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agonyaunt2023-03-12 04:59 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2023-03-12 04:59 am
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Dear Prudence: Help! My Fiancé Is Trying to Involve Me in a Major Family Coverup
He’s perfect in so many ways, but is this a red flag?
Dear Prudence,
For the better part of a year now I’ve been seeing an absolutely amazing man named “Ben.” He’s tall, gorgeous, gentle, mature, considerate, aesthetically sensitive, intellectually curious, and shares my love of culture and travel. He just proposed to me, and I accepted.
Ben has a darling almost 2-year-old son, “Toby,” and is the most joyful, loving and devoted father you could imagine. He told me that Toby’s mother, his ex-girlfriend “Starr,” was a terribly angry, bitter, spiritually ugly person, and when they had an unintended pregnancy, Ben and his family paid Starr to carry the baby to term and relinquish her parental rights. Starr hasn’t seen Toby since his birth, and Ben intends to keep things that way. As soon as we’re married Ben wants me to adopt Toby, and to raise him believing I’m his birth mother and our children are his full siblings. Due to health considerations and the existence of DNA testing, Ben is reluctantly willing to tell Toby he had a different birth mother once he’s an adult, but does not want to give him any identifying information about Starr.
The rest of Ben’s family are in complete agreement with this. However, I can’t quite get on board. Despite not knowing Starr personally, I find it hard to believe she would have totally given up her child if not for the financial temptation. And no matter what she’s like, I’m sure Toby at some point will want to know more about her and have the option of some kind of relationship with her. Would it be wrong for me to agree to Ben’s wishes for now, but keep the intention of renegotiating this later? Or even go behind his back and tell Toby the truth when he’s maybe 7 or 8, instead of 18+? Or should I refuse to marry Ben, denying myself a perfect partner and Toby (whom I already adore) a mother figure, if he stands firm on this?
— No Loving Lies
Wait a minute! You want to marry a man who you believe used money to separate his son from his mother? Reasonable people can disagree about how much to shield children from complicated and potentially painful truths about their families, but I think the way this all started—Ben’s family paying Starr to relinquish her rights—is incredibly, incredibly troubling. I’m going to have to disagree that Ben is a “perfect partner,” and I’m worried that he’ll try to overpower or manipulate you at some point in your relationship, just like he did his ex. When it comes to his request that you pretend to be Toby’s birth mother, it sounds like he wants to sweep the past under the rug and enjoy the image of a ready-made family rather than doing the more difficult work of being honest with his kid. This tendency toward using secrecy to keep up appearances is a red flag to me.
Yes, it would be wrong for you to agree to go along with this plan with the intention of “renegotiating” or going behind his back. But the bigger mistake you’re at risk of making is marrying someone who seems to have a pattern of selfishly disregarding what’s best for his loved ones. If you go through with the marriage before seeing Ben make a major shift toward sensitivity and honestly, you’ll be next.
Dear Prudence,
For the better part of a year now I’ve been seeing an absolutely amazing man named “Ben.” He’s tall, gorgeous, gentle, mature, considerate, aesthetically sensitive, intellectually curious, and shares my love of culture and travel. He just proposed to me, and I accepted.
Ben has a darling almost 2-year-old son, “Toby,” and is the most joyful, loving and devoted father you could imagine. He told me that Toby’s mother, his ex-girlfriend “Starr,” was a terribly angry, bitter, spiritually ugly person, and when they had an unintended pregnancy, Ben and his family paid Starr to carry the baby to term and relinquish her parental rights. Starr hasn’t seen Toby since his birth, and Ben intends to keep things that way. As soon as we’re married Ben wants me to adopt Toby, and to raise him believing I’m his birth mother and our children are his full siblings. Due to health considerations and the existence of DNA testing, Ben is reluctantly willing to tell Toby he had a different birth mother once he’s an adult, but does not want to give him any identifying information about Starr.
The rest of Ben’s family are in complete agreement with this. However, I can’t quite get on board. Despite not knowing Starr personally, I find it hard to believe she would have totally given up her child if not for the financial temptation. And no matter what she’s like, I’m sure Toby at some point will want to know more about her and have the option of some kind of relationship with her. Would it be wrong for me to agree to Ben’s wishes for now, but keep the intention of renegotiating this later? Or even go behind his back and tell Toby the truth when he’s maybe 7 or 8, instead of 18+? Or should I refuse to marry Ben, denying myself a perfect partner and Toby (whom I already adore) a mother figure, if he stands firm on this?
— No Loving Lies
Wait a minute! You want to marry a man who you believe used money to separate his son from his mother? Reasonable people can disagree about how much to shield children from complicated and potentially painful truths about their families, but I think the way this all started—Ben’s family paying Starr to relinquish her rights—is incredibly, incredibly troubling. I’m going to have to disagree that Ben is a “perfect partner,” and I’m worried that he’ll try to overpower or manipulate you at some point in your relationship, just like he did his ex. When it comes to his request that you pretend to be Toby’s birth mother, it sounds like he wants to sweep the past under the rug and enjoy the image of a ready-made family rather than doing the more difficult work of being honest with his kid. This tendency toward using secrecy to keep up appearances is a red flag to me.
Yes, it would be wrong for you to agree to go along with this plan with the intention of “renegotiating” or going behind his back. But the bigger mistake you’re at risk of making is marrying someone who seems to have a pattern of selfishly disregarding what’s best for his loved ones. If you go through with the marriage before seeing Ben make a major shift toward sensitivity and honestly, you’ll be next.
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Yeah, this. Like, Starr might be terrible. She might be a shitty person. But LW knows one side of this story, and it's the side where here fiance was an innocent victim of a "spiritually ugly". LW doesn't have enough information to know if she should raise children with Ben or if he's vile. And getting in a real fight with him is a good start.
And yeah, I don't trust anyone who calls someone else "spiritually ugly". Like, that phrase alone is the reddest of flags for me.
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Yep! This!