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agonyaunt2022-10-12 11:45 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-10-12 11:45 am
Entry tags:
Ask a Manager: I Was Hit On At A Conference
Was I too friendly?
My spouse and I are in the same field and usually attend conferences together. Generally we don’t spend that much time together at conferences, touching base a couple of times throughout the day (often mostly via text) and then having dinner and going to the room together, but people know we’re married.
I recently attended a conference without him there. I was speaking at the conference and otherwise would probably not have attended, because while it’s within the same industry, it’s a different sector and I didn’t expect there to be much that I would be interested in, nor did I expect to know very many people there. I was happily wrong on the first part, but right on the second — I only knew about a dozen people there (and consequently, few of the attendees knew my spouse). Which, fine, I’m an extrovert, I’ll get to know new people and it’ll be fine. In an industry full of introverts, being the extrovert at a conference is generally a good thing and I get complimented all the time for my skill in meeting people and then connecting them to other people they should meet. I’ve helped several people find new jobs with a well-placed introduction.
So, I’m walking around at break and I saw a man sitting alone, looking around and looking like he was feeling left out. So I paused to talk to him and ended up chatting a bit. He asked about a part of my work I’m pretty excited about, so I sat down to really talk about it. We talked some more, he complimented an article of clothing, and I said, “Oh, my spouse bought that for me.” Then his friends came and they went for lunch and I moved on to try to find a friend.
A little later, I saw him and now I was the one standing around looking left out, so he invited me to sit with him in the session. So we sit and talk a little about the session, etc. He then says, “Hey, you really chatted me up, wanna go out for drinks and see what happens?” I had mentioned my spouse multiple times at this point so I was really surprised and basically just said, “That’s not what I’m here for, and I’m really focusing on speaking later this week, so I’m just going to be in my room in the evenings” and we left it like that. He later apologized for making it awkward, which I appreciate, but I didn’t know how to respond.
I think he was out of line. My female friends think he was out of line. My male friends (including my spouse) think it was perfectly okay because he took the no with grace and didn’t push back and apologized afterward. But I find myself second-guessing my actions — was I too friendly? Was I too outgoing? Should I stop networking with men? Only network with men if they’re in a group? And how should I have responded to his apology? Should I have educated him about seeing women as colleagues instead of potential sexual partners?
Aggggh, I’m sorry. You not only got hit on in a context where you shouldn’t have, but now you’re stuck in that awful cycle of questioning whether you somehow caused it by being a friendly person.
I can guarantee you that this man is not second-guessing himself and agonizing over whether he misread you or offended you or whether he should stop networking with women. Which is a shame, because frankly he should stop networking with everyone (men and women) until he’s able to stop assessing colleagues as potential sexual partners. But that’s not going to happen.
The thing that especially sucks is that the cycle you’re in right now — the second-guessing and the worry you’re to blame — harms women professionally. You should be able to be warm and friendly and meet new people at conferences without worrying that your perfectly normal demeanor (which could be identical to that of any man there) will invite unwanted advances. You shouldn’t have to curtail the networking you do because of that worry — and giving in to that could limit you professionally. You didn’t do anything wrong, and yet you’re the one questioning whether to take potentially career-harming actions in response.
To be clear: This was all on him, not you. It doesn’t sound like you gave off any signs you were interested in something sexual. You engaged in the completely normal and expected action of networking at a conference; that’s it. You mentioned even your spouse multiple times! This man wasn’t responding to signs from you; to the contrary, he was responding to his own interests, with total disregard for yours.
As a general rule, people shouldn’t hit on colleagues (at work or at professional events) unless they are receiving Very Clear Signs of interest — not just “she is talking to me” (because that is a normal and expected behavior; in fact it is the exact behavior the conference is designed to facilitate) — and if in doubt, should err on the side of not making colleagues feel they’ve been sized up sexually, because that is not what most people are there for, and because women need to be able to exist in professional spaces without worrying that warmth or friendliness will be taken as sexual interest … and, importantly, without needing to worry that rejecting a dude’s overtures could have professional consequences for them. I suspect that your male friends who saw nothing wrong here don’t get this because it’s not something they’ve had to worry about personally.
Moreover, if someone is confident they’ve seen signs of mutual interest and is going to attempt to move the relationship toward the social realm, in a professional context it’s essential to do it respectfully. That means “I’d love to grab dinner if you’re free” or “we have so many interests in common, I’d love to hang out socially after today’s last event if you’d like to” … not “wanna go out for drinks and see what happens” (WTF).
To answer your last question, you’re not responsible for educating this man about appropriate behavior. You can if you want to! If you feel moved to set him straight, you’d be doing the world a favor. But you have zero obligation to take that on if you’d rather not. And as for the right way to respond to his apology, anything you were comfortable with was fine. If you felt like ignoring it, that’s fine. If you wanted to just go with “thanks, I appreciate it,” that’s fine. And if you wanted to say, “Yeah, you were really out of line — women are here to network, not be hit on” or any other variation of that, that would be fine too.
My spouse and I are in the same field and usually attend conferences together. Generally we don’t spend that much time together at conferences, touching base a couple of times throughout the day (often mostly via text) and then having dinner and going to the room together, but people know we’re married.
I recently attended a conference without him there. I was speaking at the conference and otherwise would probably not have attended, because while it’s within the same industry, it’s a different sector and I didn’t expect there to be much that I would be interested in, nor did I expect to know very many people there. I was happily wrong on the first part, but right on the second — I only knew about a dozen people there (and consequently, few of the attendees knew my spouse). Which, fine, I’m an extrovert, I’ll get to know new people and it’ll be fine. In an industry full of introverts, being the extrovert at a conference is generally a good thing and I get complimented all the time for my skill in meeting people and then connecting them to other people they should meet. I’ve helped several people find new jobs with a well-placed introduction.
So, I’m walking around at break and I saw a man sitting alone, looking around and looking like he was feeling left out. So I paused to talk to him and ended up chatting a bit. He asked about a part of my work I’m pretty excited about, so I sat down to really talk about it. We talked some more, he complimented an article of clothing, and I said, “Oh, my spouse bought that for me.” Then his friends came and they went for lunch and I moved on to try to find a friend.
A little later, I saw him and now I was the one standing around looking left out, so he invited me to sit with him in the session. So we sit and talk a little about the session, etc. He then says, “Hey, you really chatted me up, wanna go out for drinks and see what happens?” I had mentioned my spouse multiple times at this point so I was really surprised and basically just said, “That’s not what I’m here for, and I’m really focusing on speaking later this week, so I’m just going to be in my room in the evenings” and we left it like that. He later apologized for making it awkward, which I appreciate, but I didn’t know how to respond.
I think he was out of line. My female friends think he was out of line. My male friends (including my spouse) think it was perfectly okay because he took the no with grace and didn’t push back and apologized afterward. But I find myself second-guessing my actions — was I too friendly? Was I too outgoing? Should I stop networking with men? Only network with men if they’re in a group? And how should I have responded to his apology? Should I have educated him about seeing women as colleagues instead of potential sexual partners?
Aggggh, I’m sorry. You not only got hit on in a context where you shouldn’t have, but now you’re stuck in that awful cycle of questioning whether you somehow caused it by being a friendly person.
I can guarantee you that this man is not second-guessing himself and agonizing over whether he misread you or offended you or whether he should stop networking with women. Which is a shame, because frankly he should stop networking with everyone (men and women) until he’s able to stop assessing colleagues as potential sexual partners. But that’s not going to happen.
The thing that especially sucks is that the cycle you’re in right now — the second-guessing and the worry you’re to blame — harms women professionally. You should be able to be warm and friendly and meet new people at conferences without worrying that your perfectly normal demeanor (which could be identical to that of any man there) will invite unwanted advances. You shouldn’t have to curtail the networking you do because of that worry — and giving in to that could limit you professionally. You didn’t do anything wrong, and yet you’re the one questioning whether to take potentially career-harming actions in response.
To be clear: This was all on him, not you. It doesn’t sound like you gave off any signs you were interested in something sexual. You engaged in the completely normal and expected action of networking at a conference; that’s it. You mentioned even your spouse multiple times! This man wasn’t responding to signs from you; to the contrary, he was responding to his own interests, with total disregard for yours.
As a general rule, people shouldn’t hit on colleagues (at work or at professional events) unless they are receiving Very Clear Signs of interest — not just “she is talking to me” (because that is a normal and expected behavior; in fact it is the exact behavior the conference is designed to facilitate) — and if in doubt, should err on the side of not making colleagues feel they’ve been sized up sexually, because that is not what most people are there for, and because women need to be able to exist in professional spaces without worrying that warmth or friendliness will be taken as sexual interest … and, importantly, without needing to worry that rejecting a dude’s overtures could have professional consequences for them. I suspect that your male friends who saw nothing wrong here don’t get this because it’s not something they’ve had to worry about personally.
Moreover, if someone is confident they’ve seen signs of mutual interest and is going to attempt to move the relationship toward the social realm, in a professional context it’s essential to do it respectfully. That means “I’d love to grab dinner if you’re free” or “we have so many interests in common, I’d love to hang out socially after today’s last event if you’d like to” … not “wanna go out for drinks and see what happens” (WTF).
To answer your last question, you’re not responsible for educating this man about appropriate behavior. You can if you want to! If you feel moved to set him straight, you’d be doing the world a favor. But you have zero obligation to take that on if you’d rather not. And as for the right way to respond to his apology, anything you were comfortable with was fine. If you felt like ignoring it, that’s fine. If you wanted to just go with “thanks, I appreciate it,” that’s fine. And if you wanted to say, “Yeah, you were really out of line — women are here to network, not be hit on” or any other variation of that, that would be fine too.