Dear Prudence: My Fiance Doesn't Understand My Family Situation

[minoanmiss]

Dear Prudence,
My family is very dysfunctional and very poor. I basically had to claw my way into financial stability, and it’s made me very frugal. My boyfriend isn’t. He’s from another country originally and comes from old money, although we both make middle-class salaries. He’s very generous with his friends and family, and while I love that about him, he doesn’t really understand why I don’t treat my family the same way. I don’t speak to my parents. My father took out credit cards in my name when I was a child. My mother tried to convince me to give up my scholarship money to her in college. I have a limited relationship with my siblings and never give them cash or easy-to-pawn gifts after my sister once took the money I gave her to pay for rent and blew it at a casino instead. My boyfriend doesn’t understand why I don’t give my nephews the expensive sneakers or video games they want. He teases me for being a “miserly old aunt” and says I’m being petty and trying to punish my siblings with my success.

That hurts. I want to help my siblings, but I learned a long time ago that they’ll squander my gifts. I pay private tuition for my brother’s two girls and try to encourage my nephews in their schoolwork. My sister pawns anything expensive I get for her boys. I don’t have a safety net outside of what I’ve made for myself. My boyfriend can always fall back on his parents and grandparents. I have tried to relate my personal experience to him, and he just tells me the American dream is a mirage. How do I get through to him? Ninety percent of our relationship is perfect, except for his opinions on my family. It’s exhausting to argue about this.
—No Family Loans

I’m often a bit wary when someone writes in and says, “I’ve explained my particular circumstances to my partner numerous times, but he still doesn’t understand.” In a case like yours, the problem isn’t that you’ve been insufficiently clear. The problem is that your boyfriend has failed to extend much imagination or compassion to your situation. You’re paying private school tuition for two of your relatives, and your boyfriend’s getting on your case for not also buying big-ticket birthday presents that you know from experience will get pawned and used for gambling! If that’s his idea of miserliness, I’m a little scared to imagine what he thinks generosity looks like. If the other 90 percent of your relationship is really that good, then your best bet here is just to accept that you two will likely never see eye to eye on this issue. It’ll be easier if you don’t try to make it your job to get through to him. All he needs to do is stop giving you advice on how you deal with your family. Tell him: “I understand that we have different experiences with family and money that inform both of our perspectives. But I know my own family really well, and I’m the best judge of what financial gifts will actually help my siblings’ kids in the long run and what gifts will go straight down the drain. I don’t ask that you agree with my choices here, but it’s my family, and I need you to respect that it’s my call to make. It’s been a real waste of time and energy fighting about this, and I don’t think either of us is going to change the other’s mind anytime soon. All I’m asking is for you to stop making jokes about my miserliness or suggesting that I’m trying to punish my relatives by setting boundaries with them. Can you do that?”

Comments

[minoanmiss]

At a pretty young age I learned to really appreciate the friends I have who come from healthy families and still believed me about my abusive family. In my experience a plurality if not a majority of people from kind families don't really believe that abusive ones exist and/or that abused people didn't "earn" the abuse somehow.

Also, Fiance is belying his family's supposed tradition of familial kindness by continually mocking the woman he says he wants to marry. Someone should point that out to him since he seems to (willfully) not have noticed.

[kiezh]

Yeah, it's funny how "you've gotta stand by family and support them!" doesn't apply to girlfriends/wives, isn't it? This is a dude who would throw LW under the bus in order to champion her nephews' right to expensive sneakers, which says a lot about the family rankings in his head.

[purlewe]

A friend once said to me that "normal" families never understand dysfunctional ones. Bc it is beyond their understanding. And while I get that I also think that even if it is beyond his understanding, believing his partner is more important than understanding it. He might not ever get how dysfunctional they are, but he can believe her when she says it. And right now, he can't even do that. I say get out. You shouldn't have to prove anything when you already know that it won't be believed.

[cimorene]

I mean... this is a pretty logical and reasonable response, but my cynical side thinks this guy is a dick and she should just dump him.

[kiezh]

Wow, his idea of being loving and generous toward family is... mocking and belittling his fiancee, and choosing to side with her abusive family of origin over her?

Dump him. This is only going to get worse, the more financially entangled you get. If you really want to, you could give him an ultimatum first - either the belittling stops and he chooses to BELIEVE YOU when you tell him things about your family, or you're out. But really I think you should just get out. This is not a dude who is ever going to be on Team You.

[julian]

Agreed with everyone else, but also: paying for two girls' private education is A LOT of money. She IS being generous! So like, her boyfriend is just nitpicking and mocking for the sake of nitpicking. Gr.

[melannen]

Yes! I'm really glad Prudence picked up on that too, but it could use more emphasis. LW you are being *extremely* generous and probably giving them a lot more than he does his family!

[conuly]

For serious. I'm sure she has a reason for not helping out the nephews as much, even if that reason is simply "lack of funds, used 'em all on the girls".

[ashbet]

Yeah, PRIVATE SCHOOL TUITION is beyond generous — I am jawdropping that he described it as “miserly,” wtf??!?

[castiron]

At the very least, LW should not marry this guy.