Trophy Wife

[jadelennox]

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I have what one could call a “traditional” marriage: He works, and I tend the home. Since we’re child-free and I already finished college, I suppose you could call me a trophy wife, but firstly, I’m nonbinary, and secondly, that’s the rub. Whenever we meet new couples at social gatherings, the first question is always, “And what do you do?”

On paper, not much: I read a lot, I tend to my hobbies, I attempt to bake, and I spend time with my husband. He handles all the boring life matters like bills for us and I dote on him. Making sure I want for nothing satisfies him, and being cared for so wholly pleases me. It may not be “feminist” to others, but for us it’s blissful. We contribute differently to our life together: He provides all the concrete trappings, and I provide the immaterial. He keeps our bodies nourished and warm with his marvelous cooking and our beautiful home, and I keep our minds curious and stimulated with lively discussion and cultural enrichment.

Family and friends have no compunctions about our marriage, but total strangers feel compelled to judge our relationship as “unequal” or “misogynistic” the second I say, “Oh, I don’t work.” Is there something I can say to ward such judgment off? It’s hurtful they say our relationship is unfair just because my contribution can’t be measured in money or labor.

—Not a Trophy

Dear Not a Trophy,

Don’t waste any energy on what total strangers think, because no matter what choices you make in life, there will always be someone who strenuously objects to it and is happy to tell you so. I grew up in a conservative part of the country in a community where some people believe that if women work, it means they don’t care about being good mothers to their children, and have been told that as someone who has a career and child that I must be prioritizing the former over the latter. And these are people I know. Their opinion simply does not matter. It has no bearing on my decisions, and my decisions are not reflective of how I feel about their choices. That is even doubly true of people I don’t know at all.

I would suggest you take the same approach if anyone suggests your relationship is unfair because you choose not to work. If you chose what you’re doing, there’s nothing about it that is unequal, misogynistic, or toxic. Those descriptors are about coercion and a lack of consent—and you and your partner are making a conscious choice to live in a way that makes you happy.

I would caution, however, against reading too much into what it means when people ask you what you do. Many assume that people choose work that reflects their interests because it’s often true. The question can be a question about status or money. But just as often it’s a way of asking what you’re interested in enough that you’ve chosen to spend a big portion of your life doing it. It’s an indirect way of asking what makes you tick in a way that, coming from a stranger might seem a little less invasive or direct. If they just asked bluntly, “What are your interests?” that might sound a lot more intimate. You should be able to tell from the rest of the conversation which way they mean it, but err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt. If, however, it becomes clear that they are judging you based on your capitalistic value, they’re doing you a favor by giving you a screening mechanism. They’re not people you need to be friends with, or whose opinions you should value.

source at slate

Comments

[jadelennox]

The response is generically good (you have no idea what people really think about you but it's probably not that much, and stop stressing about it). But I would love to know what the husband would say about this marriage.

[minoanmiss]

I had someone I was dating describe this kind of thing as his perfect marriage. Personally I was kind of terrified but some people would have been delighted -- I think he eventually found one.

[jadelennox]

😬😬😬😬😬😬

(I mean, each to their own! And if he genuinely loves being the breadwinner, chef, secretary, and (I think) cleaner to his hot, stimulating conversationalist enby spouse, then yay and I am glad they have found each other! I hope LW has an alternative source of funds or a pre-nup, just in case--but since LW describes themselves as a trophy, I assume they're not naive as to the risks.)

[green_grrl]

And life insurance and money going into a separate retirement fund….

[minoanmiss]

LW, call yourself an amateur scholar and bring up a cool fact. Don't describe your marriage unless you're ready to hear people's judgements on it, because some people take such a description as an invitation and others of us, even if we tried not to, would judge in our hearts and it might show on our faces.

[jadelennox]

this is smart.

[ashbet]

I used to joke that I was a housecat (because “I’m disabled and had to give up my career” is really depressing), but since I no longer have a nesting partner, it gives me a twinge and I don’t say it anymore.

But I can quite honestly say that I’m an artist, and a freelance editor/proofreader, and then redirect the conversation to something more interesting — that way, I’m not stuck explaining (or, worse, DEFENDING) my health to a stranger or acquaintance.

I do wish that the LW wouldn’t get a hard time from some people if they said they were a homemaker, because it IS a valid life choice, but I’m realistic about the fact that other people cannot be persuaded to keep their opinions to themselves.

But, yes — LW, tell these people something about your interests, studies, or hobbies/pursuits, and it’s really not their business whether you’re doing it for money.

Also — I feel like “trophy wife” may be the wrong term here. It has a lot of implications that don’t align with “non-working spouse,” and there generally is not the assumption that a trophy wife is engaged in intellectual pursuits!

[ethelmay]

Yeah, that term bothers me, even as a joke. If you have to think of your marriage as "traditional" and yourself as a "trophy wife," rather than "we came up with a division of life work that suits us," I can't help worrying there's actually something wrong even though it all sounds fine, if you see what I mean.

I was kind of happy to get to the stage when I could just say "Oh, I'm essentially retired."

[jadelennox]

yeah, that's the thing. Countless people don't work, outside the home, even people who aren't stay at-home parents or otherwise busy and pccupied. Not just retired and disabled folks, but, like, people who don't have to. My (personal, irrelevant) discomfort with this couple's division of in-home labor aside, the staying at home isn't inherently weird.

But LW does seem to think of themselves as a trophy wife -- that is, as a young, sexy adornment to a rich man who increases the rich man's consequence by sexily existing. And if that's the case, something is wrong.

Unless they just aren't a great writer, and don't know how to say "my partner was rich enough for me to quit, and so I did" as if that weren't a dream for so many people.

[ethelmay]

I think plenty of good writers would struggle a bit with expressing the kind of thing that there's so much social pressure to not mention. Like being rich.

[jadelennox]

Fair!

Also I need to change my mind about what I said before. I don't know why I think that -- if the LW is actually a trophy wife, not just in flailing-lack-of-vocabulary but in fact -- that means something is wrong, because there's nothing wrong with being a sex worker. And I'm not being snide by saying that, I genuinely am correcting myself.

Whether LW thinks of themselves as a full on trophy wife in the legally-married mistress sense, or whether they are just flailing for language, is left as an exercise for the reader. I assume it's the latter, but I'm not sure the letter favors one reading over another. Either way, it's fine. (Again, assuming the spouse really is comfortable with the division.)

[ioplokon]

LW, if you're happy, it doesn't matter. I'm guessing since their family is happy w/ it, LW is probably not in a situation where they're financially precarious if the husband dies or they get divorced (but if their family's conservative then maybe not), which is the main concern. Idk, I would want to be doing some kind of freelance work just to keep my hand in, if something happened, but fundamentally I'm not suited to that kind of relationship ^^;

Also, is it not rude to ask people about their employment if they don't mention it first? Outside of work/networking events, it always strikes me as really weird. Anyway, I think LW could probably respond to "What do you do" with "Well, lately I've been..." & it would be ok?

[castiron]

I generally ask people "what do you do when you're not [at whatever event/class/group activity]?", which is open-ended enough that the response could be a job, another hobby or sport or activity, being a stay-at-home parent or full-time homemaker, or whatever the person is cool with sharing.

[ashbet]

I really prefer questions like that, as a disabled person who can no longer do full-time work.

“What do you do [for a living]” honestly stings every time.

[minoanmiss]

*takes notes on phrasing* It's been so long since I met someone socially, ahahaha. (Everyone I've met in the last 5 years was at work, in fandom, or because of second order childrearing, or at least that's how it feels).

[resonant]

This LW is trying too hard, and that makes them sound like they're trying to persuade themselves. If anyone ever said to me, "I keep our minds curious and stimulated with lively discussion and cultural enrichment," I would have a really hard time not laughing at them.

On the other hand, in a real interaction it's really none of my business whether the explanation is "I'm disabled and unable to work" or "My husband can afford every luxury, including me" or "I came into this country on a visa that doesn't allow me to have a job" or a thousand reasons why someone wouldn't be able to answer "And what do you do?" by naming a job. So I agree with the columnist and y'all that the practical advice is basically: take the question as a conversation starter rather than a demand that you justify your economic existence.

If the LW doesn't mind being eccentric, they can answer "And what do you do" with "Oh, I don't want to talk about that -- I want to tell you about my new puppy."

[ethelmay]

I am kind of wondering about this bit: "total strangers feel compelled to judge our relationship as “unequal” or “misogynistic” the second I say, “Oh, I don’t work.”"

Really, strangers say that kind of thing in so many words? At a party, to someone they've just met? That seems astonishingly rude, to the point where I think there has to be more going on.

[jadelennox]

I guess I could see people my mother's generation saying that, I suppose, but you're right, it seems like a bizarre thing to say at a party. It does make me more inclined to support the columnist's reading, that LW is reading more judgement into other people than is probably present.