agonyaunt | Dear Prudence: My Brother Was Enraged to See My Period Products in the Trash.

It’s Already in the Trash: I know I’m not going to look great here, but here goes. I am a cis female living with my parents, brother, and nephew. Growing up, when I, my sister, or my mom had our periods and deposited them in the communal bathroom, my dad would throw a fit and demand that I take them out because he found it disgusting. (He was a doctor too.)

My brother adopted this attitude and my mother and I ended up using a separate trash can and bag to compromise.

Now, I have been using panty liners as well as period pads and as I had to give up my room for my brother and I have to share a bathroom with my mom. However, she got tired of me using the bathroom at night so I was forced to use the communal bathroom and deposit my panty liners there too. I’ve been careful and tried to be mindful of the trash can.

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Today, I woke up to a full trash bag at the foot of my bed. When I asked why it was there my brother angrily told him I needed to take care of my “bloody pads.” When I told him they were not period pads, he still went off and said it was unhygienic and I needed to take responsibility because the trash was overflowing with my pads. It was not. It was overflowing because of his son’s wet diapers. To me, a diaper isn’t much different than a panty liner or an incontinence pad. I pointed this out and that most of my pads were disposed of in the bathroom I share with my mom—he said that was full too and I should put my refuse in my makeshift room (the front room where my bed is) instead of the bathroom.

We had a huge argument over it and my mom told me to back down and just use her bathroom from now on. I’m still furious. I make sure to keep my pad waste separate and I am careful about hygiene. I don’t know why I have to act like I don’t exist or don’t have bodily functions just so my brother and dad don’t have to see a pad in the trash.

A: Do you know what the most upsetting line in your letter is to me? “I’m not going to look great here.” How do YOU not look great here? The fact that you wrote that makes me think the whole absurd conversation about pad disposal is just one of many times your dad and brother have treated you horribly throughout your life, and made you feel less worthy because you’re a woman. It’s destroyed your self esteem and damaged your healthy instincts about what’s right and wrong.

Let me make it plain: Your father is a misogynist and an asshole, he’s raised your brother to be the same, and your mom is signing off on it. “I don’t know why I have to act like I don’t exist or don’t have bodily functions just so my brother and dad don’t have to see a pad in the trash” is the right question to be asking, and I’m getting the feeling there are other ones too like “Why should I always have to be the person to give up my room?”

I want to tell you to talk to your family, but it feels like the threat of your dad throwing a fit looms large, and I don’t know how safe you feel or how much influence you have, realistically. I don’t want you to suffer the consequences if he loses it in response to what I’m guessing would be one of the first times you’ve pushed back against the way he treats you. You don’t say how old you are or if moving is an option but if it is: Get the hell out of there.

If it’s not, I’m afraid this is one of those times I don’t have great advice except to encourage you to remember that you live with some really messed-up people and they, not you, are the ones who “don’t look great here.”

Dear Prudence: My Brother Was Enraged to See My Period Products in the Trash.

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