agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I have known my friend "Aaron" since first grade. Our relationship hasn't been the same since COVID broke out. He hardly ever connects with me unless it's on social media. He refuses to get together with anyone or leave his house.

Things haven't been easy for him because he lives alone. He used to live with his brother, but since his brother's death a few years ago, Aaron hasn't been the same. I'm upset with him because instead of telling me, he told my best friend about his brother's death. When we discussed trying to get together again, he initially said he wanted to wait until the stay-at-home order was lifted. When that finally happened, he announced he didn't want to get together until COVID had died down and it was considered safe.

Abby, I feel hurt and betrayed. I understand Aaron's concerns about COVID and the risks involved, but I don't like being lied to. I feel he deceived me by telling me one thing but really meaning another. I think he should have been upfront and honest with me from the start.

I value our friendship, so I'm not willing to throw it away just yet. Aaron is no longer talking to me, and our relationship is ruined. Am I wrong to feel this way? I'm unsure about what steps to take next. -- HURT GUY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HURT GUY: You didn't mention whether Aaron is socializing again with others. It's possible that since his brother's passing he has realized how fragile and unpredictable life can be, and is taking every precaution. I think it would be healthier for you if you stop obsessing about him and begin forming other friendships. If Aaron is no longer talking to you, the "steps" you should take are in the opposite direction.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2724356

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

LW, wtf, Aaron didn't lie to you. He reassessed the risks and then changed his mind. People are allowed to change their minds, just like they're allowed to choose who to tell about their brother's death.

And while I guess you're allowed to hold a grudge over that latter for, apparently, multiple years, this is not the sort of thing I'd have included, not if I was looking for sympathy.

"Hurt and betrayed?" JFC.

Yeah, my plans/behaviors/socializing have evolved as Covid variants occurred, friends around me got sick, etc.

(I’m immunocompromised and have to be very cautious, my little in-person time with friends is affected by whether or not they’re taking similar precautions, and I’m sure some ppl are mad bc I’m willing to take some risks but not others, and it’s not actually their business that I’m choosing to prioritize seeing my long-distance partner, after going over 2 years without so much as getting to hold hands.)

People get to choose their risk tolerance, and folks who are isolating aren’t doing it AT them.

Aaron may have medical issues that either the LW isn't aware of, or that they didn't mention here. I relaxed my own precautions significantly after getting two doses of the Moderna vaccine. I started being a lot more cautious when I discovered a few months later that I had no measurable antibodies to covid.

More people know about my autoimmune disease, than know that my current MS treatment makes vaccines less effective.

Yes, it's perfectly reasonable to think

"I will be willing to do X thing after being vaccinated"

and then to later change your mind once it becomes clear that Omicron and other strains are infecting vaccinated people...

As knowledge changes, behaviour should change too

I have so many questions.

The brother died a few years ago and Aaron didn't tell LW, but their relationship problems didn't start until covid. Did the brother die of covid? Or were there problems before?

They were first talking about getting together before the stay at home order lifted, which is all about terrible covid precautions. But somehow LW is surprised that Aaron thinks they don't take good precautions?

What did LW do to make Aaron stop talking to them? All of this is LW's problems, and nothing about Aaron's.

Maybe Aaron's just not that into this friendship, and LW needs to get over it.

LW definitely needs to let this go.

When we discussed trying to get together again, he initially said he wanted to wait until the stay-at-home order was lifted. When that finally happened, he announced he didn't want to get together until COVID had died down and it was considered safe.

This leads me to believe that LW didn't take the stay-at-home order and other safety measures very seriously, and that he feels resentment towards Aaron because he (Aaron) does.

He didn't lie. He changed his mind. LW skips the part where he explains what led to Aaron no longer talking to him -- is this just a drifting apart thing, or did he blow up in his face and make these accusations?

Also, telling the best friend about his brother's death could be just simply that the best friend asked, said the right thing that unlocked something Aaron was having difficulty with saying, etc. It's not a slight upon the friendship, necessarily. I end up telling more casual friends stuff I haven't told my closest friends yet because I wear my heart on my sleeve: it's easy to tell when I'm holding something back, and people often ask -- and thus receive the information they asked for. LW isn't clear about the timescale between the death and the telling, at all.

It looks like LW has a looser interpretation of safety during the COVID era than his friend.

Getting very anti masker vibes from LW. Aaron probably has very good reasons to stop speaking to him.