Dear Prudence: Help! My Fiancé Is Trying to Involve Me in a Major Family Coverup

[minoanmiss]

He’s perfect in so many ways, but is this a red flag?

Dear Prudence,

For the better part of a year now I’ve been seeing an absolutely amazing man named “Ben.” He’s tall, gorgeous, gentle, mature, considerate, aesthetically sensitive, intellectually curious, and shares my love of culture and travel. He just proposed to me, and I accepted.
Ben has a darling almost 2-year-old son, “Toby,” and is the most joyful, loving and devoted father you could imagine. He told me that Toby’s mother, his ex-girlfriend “Starr,” was a terribly angry, bitter, spiritually ugly person, and when they had an unintended pregnancy, Ben and his family paid Starr to carry the baby to term and relinquish her parental rights. Starr hasn’t seen Toby since his birth, and Ben intends to keep things that way. As soon as we’re married Ben wants me to adopt Toby, and to raise him believing I’m his birth mother and our children are his full siblings. Due to health considerations and the existence of DNA testing, Ben is reluctantly willing to tell Toby he had a different birth mother once he’s an adult, but does not want to give him any identifying information about Starr.

The rest of Ben’s family are in complete agreement with this. However, I can’t quite get on board. Despite not knowing Starr personally, I find it hard to believe she would have totally given up her child if not for the financial temptation. And no matter what she’s like, I’m sure Toby at some point will want to know more about her and have the option of some kind of relationship with her. Would it be wrong for me to agree to Ben’s wishes for now, but keep the intention of renegotiating this later? Or even go behind his back and tell Toby the truth when he’s maybe 7 or 8, instead of 18+? Or should I refuse to marry Ben, denying myself a perfect partner and Toby (whom I already adore) a mother figure, if he stands firm on this?

— No Loving Lies

Wait a minute! You want to marry a man who you believe used money to separate his son from his mother? Reasonable people can disagree about how much to shield children from complicated and potentially painful truths about their families, but I think the way this all started—Ben’s family paying Starr to relinquish her rights—is incredibly, incredibly troubling. I’m going to have to disagree that Ben is a “perfect partner,” and I’m worried that he’ll try to overpower or manipulate you at some point in your relationship, just like he did his ex. When it comes to his request that you pretend to be Toby’s birth mother, it sounds like he wants to sweep the past under the rug and enjoy the image of a ready-made family rather than doing the more difficult work of being honest with his kid. This tendency toward using secrecy to keep up appearances is a red flag to me.

Yes, it would be wrong for you to agree to go along with this plan with the intention of “renegotiating” or going behind his back. But the bigger mistake you’re at risk of making is marrying someone who seems to have a pattern of selfishly disregarding what’s best for his loved ones. If you go through with the marriage before seeing Ben make a major shift toward sensitivity and honestly, you’ll be next.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Oh LW you do not want to be a character in this novel.

[kiezh]

Have you ever seriously argued with Ben, LW? Gotten visibly angry at him? Refused to be cajoled into going along with his smart, mature, SO cultured perspective? I think you should try that. Maybe on this very topic. Have an open conflict, not a secret plan to go behind his back years from now. (WTF)

Then watch carefully to see if you turn into a "terribly angry, bitter, spiritually ugly person" in his eyes, or if he threatens you with financial or social consequences for not following his script and playing the role he's cast you in.

It's possible Starr was really that awful (though "spiritually ugly" rings a lot of alarm bells for me). It's possible Ben isn't a controlling asshole who wants everything Just So (Or Else). But I think you should find out if he's "perfect" when you say No to him.

[kiezh]

I had another thought about this - does anyone else feel like, in situations like this, the Litany Against The Ex carries a subtextual threat? If the Evil Ex is described as ANGRY, then ANGRY is what the current SO is warned not to ever be or show. Be chill! Go with the flow! Agree to what your partner wants! You wouldn't want to be an ANGRY, BITTER person, would you...

(It makes me wonder: what was the Ex angry about? Bitter about? WTF does "spiritually ugly" mean anyway?)

[minoanmiss]

does anyone else feel like, in situations like this, the Litany Against The Ex carries a subtextual threat?

Oh yes indeed. I was going to write about that but you've phrased it much more succinctly and clearly.

[movingfinger]

This is so true. When men (it's usually men) go around slagging off an ex in subjective terms like this, it's a good idea to do some due diligence. Maybe even contact the ex yourself, LW, and listen to her side of the story about how she totally lost custody. Especially if you're going to be raising her child.

[jamoche]

My dad apparently slagged off my mom to Wife #2, which Mom discovered when Wife #2 was in the process of becoming Ex #2 and called Mom up because he was now saying the same things about her (to Future Wife #3, IIRC, but don't ask me how W#2 knew that) that he'd said about Mom. Basically W#2 wanted an "is it me, or is it him?" sanity check.

It's him. So much him.

[lethe1]

Yes to all of this. When I read this "gorgeous, gentle, mature, considerate, aesthetically sensitive, intellectually curious" man had an ex who was "a terribly angry, bitter, spiritually ugly person" I thought something didn't add up there.

[castiron]

Or at least wait one more year before marrying him and see if he's still a loving and devoted father when Toby exhibits normal two-year-old behavior.

I can't help thinking that one reason Ex is terribly angry and bitter is because she got pressured into carrying to term and completely giving up her child. If I was dating a man who had a child and the mother was completely out of the picture, I'd expect the reason to involve a court order or jail time or at least extreme neglect, not that she's "spiritually ugly" and was paid to go away.

[lilysea]

There is a possibility that the mother was planning on getting an abortion, but that the father's family offered her a life-changing amount of money to carry to term.

This would explain why the mother wasn't interested in parenting.

[jadelennox]

Yeah, this. Like, Starr might be terrible. She might be a shitty person. But LW knows one side of this story, and it's the side where here fiance was an innocent victim of a "spiritually ugly". LW doesn't have enough information to know if she should raise children with Ben or if he's vile. And getting in a real fight with him is a good start.

And yeah, I don't trust anyone who calls someone else "spiritually ugly". Like, that phrase alone is the reddest of flags for me.

[melannen]

The only time when "spiritually ugly" isn't a massive red flag about the person who's saying it to you is when both of you are members of a cult that uses it on a regular basis, in which case it's a red flag about the cult, and either way, get out.

[ethelmay]

I have been Googling (never having heard the phrase before) and it does seem to be frequently used in a specific Christian context.

[melannen]

I'm pretty sure I've also heard it used by the crystals-and-positive-thoughts-cure-cancer sort of New Agers, but a lot of them are also Christian anyway.

[tielan]

I don't trust anyone who calls someone else "spiritually ugly". Like, that phrase alone is the reddest of flags for me.

Yep! This!

[oursin]

Strong case here for doing your best to find 'Starr' to get her side of the story.

[cimorene]

This style of "perfect in every way except this teensy, tiny, OBVIOUS RED FLAG, so how do I gently persuade it out of him without offending or upsetting anybody" letter is really a whole GENRE, isn't it? I must say this is a shining example of it, too. Yikes.

[jadelennox]

yeah it really is, sob.

[zana16]

Hahaha I married one of the children of a family who tried to do this. The kids were too old (6 and 4) not to be told but the subject brings up a specialized madness that everyone has spent 40 years avoiding. My sister in law hasn’t told her kids her dad adopted her, and the expectation I know is that I won’t tell mine when they’re old enough to understand. (Fuck that, I’m definitely telling.) Because they’ve made it such a big deal, they’re willing to go to any length to protect the information. There was a point when they almost kicked my husband out of the family because of it - maintaining the secret was more important than maintaining the relationship. I can’t heal that sickness but I can do my best to make sure it doesn’t draw in my kiddos.

[minoanmiss]

Oh my God. That sounds amazingly stressful.

[cereta]

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH NO NO NO NO NO DON'T LIE DON'T LIE TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS. I mean, preferably, don't lie to them at all, but especially don't lie to them about stuff that is about them.

[green_grrl]

I’m so glad it’s becoming more known that best practice for adopted kids to let them know they’re adopted in age-appropriate ways from the start. It’s the most humane way to let them build a lifelong, strong sense of their identity; it’s only fair for them to have that knowledge for medical history purposes; and it saves the whole family from an epic (and deserved) “YOU LIED” blowup when the truth, inevitably, comes out. Hopefully the increasing popularity of DNA kits will at least scare reluctant families into doing the right thing up front.

[cereta]

My parents did that with me and my brother 50+ years ago, and it boggles me that people still struggle with this. I remember, God, an episode of Knots Landing in which two adoptive parents agreed that six was "too young" to tell a child they're adopted, and I just wanted to yell, "No! Six is too old!"

[viggorlijah]

Six is very old! I am forever grateful to the Vietnamese adult adoptee who told a room full of prospective adoptive parents her experience where only her sister confirmed she was adopted and everyone else in the white family pretended she was just overreacting about looking a little different (!!) it feels awkward at first having first mom, second mom, stepmom, social mom or whatever terms you use but then it just becomes - life.

[ironymaiden]

My niece comes from a similar situation (marriage was already coming apart when birth mom got pregnant). Birth mom has been an asshole all along (the litany is long, but for example she steals her child's mail). Having an asshole bound to the family for the lifetime of your child is a miserable experience that I don't wish on anyone, especially the child.
I agree there are red flags here and that the kid should know, but what LW needs is a full backstory

[jadelennox]

yeah, birth mom could be an abuser or a toxic person who is better off out. ben could literally have kidnapped his own kid and told everyone he bribed starr, or blackmailed her. Except for Ben's inherent red flags, the backstory is unknowable from Ben and his family -- but no matter what, LW can't raise kids with this guy without more context.

[minoanmiss]

That sounds wretched. I'm sending your niece strength. Both my parents treated me badly so I can totally believe a parent can be an asshole.

The thing that gets me about this situation, though... maybe "spiritually ugly" is LW's phrasing, not Ben's, but it's a really subjective judgement posing as an objective one. And wanting to wipe Starr from TOby's personal history is an asshole move on Ben's part. It's possible they're both assholes (I send Toby strength too).

[topaz_eyes]

LW needs to find Starr and talk to her ASAP. I wonder whether the "angry, bitter, spiritually ugly" description was actually because she wanted to end the unintended pregnancy (as was her right), and Ben and/or his family coerced/forced her to carry it.

[minoanmiss]

Word. Or just because of however she displeased Ben in the course of a breakup.

[lilysea]

Yes, I can absolutely picture that Starr wanted an abortion and Ben and/or his family used

money
guilt trips
emotional browbeating
verbal browbeating

to persuade her to carry to term.

[movingfinger]

Wasn't this a Mary Stewart plot?

If the child isn't yet two, all this happened very very recently. LW needs to dig into the story deeply or back away (or both), because this ruthlessness will be turned on her the moment she bucks his family in any way. Court documents? Social media search? Gossip in the community? Private detective? The "crazy ex" narrative is a red flag all by itself.

The other part of it is, that this guy is a douche who caused an unintended pregnancy. If LW isn't using reliable and un-sabotageable birth control now, I hope she starts immediately.

[conuly]

Never ever ever lie to a child about their origins. It's bound to come back and bite you later.

[ethelmay]

I can't see a lie like this working - it would get so complicated, especially if she gets pregnant and everyone they've met recently is thinking it's her second baby and asks her how it went last time. And does LW not have family of her own, or anyhow friends, who know she's not Toby's mom and can't be expected to automatically participate in this deception? (If Ben sought out someone isolated on purpose, OH JEEZ IS THAT YET ANOTHER RED FLAG.)

[likeaduck]

Hah, you're so right, these logistics are a nightmare, in what context does this seem like a reasonable plan?

[firecat]

Didn't I see a movie a while back about what happens when you lie to your kid about their parentage? Oh yeah, it was called Thor.

[minoanmiss]

LW, do you want to end up in the Odinsleep while Frost Giants invade?

[feast_of_regrets]

Best advice. Watch Thor and do not pull an Odin!