Getting my coworkers to stop calling me by a nickname

[purlewe]

I am transgender, and I semi-recently changed my name to one I love — it’s old-fashioned and stately. For the purposes of anonymity, I’ll say Josiah. Before I legally changed my name, I went by a more gender-neutral nickname (let’s say Jo) among friends.


I have introduced myself as Josiah to every single employee at my organization. My name on my email and Zoom is Josiah. Unfortunately, I knew a few of my coworkers before I started working here, and they knew me as Jo, and somehow the nickname has caught on among all 100+ people who work here. I briefly correct people (“actually, I prefer Josiah in a professional context”) on an individual basis, but nobody seems to remember the correction even five minutes after we have the conversation. It feels weird to have my coworkers call me by the same affectionate nickname that my partner uses, but it would feel weirder to send out a mass email to correct people for calling me by something that is, technically, my name!

 

Is it reasonable that being called by my more gender-neutral nickname instead of my more obviously masculine full name raises my hackles, or am I being over-sensitive to nonexistent transphobia? Should I keep correcting people briefly and individually and assuming they won’t remember? Do I just have to deal with this?

 

Answer:
You shouldn’t have to deal with this; you should be called the name you’ve asked to be called. It sounds like the problem might be the people who knew you as Jo before you started; if other people hear them calling you Jo, they’ll assume it’s a nickname you use. (I realize this doesn’t explain the people you’ve corrected who don’t seem to be able to retain the correction, but it’s got to be playing a role.) Can you talk to the people you knew before you started, explain the situation, and ask them to be more mindful that you do not use Jo anymore?

 

I wouldn’t say “I prefer Josiah in a professional context” since that’s probably inadvertently reinforcing that you do use Jo in other contexts … which is likely muddying things. Stick with a clear, firm “Josiah, not Jo, please” or “It’s Josiah” every time someone messes up and it’s likely that people will get it in time.

 

Comments

[green_grrl]

Yeah, I don’t think it’s necessarily transphobia so much as people immediately jump to nicknames. Every Patricia instantly becomes Patty; every Robert is instantly Bob, Bobby, the Bobster, Bob-a-rino. And I agree with Alison, it will be a losing battle if there are 5 people at work who can call LW Jo—ask them to set an example with Josiah at work, and they can Jo it up outside of work.

[ashbet]

My Dad and brother were both "James" and absolutely LOATHED people who called them "Jim."

It's honestly really presumptuous.

I go by a self-chosen nickname -- Andi -- because I got so tired of people mispronouncing my given name of "Andrea" (I have one of the less-common pronunciations), so of course people misspell it as "Andy," even though my name is in my e-mail .sig line, it's the name I use on FB, etc.

The difference is that it's not a racial, sexual, or gender-based microaggression, and I *really* feel for the OP here.

[green_grrl]

My sister is AnDREa, because she’s Italian, not a valley girl. :D Never Andi, though; Dre for family.

[ashbet]

Hers is closer to mine, it sounds like!

I’m “AHN-dree-uh,” not “AND-ree-uh” or “Ahn-DRAY-ah.” (I suspect that your sister is the last one.)

I was born in France (to US parents), and they didn’t quite give me the French pronunciation (more like “OHN-ray-ah,” with almost no audible “d”), but mine is definitely not one of the top two US pronunciations.

[purlewe]

Yeah, many times I think it is true that your gut says it is something and it really is. And dead naming someone is definitely transphobia and also just plain harassment. But the things that stops me from saying this is transphobia is every person I know with a longer or even say, a older style name finds that people want to shorten them. That isn't to say that folks aren't also being transphobic and harassing them in other ways.. I just feel like any name that can be shortened ends up getting shortened by someone and if you don't like it? you have to speak up for yourself bc lots of other people just don't care as much.

Granted it goes the other way as well. My aunt's name is Judy. Legal name. Judy. She knows it isn't someone who knows her when they ask for Judith. She tells them Judith isn't here and she ignores them. I have had a similar experience. Teachers called me "Tony" and then when they wanted my attention would call me "Antonia" and that wasn't my name or even the cutened version and I wouldn't reply bc I really would not hear it.

Maybe that is another answer for LW. Stop responding to it? like if someone calls out for you and they aren't using the name you want just don't respond? the harder part is Jo was their name for awhile and they already respond to it.

[conuly]

The thing is, we can't eliminate transphobia from consideration. It's in that creepy liminal space where it MIGHT be this or it MIGHT be that, and honestly, that's gotta be at least as stressful as knowing for sure.

[kindkit]

And certain people are very good at deliberately inhabiting that liminal space. A former co-worker of mine tried to avoid using any pronouns for me after I came out as trans, and it was infuriating because it was so obvious but so, so deniable. (Finally she did it one too many times, during a meeting that was tense already, and I told her to cut it out and she said she felt "attacked" by my tone and eventually HR got involved. It turned out okay, and her eventually leaving was nothing to do with me as far as I know, but it was not fun.)