinguish the references to boyfriends, or do you want to start trying to move your parents along their journey toward supporting (and eventually celebrating) you?
If it’s just extinguishing the tactless remarks, I would keep a few one-liners in your back pocket and deploy them when needed—without turning the conversation into censure or debate. The one-liners could be subtle (“You mean wife”), earnest (“We’ve discussed this; I’m gay. Talking about boyfriends hurts my feelings.”), or humorous (“I’m not a polygamist, mom. I don’t think my future wife will want us to have a husband, too.”) You drop the remark and move on, hoping that after a few instances, your parents get the hint. I know you mentioned you’re not yet comfortable using words like wife and girlfriend around your parents. Maybe these one-off lines would help you dip your toes in. But in general, don’t feel bad about what vocabulary you are and aren’t using. You can use the terminology that is comfortable—and you can change it when you want. It doesn’t make you a less authentic lesbian, especially this early in your life.
If you want to try to confront your parents’ behavior, and you think they are capable of evolving their views on sexuality, then nothing beats a good old heart-to-heart chat. In a non-accusatory way, explain how their remarks make you feel and ask them why they make them. Articulate how you want to be treated. Stating how you would like to be treated is a surefire way to uncover their point of view, because either they’ll adapt…or they won’t. Again, the resources above can give you tips and inspiration for that conversation. Good luck!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/daughter-standing-out-appearance-care-and-feeding-advice.html
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/best-friend-secret-care-and-feeding.html
Dear Care and Feeding,
I (17F) identify as a lesbian and have for a few years now. I have come out to my parents, younger sister, and one of my close friends. Coming out to my sister and friend went just about as well as it could have. They were both very supportive, non-judgmental, and kind.
My parents, however, were a slightly different story. I came out to them when I wasn’t exactly ready for it, due to a combination of factors. They were very skeptical about whether what I was saying was true, and there was a strong “it’s just a phase” mentality. They were also somewhat upset that I had been “wasting time” by watching videos and reading articles about something that they consider to be irrelevant. For the record, I was never concerned that my parents were intensely homophobic and would kick me out of the house, but I didn’t know how accepting they would be. I would rate them as a tolerance/acceptance on the Riddle scale.
Since I talked to them (about a year ago), we’ve never spoken about homosexuality pertaining to me personally, but I am very vocal about my support of social movements like Black Lives Matter and gay rights, and we’ve had non-confrontational discussions about it. It feels like my parents are willing to accept that other people can be gay, but not their own child. Coming from my parents, who have always been supportive of me, it hurts that they seemingly cannot come to terms with another part of my identity. My mom keeps comparing me to friends who have boyfriends and referencing a potential future husband, which is incredibly frustrating.
Other than this, I have a great relationship with my parents, and they fully support me in everything else. This is a few years down the line of course, but my relatively reserved, incredibly self-conscious self is terrified of introducing a future girlfriend to my parents. Is there anything I can do to make my parents a bit more accepting, or at least make me comfortable enough to stop referring to a future partner in gender-neutral pronouns?
—I Don’t Want a Husband!
Dear No Husband,
First off, props to you for coming out! I know it didn’t happen the way you would have wanted, but I hope you are proud of yourself for rolling with the circumstances and owning your identity. It is not always easy, though we hope it gets easier for the next kid, and the next.
I want to preface the rest of my response by saying that I haven’t been in your shoes, so I hope you have also floated this question toward LGBTQIA+ organizations or communities because coming out and confronting homophobia can be really individualized and traumatic experiences. PFLAG and Q Chat Space might be a couple of places to check out if you haven’t already.
How you move forward really depends on the goal. Do you just want to just extinguish the references to boyfriends, or do you want to start trying to move your parents along their journey toward supporting (and eventually celebrating) you?
If it’s just extinguishing the tactless remarks, I would keep a few one-liners in your back pocket and deploy them when needed—without turning the conversation into censure or debate. The one-liners could be subtle (“You mean wife”), earnest (“We’ve discussed this; I’m gay. Talking about boyfriends hurts my feelings.”), or humorous (“I’m not a polygamist, mom. I don’t think my future wife will want us to have a husband, too.”) You drop the remark and move on, hoping that after a few instances, your parents get the hint. I know you mentioned you’re not yet comfortable using words like wife and girlfriend around your parents. Maybe these one-off lines would help you dip your toes in. But in general, don’t feel bad about what vocabulary you are and aren’t using. You can use the terminology that is comfortable—and you can change it when you want. It doesn’t make you a less authentic lesbian, especially this early in your life.
If you want to try to confront your parents’ behavior, and you think they are capable of evolving their views on sexuality, then nothing beats a good old heart-to-heart chat. In a non-accusatory way, explain how their remarks make you feel and ask them why they make them. Articulate how you want to be treated. Stating how you would like to be treated is a surefire way to uncover their point of view, because either they’ll adapt…or they won’t. Again, the resources above can give you tips and inspiration for that conversation. Good luck!
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/05/daughter-standing-out-appearance-care-and-feeding-advice.html
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My parents were very similar to LW's: superficially very left-wing and liberal, but, it turned out, actually secretly quite traditional and conservative when it came to matters of gender and sexuality. Which meant that when members of their own family came out to them, it didn't make sense to them on a visceral level. They believe queer family members are confused, but tolerate that as much as possible, mostly by not talking about queer issues at all.
I spent most of my life believing it was my fault that my parents didn't fully accept me and my relationships: I hadn't come out to them in the right way, I wasn't trying hard enough to explain myself, I wasn't being open enough with them. I'm only just now realising, thirty years later, through therapy, that none of it is my fault. I didn't do anything wrong, it is their fault for not being open and accepting of me.
I think giving LW that message, that she can try different ways to get through to her parents, but either way, it's her parents' responsibility as parents to accept her, and if they don't do that, it's not her fault and she won't have failed, is most important. This response implies that the responsibility lies with her and just sets her up to feel like she needs to try harder.
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"She's just gotten so disrespectful," these parents would feel justified in complaining to their friends while they punished their teenager for being queer and having boundaries. "Of course she can have any identity she wants and we will love and support her. We're great like that. She just has to be respectful."