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Carolyn Hax: Relatives refuse to use trans sister's name
Hi Carolyn: My sister came out as trans last summer and began going by a beautiful feminine name. Certain members of our family have expressed resistance and “compromised” by agreeing to call her by her gender-neutral middle name, which our parents chose for her at birth. She tolerates it and has told me she thinks it’s good enough.
I exclusively use the name she wants — it’s her name!! — but what should I do when I hear one of these relatives use the middle name? Do I let it slide, because that’s what my sister herself is doing, or correct them and make a stink, every single time?
— Nickname
Nickname: “Who?” Then when they answer: “Oh, you mean [beautiful feminine name]. Her name is [beautiful feminine name].” Say it every single g.d. time.
When I answered this originally, I said to call them by the wrong name — and if they didn’t like it, then say you are willing to compromise, you just need to like what you call them.
But with a cooler head, I realized your sister might not want you to fight her battle for her or to fight it this way — as richly as your relatives deserve it.
I do still, many months later, have no answer for why people are so insistently obtuse about treating someone in a way they’d never stand to be treated.
I exclusively use the name she wants — it’s her name!! — but what should I do when I hear one of these relatives use the middle name? Do I let it slide, because that’s what my sister herself is doing, or correct them and make a stink, every single time?
— Nickname
Nickname: “Who?” Then when they answer: “Oh, you mean [beautiful feminine name]. Her name is [beautiful feminine name].” Say it every single g.d. time.
When I answered this originally, I said to call them by the wrong name — and if they didn’t like it, then say you are willing to compromise, you just need to like what you call them.
But with a cooler head, I realized your sister might not want you to fight her battle for her or to fight it this way — as richly as your relatives deserve it.
I do still, many months later, have no answer for why people are so insistently obtuse about treating someone in a way they’d never stand to be treated.
Re: I was thinking about this recently
Like how your ears are hearing this person tell you what her name is, and your eyes can see that she's upset that you're choosing to ignore her?
This is the thing that gets me. You can't always tell someone's gender by looking at them, even if that person is entirely cisgender. Some cis women are very tall and flat-chested, and some cis dudes are short and round, and my daughter is eight years old and there is not a single child in her entire grade that has anything to aid in identifying their gender beyond their hypothetical presentation. (And I live in Portland, y'all; a long-haired kid wearing a dress may or may not be a girl.) "The evidence of your senses" in most cases only allows you to make an assumption based on advanced pattern matching. Sometimes your pattern matching brain is wrong.
Re: I was thinking about this recently
I think this was the missing piece in my consideration. The difference between evidence and truth.
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