Dear Prudence: Moral DIsagreements

[minoanmiss]

How do I respond to a person doing something I morally disagree with that they are very excited about? I’ve found myself in many conversations over the past year where acquaintances, coworkers, distant family, or other not-close friends give me an update that makes me uncomfortable.

Examples include: “I’m visiting Hawaii during a drought,” “I’m trying to adopt a baby and fighting the birth mother for custody,” and “I’m going on a mission trip to Uganda to convert people to Christianity.” These are all things I don’t super agree with, but the person speaking often sees as positive or totally innocent. Do I just say good luck? Do I share my concerns? I feel like a self-righteous buzzkill if I react honestly, and like I’m silently endorsing their actions if I don’t.

—Paralyzed By Politeness

Dear Paralyzed,

This is hard to answer because it’s not about the words you say in conversation. It’s about the relationship you want to have with people who do things that you find morally objectionable. And only you can make the calculation about where certain actions fall on the “I would have made a different choice” to “Wow, you’re actually a force for evil and I don’t want to be close to you” spectrum in your mind. I’m guessing that a friend making a poor choice for the environment in a world where we could all stand to interrogate our actions might not rise to the same level as someone committing to a legal fight that you see as seriously hurting a specific child. But I don’t know! Either way, here is your guide.

If you think what the person is doing is so messed up that it makes you question whether you even really want to be friends with them: “Wow, that actually sounds kind of wrong to me!”

If you disagree with the action but not enough that it changes your opinion of the person or your desire to have a relationship with them: “Wow, how long will the flight be?”

Comments

[melannen]

It's a fundamental element of religious faith for some people, and therefore you could get caught in the same guidelines as anyone else telling their coworker that something about their religion is abhorrent. (Even if some parts of religion are more objectively abhorrent than others.)

But HR's first move would probably be to tell you *both* to stop discussing religion at work.

[lethe1]

It's a fundamental element of religious faith for some people

You mean proselytizing? I don't think that has a place at work, so yes, I hope HR would tell them to stop discussing religion.

[melannen]

Yes, some versions of Christianity believe that you have to proselytize outside your community to be a good Christian. So telling a co-worker that their mission trips are abhorrent hits the same HR principles as telling a Muslim coworker that visiting Mecca is abhorrent. (Are those actually morally equivalent, no, but HR has its own moral universe.)

They also should not proselytize on company time, of course.