Trophy Wife

[jadelennox]

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I have what one could call a “traditional” marriage: He works, and I tend the home. Since we’re child-free and I already finished college, I suppose you could call me a trophy wife, but firstly, I’m nonbinary, and secondly, that’s the rub. Whenever we meet new couples at social gatherings, the first question is always, “And what do you do?”

On paper, not much: I read a lot, I tend to my hobbies, I attempt to bake, and I spend time with my husband. He handles all the boring life matters like bills for us and I dote on him. Making sure I want for nothing satisfies him, and being cared for so wholly pleases me. It may not be “feminist” to others, but for us it’s blissful. We contribute differently to our life together: He provides all the concrete trappings, and I provide the immaterial. He keeps our bodies nourished and warm with his marvelous cooking and our beautiful home, and I keep our minds curious and stimulated with lively discussion and cultural enrichment.

Family and friends have no compunctions about our marriage, but total strangers feel compelled to judge our relationship as “unequal” or “misogynistic” the second I say, “Oh, I don’t work.” Is there something I can say to ward such judgment off? It’s hurtful they say our relationship is unfair just because my contribution can’t be measured in money or labor.

—Not a Trophy

Dear Not a Trophy,

Don’t waste any energy on what total strangers think, because no matter what choices you make in life, there will always be someone who strenuously objects to it and is happy to tell you so. I grew up in a conservative part of the country in a community where some people believe that if women work, it means they don’t care about being good mothers to their children, and have been told that as someone who has a career and child that I must be prioritizing the former over the latter. And these are people I know. Their opinion simply does not matter. It has no bearing on my decisions, and my decisions are not reflective of how I feel about their choices. That is even doubly true of people I don’t know at all.

I would suggest you take the same approach if anyone suggests your relationship is unfair because you choose not to work. If you chose what you’re doing, there’s nothing about it that is unequal, misogynistic, or toxic. Those descriptors are about coercion and a lack of consent—and you and your partner are making a conscious choice to live in a way that makes you happy.

I would caution, however, against reading too much into what it means when people ask you what you do. Many assume that people choose work that reflects their interests because it’s often true. The question can be a question about status or money. But just as often it’s a way of asking what you’re interested in enough that you’ve chosen to spend a big portion of your life doing it. It’s an indirect way of asking what makes you tick in a way that, coming from a stranger might seem a little less invasive or direct. If they just asked bluntly, “What are your interests?” that might sound a lot more intimate. You should be able to tell from the rest of the conversation which way they mean it, but err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt. If, however, it becomes clear that they are judging you based on your capitalistic value, they’re doing you a favor by giving you a screening mechanism. They’re not people you need to be friends with, or whose opinions you should value.

source at slate

Comments

[ashbet]

I used to joke that I was a housecat (because “I’m disabled and had to give up my career” is really depressing), but since I no longer have a nesting partner, it gives me a twinge and I don’t say it anymore.

But I can quite honestly say that I’m an artist, and a freelance editor/proofreader, and then redirect the conversation to something more interesting — that way, I’m not stuck explaining (or, worse, DEFENDING) my health to a stranger or acquaintance.

I do wish that the LW wouldn’t get a hard time from some people if they said they were a homemaker, because it IS a valid life choice, but I’m realistic about the fact that other people cannot be persuaded to keep their opinions to themselves.

But, yes — LW, tell these people something about your interests, studies, or hobbies/pursuits, and it’s really not their business whether you’re doing it for money.

Also — I feel like “trophy wife” may be the wrong term here. It has a lot of implications that don’t align with “non-working spouse,” and there generally is not the assumption that a trophy wife is engaged in intellectual pursuits!

[ethelmay]

Yeah, that term bothers me, even as a joke. If you have to think of your marriage as "traditional" and yourself as a "trophy wife," rather than "we came up with a division of life work that suits us," I can't help worrying there's actually something wrong even though it all sounds fine, if you see what I mean.

I was kind of happy to get to the stage when I could just say "Oh, I'm essentially retired."

[jadelennox]

yeah, that's the thing. Countless people don't work, outside the home, even people who aren't stay at-home parents or otherwise busy and pccupied. Not just retired and disabled folks, but, like, people who don't have to. My (personal, irrelevant) discomfort with this couple's division of in-home labor aside, the staying at home isn't inherently weird.

But LW does seem to think of themselves as a trophy wife -- that is, as a young, sexy adornment to a rich man who increases the rich man's consequence by sexily existing. And if that's the case, something is wrong.

Unless they just aren't a great writer, and don't know how to say "my partner was rich enough for me to quit, and so I did" as if that weren't a dream for so many people.

[ethelmay]

I think plenty of good writers would struggle a bit with expressing the kind of thing that there's so much social pressure to not mention. Like being rich.

[jadelennox]

Fair!

Also I need to change my mind about what I said before. I don't know why I think that -- if the LW is actually a trophy wife, not just in flailing-lack-of-vocabulary but in fact -- that means something is wrong, because there's nothing wrong with being a sex worker. And I'm not being snide by saying that, I genuinely am correcting myself.

Whether LW thinks of themselves as a full on trophy wife in the legally-married mistress sense, or whether they are just flailing for language, is left as an exercise for the reader. I assume it's the latter, but I'm not sure the letter favors one reading over another. Either way, it's fine. (Again, assuming the spouse really is comfortable with the division.)