A Pay Dirt correspondent asks if she's selfish

[jadelennox]

Dear Pay Dirt,

When I graduate college in 2022, I was gifted a large sum of money as a graduation present to help pay off my loans. My parents (who are missionaries and also recently inherited a lot of cash) offered to match this gift to help me out. But when Biden’s plan for student loan forgiveness got announced, my parents asked/demanded the money for their ministry (which has no issue fundraising), saying that I should manage and pay off the rest of my loans to learn “financial responsibility” even though I am otherwise almost entirely financially independent. I tried to object but my entire family said I was being selfish and acted disgusted that I would want some control over my own finances, so I gave in. But now that it seems like student loans will not be forgiven, I want the money back. Am I incredibly selfish? What do I do?

—Morally Confused

Dear Morally Confused,

You’re certainly not selfish for wanting control over your finances or wanting to pay off your student loans. But it sounds like your parents did not give that gift freely and instead actually wanted it routed toward their ministry. If student loan forgiveness gets overturned by the Supreme Court, you could request the gift back, but it doesn’t sound like it was ever much of a “gift”—just a way to guilt you into donating more to your parents’ ministry. Asking for your donation back will not give you peace with your family, only a fresh round of being called “selfish.” You might be better off paying the last bit of your student loans without their assistance. If you want independent control over your finances, you will have to refuse money from your parents with attached strings and guilt.

Comments

[the_future_modernes]

I am confused. DId the parents ask for their money back or for the other gift? And why did OP still have the student loan money to give them back anyway?

That being said the parents are assholes.

[minoanmiss]

I think this is what happened:

LW recieved $X intended to pay their student loans back
LW's parents offered to match $X with another $X.
When Biden's plan was squashed parents did tw things:
1) rescind offer of $X matching gift
2) demand the $X LW was given to be handed over to them.

LW obeyed her parents. She now has 0Xs of money, and also knows that her parents will financially abuse her in the name of the Lord.

I have a rant about Christianity I will not unleash at this time.

[julian]

Well, they demanded their money back when Biden's plan was originally rolled out. Once it got squashed, so did LW, *but anyway*.

(LW is not selfish, but we all knew that.)

[the_future_modernes]

I really really hope that in my lifetime we get to see missionary work being considered the scourge that it is, at the very least. And that maybe schools start teaching what coercive behavior is and how to stand up to it.

[conuly]

When do the parents learn financial responsibility?

[minoanmiss]

What else can I say but, amen?

[cimorene]

Yeeeeeeeaaaah.

[cimorene]

+1

[cynthia1960]

OMG, if we actually taught folks how to resist coercion, can you *imagine* what world we might be able to create?

[cynthia1960]

Consider the rant deployed! What a f-ed up way to extort funds from somebody who really needed it, and oh goddess, I wish LW very far away from her family of origin.

[feast_of_regrets]

Throw the whole family out? I think that's my answer. I wish LW (and everyone else with student loan debt) the best of luck with the loans and I hope some kind of political solution sticks.