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agonyaunt2022-09-28 11:40 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-09-28 11:40 am
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Care & Feeding: My Wife is a Total Slob...
... And Her Justification for the Mess Is Absurd
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I (together for 5 years, married 3) are expecting our first child, a daughter, in February. My wife is incredibly beautiful, talented, sexy, intellectual, fiercely loyal, basically perfect except…she’s a HUGE slob. We often joke that she’s a “slut” in the original sense of the word, i.e. a bad and lazy housekeeper. If I don’t want to live with grimy bathrooms, a sink full of dishes, and tumbleweeds of cat hair blowing everywhere, I have to clean, which I don’t mind doing, if that’s the price of being with her. I was single for over a decade before we met and had all but despaired of falling in love or having a family.
The only thing that irritates me is when she justifies herself by claiming she’s fighting back against centuries of unfair domestic expectations of women, or that being a female “art monster” (a creative artist who neglects everything except their work) makes her rare and special. Her parents are a doctor (dad) and lawyer (mom) and she grew up with nannies and cleaning ladies. I grew up with a hard-working single mom and got used to pitching in from an early age. She’s entitled to her own choices, but I hope I’m not being out of line by NOT wanting her teaching our daughter that it’s cool and feminist to be a slob. How can I instill basic housekeeping skills in our kids, without getting into a verbal war about the historic imbalance of household responsibilities?
— The Art Monster’s Male Maid
Dear Male Maid,
I don’t think that rejecting all domestic work is an inherently feminist choice, but I do know that the reality for women is that “having it all” often also means “doing it all.” Even when both partners work, in heterosexual couples, women in the relationship are more likely to have primary responsibility for doing the laundry, cleaning the house, and preparing meals. Your wife may legitimately feel that she has to choose between her own creative work and the domestic work it takes to keep a home running. She also may simply lack the required skills.
Whatever the case, she’s made it clear she’s not interested in learning them, so it’s really up to you to decide how to move forward. An equitable division of labor is ideal for most, but that balance is unique to every couple, depending on careers, children, finances, etc.
As someone who made it to my late 30s before I even learned how to cook a grilled cheese, I do think it’s important for children of both genders to learn the skills they’ll need to take care of themselves and their homes as adults. But can’t you be the person to instill those lessons in your kids? After all, there are lots of families where one partner does the bulk of the domestic tasks, and when that partner is a woman, I rarely hear any outcry about who will teach the children. Or might you hire a housekeeper, if you have the resources? This is obviously a pretty privileged option, but when it’s feasible, paying someone a fair wage can be a lot easier than fighting about it in perpetuity.
And if you haven’t, I also think you need to have a serious conversation about expectations around the division of labor when it comes to childcare and the work of parenting. The workload at home is about to increase exponentially, and if you can’t agree on the best way to manage it, you’ll likely end up resenting each other, which would be worse for your future child than a sink full of dishes.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I (together for 5 years, married 3) are expecting our first child, a daughter, in February. My wife is incredibly beautiful, talented, sexy, intellectual, fiercely loyal, basically perfect except…she’s a HUGE slob. We often joke that she’s a “slut” in the original sense of the word, i.e. a bad and lazy housekeeper. If I don’t want to live with grimy bathrooms, a sink full of dishes, and tumbleweeds of cat hair blowing everywhere, I have to clean, which I don’t mind doing, if that’s the price of being with her. I was single for over a decade before we met and had all but despaired of falling in love or having a family.
The only thing that irritates me is when she justifies herself by claiming she’s fighting back against centuries of unfair domestic expectations of women, or that being a female “art monster” (a creative artist who neglects everything except their work) makes her rare and special. Her parents are a doctor (dad) and lawyer (mom) and she grew up with nannies and cleaning ladies. I grew up with a hard-working single mom and got used to pitching in from an early age. She’s entitled to her own choices, but I hope I’m not being out of line by NOT wanting her teaching our daughter that it’s cool and feminist to be a slob. How can I instill basic housekeeping skills in our kids, without getting into a verbal war about the historic imbalance of household responsibilities?
— The Art Monster’s Male Maid
Dear Male Maid,
I don’t think that rejecting all domestic work is an inherently feminist choice, but I do know that the reality for women is that “having it all” often also means “doing it all.” Even when both partners work, in heterosexual couples, women in the relationship are more likely to have primary responsibility for doing the laundry, cleaning the house, and preparing meals. Your wife may legitimately feel that she has to choose between her own creative work and the domestic work it takes to keep a home running. She also may simply lack the required skills.
Whatever the case, she’s made it clear she’s not interested in learning them, so it’s really up to you to decide how to move forward. An equitable division of labor is ideal for most, but that balance is unique to every couple, depending on careers, children, finances, etc.
As someone who made it to my late 30s before I even learned how to cook a grilled cheese, I do think it’s important for children of both genders to learn the skills they’ll need to take care of themselves and their homes as adults. But can’t you be the person to instill those lessons in your kids? After all, there are lots of families where one partner does the bulk of the domestic tasks, and when that partner is a woman, I rarely hear any outcry about who will teach the children. Or might you hire a housekeeper, if you have the resources? This is obviously a pretty privileged option, but when it’s feasible, paying someone a fair wage can be a lot easier than fighting about it in perpetuity.
And if you haven’t, I also think you need to have a serious conversation about expectations around the division of labor when it comes to childcare and the work of parenting. The workload at home is about to increase exponentially, and if you can’t agree on the best way to manage it, you’ll likely end up resenting each other, which would be worse for your future child than a sink full of dishes.
no subject
LW I wonder if your wife sees you getting happiness out of cleaning the house and therefore thinks they are not chores. Coupled with the fact that someone was paid to do the household chores while she grew up means she hasn't seen them done by someone who wasn't getting paid. She most likely doesn't have an idea of how people fit them into their lives (with work and family commitments) She hasn't seen it modelled and she hasn't been taught how to do even the most basic kinds of chores that some people have been taught from such a young age they don't even remember being taught.
When we went to marriage counseling the person asked us what we argued over. We both said chores. We were scoffed at and told "adults don't fight about chores, stop acting like children" yeah. no. adults totally argue about chores and this idea that when you become an adult you just DO THEM is a fallacy. This inevitably led to my wife putting in our wedding vows that she would do the dishes. (reader, she never did them. she would do them.. once a year? and expect like a round of applause and a cookie. ah well)
Around this time I read a columnist I really liked who said something that made me change my thoughts. Instead of arguing about the dishes.. I would just do them. Bc the time I had spent arguing they could be done already. So I started doing that. I just stopped fighting about the one chore that was the most of our arguments. I did them. At first I was a little angry. But now I just do them and don't think about it. I figure the 10-15 minutes it takes me to do them instead of the hours of stewing and anger is just easier on me and my head and heart.
fast forward to a couple years later. I had been in jury duty and was exhausted. I came home to someone who had been home all day who ordered dinner from me. And I finally said "you are 42 yrs old. you can read directions. You can learn to cook. Starting tomorrow you are going to learn" and with that she started learning about cooking. Not intuitive, not something anyone taught her until I said something. I taught her some basics, she learned to read recipes, she used google, and she asks questions. She also learned how dishes are made. And that dishes aren't just the plate you eat off of but also the pots and pans and knives and cutting boards that help make the meal. Does she cook all the time? no. but now she does see a recipe and says she wants to try something new. She sees when I am going to be late home and says she will make the meal up and not to worry about coming home late and cooking. All of the planning and prep are not my sole job. And now, occasionally, she does the dishes bc she sees how many she made.
I think that LW needs to let go of the anger. And I think probably both of them need to see a therapist that will help them communicate better. I think that modelling housecleaning for your kids and teaching them how to do it is better than making snarking comments in front of them and teaching them how to treat people badly. If you want to raise kids that learn how to do housework you have to teach them. And since you are the only person in the house that thinks you can model that properly then the job is yours. And I am sure your wife does do things around the house that you don't even notice. And I think that it is time you did. (Like there has to be something? paying bills? shopping (clothes, groceries, holiday presents?)) There is a division of labor in your house. but you aren't seeing it. And the things you think aren't chores are probably actually chores.