Dear Prudence: Moral DIsagreements

[minoanmiss]

How do I respond to a person doing something I morally disagree with that they are very excited about? I’ve found myself in many conversations over the past year where acquaintances, coworkers, distant family, or other not-close friends give me an update that makes me uncomfortable.

Examples include: “I’m visiting Hawaii during a drought,” “I’m trying to adopt a baby and fighting the birth mother for custody,” and “I’m going on a mission trip to Uganda to convert people to Christianity.” These are all things I don’t super agree with, but the person speaking often sees as positive or totally innocent. Do I just say good luck? Do I share my concerns? I feel like a self-righteous buzzkill if I react honestly, and like I’m silently endorsing their actions if I don’t.

—Paralyzed By Politeness

Dear Paralyzed,

This is hard to answer because it’s not about the words you say in conversation. It’s about the relationship you want to have with people who do things that you find morally objectionable. And only you can make the calculation about where certain actions fall on the “I would have made a different choice” to “Wow, you’re actually a force for evil and I don’t want to be close to you” spectrum in your mind. I’m guessing that a friend making a poor choice for the environment in a world where we could all stand to interrogate our actions might not rise to the same level as someone committing to a legal fight that you see as seriously hurting a specific child. But I don’t know! Either way, here is your guide.

If you think what the person is doing is so messed up that it makes you question whether you even really want to be friends with them: “Wow, that actually sounds kind of wrong to me!”

If you disagree with the action but not enough that it changes your opinion of the person or your desire to have a relationship with them: “Wow, how long will the flight be?”

Comments

[lilysea]

For me, it's about how unjustifiable I think the actions are AND also about how bad I think the actions are

Eating red meat every single day (which means massive carbon emissions), without a genuine medical need [like Anemia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Endometriosis, or multiple food intolerances] to do so? Not a good choice, but I wouldn't cut off a friend over it.

Deliberately telling transphobes about the details of a specific "Drag queens read to children" event in the hope that they would turn up and be harrassing/disruptive? If I was certain that signalling the transphobes was deliberate (and not just an accidental by product of publicising the event to parents/kids who wanted to go and have a good time) I'd cut ties immediately

Voting for One Nation (Australia's party for really vile racists) - I'd cut ties immediately

Telling me they planned to keep buying JK Rowling books because the Potter universe was really important to them? I'd feel uncomfortable, but we'd still be friends

Telling me they refused to get themselves/their kids vaccinated against COVID, even tho their doctor said it was fine for them to get vaccinated and there was no medical reason for them not to do so? I would cut ties

Telling me that they had *deliberately* leaked the new address/phone number of someone else to an estranged parent/estranged ex? I would cut ties

"I’m visiting Hawaii during a drought" = okay, that's not ideal, but for all I know the money they will be spending will be the difference between a local person living in Hawaii being able to buy food and pay rent, or not being able to

"I’m trying to adopt a baby and fighting the birth mother for custody" = I'd need to know more to make a judgement. Does the birth mother have a history of drug/alcohol abuse and/or child neglect/child abuse? Then I'm okay with fighting the birth mother for custody. Is the birth mother a good parent apart from being young and/or poor? Then I am very much NOT okay with fighting the birth mother for custody.

"I’m going on a mission trip to Uganda to convert people to Christianity" = nope nope NOPE. Anyone who is this Christian is NOT likely to be a good person for me to be friends with, for reasons including that I have massive trauma around Christianity and also that I'm bisexual. Also, going to Uganda to try to convert people to a new religion feels racist as fuck. If Ugandan people wanted to convert to Christianity, they're perfectly able to decide that for themselves by themselves, without random white arseholes inserting themselves in what is none of their business.

[lethe1]

Agreed with all of this.

[rmc28]

I agree broadly, but also in some of these areas where I'd need to know more to make a fair judgement (dietary needs, birth parent's history), I feel like I don't have any right to know. So e.g. I don't want to put myself in a judge-ing position or mindset over anyone's choice of food or diet, because whether they have medical stuff going on or just really really like roast beef isn't my business.

(We can also get into super-frustrating areas like my autistic children being labelled 'picky' for having very strong preferences about food textures - is that a 'medical' issue because of their sensory processing or 'just a preference'? So much going on about gatekeeping and authority and who gets to decide things.)

[lilysea]

We can also get into super-frustrating areas like my autistic children being labelled 'picky' for having very strong preferences about food textures - is that a 'medical' issue because of their sensory processing or 'just a preference'? So much going on about gatekeeping and authority and who gets to decide things

I would definitely regard sensory processing as a medical issue.

There was a teenager with severe sensory issues in the UK who went Blind due to a highly restricted diet (milkshakes and packets of chips only) due to sensory issues - sensory issues are potentially very serious.

I also wouldn't judge someone if they said "I need to eat red meat every day for health reasons" - I don't need to know *what* the health reasons are, I trust people that whatever they consider to be "health reasons" is highly likely to be valid.

I would only judge someone if someone said "I eat red meat every day, and I could easily swap to chicken/fish to reduce my carbon footprint, but I can't be bothered/why should I have to/why should I do it if no-one else is?"

[castiron]

Plus given that according to Wikipedia 85% of Ugandans are some variety of Christian already, they really don't need random white folks jumping in to convert the other 15%.

[melannen]

Yeah, but that actually comes back around to the "need to know more" part. LW obviously knows very little about religion in Uganda *or* mission trips, but still feels a moral obligation to judge. Most "mission trips" from most US churches these days are more like voluntourism than proselytization. If this was a real conversation, the person was probably going to a community with an established sister church and doing something like construction or landscaping work.

There's still a whole grab bag of moral and ethical issues with that, don't get me wrong, but LW is probably very wrong about what's actually going on.